What was originally meant as a 2 week stay at my in laws while the reno at our house was completed has dragged to become a month long stay, the reason being we added a couple more things to our list of to-dos for the new house and that has delayed the completion of the reno.
I am thankful for some aspects of our extended stay here:
- The kids have become so much closer to their grandparents. Previously Thane would turn away and cry whenever hubby's dad attempted to even touch him. Now he would rather Yeye carry him and take him out on a car ride than stay home with me.
- The after dinner playtime with their cousins. I think they will miss this most of all once we've moved out. Every night, dinner is hurriedly shovelled down in anticipation of dancing, singing, painting, playing make believe...u name it, they do it...up in the computer room on the 3rd floor. Thane doesnt do much of the above but he is content to watch his sister and older cousins at play and will always laugh or clap enthusiastically at their antics.
- The 24 hr free babysitting service that lets hubby and i have some precious couple time together, be it going to the nearby coffeeshop for supper or busying ourselves cleaning up at the new place, we are always reassured that the kids will be well taken care of at home.
- The super duper efficiency of the 2 maids in the house. Because they help each other out, our laundry is done within 24hrs, the toilet is always glistening, our room is always spick and span, the kids are always well fed and well entertained.
But i will definitely not miss:
- My mum in law's outrageous superstitious beliefs. I am particularly miffed by the fact that she thinks all women's clothes are "dirty" and have to be washed separately from the rest of the family's.
- The suffocating heat of the house. My mum in law keeps ALL the windows perpetually closed for fear of dust entering the house. Granted, the house is spotless, but the sticky, cloying HEAT is just unbearable.
- Terelle's obvious disregard of my authority cos she knows she has the constant backing of her grandparents, who will indulge in her every whim and fancy. Just this evening, after dinner (she had a HUGE bowl of rice), she saw her cousins stuffing their faces with cashew nuts and junk food and promptly declared that she was hungry. A soon as Yeye heard her pitiful mantra, he immediately gave her a bowlful of nuts, and Terelle simply ignored my fervent protests. Hungry?? Like real!! What a total con job that only grandparents will fall for!
- Hubby and I are constantly at each other's throats; i cannot pinpoint exactly why...perhaps its because of the lack of personal space here, perhaps its because of the heat, perhaps its because im constantly frustrated over the kids and am subconsciously taking it out on him.
So there you have it, as im writing this, we are still waiting for our new place to be completed. And for all the good there is from our stay here, I know that when we really move, I for one would be most happy and relieved.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Friday, November 28, 2008
Almost a year now...
At 11 mths and 3 weeks, Thane can
- say "go" if he wants to be carried somewhere. He can even indicate the direction by flinging out his little fist.
- say "dog" whenever he sees a dog, his current favourite animal. That's why Mummy is going to have a doggy theme for you for your birthday!
- say "eye" when we point to our eyes.
- kiss on command. Very cute, especially when he is kissing little stuffed toys!
- clap and dance on command. Current favourite song - I like to move it! from Madagasca. This skill was honed by Terelle, cos she is hooked on the cartoon. She can watch it twice a day and not get sick of it!
- put a handphone to his ear whenever we say "hello?"
- make a monkey face on command. It involves scrunching up his nose and squinting his eyes.
- question authority. For example, he would be on the verge of reaching for a forbidden object like a fork. Upon hearing a stern "no!" from either of us, he would continue to surreptitiously reach for the fork by s..l..o..w..ly reaching out his little hand towards it, all the while cheekily looking at us from the corner of his eye.
- say "dee" when i point to hubby in our wedding picture. Though im not sure if this was a fluke, cos he hasnt been able to repeat this feat.
- walk unsupported for 4 steps before deciding that crawling will get him to his destination faster.
Its going to be your birthday party tomorrow baby! Mummy is getting excited! ;)
- say "go" if he wants to be carried somewhere. He can even indicate the direction by flinging out his little fist.
- say "dog" whenever he sees a dog, his current favourite animal. That's why Mummy is going to have a doggy theme for you for your birthday!
- say "eye" when we point to our eyes.
- kiss on command. Very cute, especially when he is kissing little stuffed toys!
- clap and dance on command. Current favourite song - I like to move it! from Madagasca. This skill was honed by Terelle, cos she is hooked on the cartoon. She can watch it twice a day and not get sick of it!
- put a handphone to his ear whenever we say "hello?"
- make a monkey face on command. It involves scrunching up his nose and squinting his eyes.
- question authority. For example, he would be on the verge of reaching for a forbidden object like a fork. Upon hearing a stern "no!" from either of us, he would continue to surreptitiously reach for the fork by s..l..o..w..ly reaching out his little hand towards it, all the while cheekily looking at us from the corner of his eye.
- say "dee" when i point to hubby in our wedding picture. Though im not sure if this was a fluke, cos he hasnt been able to repeat this feat.
- walk unsupported for 4 steps before deciding that crawling will get him to his destination faster.
Its going to be your birthday party tomorrow baby! Mummy is getting excited! ;)
Sunday, November 16, 2008
An ode to my friend
To my dearest neighbor (ex-neighbor as of today) and friend,
I will always remember...
- the Games Nites we used to have b.c (before children), where we played board games/cards and snacked/chatted till late into the nite
- the yummy steamboat dinners together, leisurely ones b.c, not quite so leisurely after children but equally enjoyable
- the look on your face the 1st time you told me you were pregnant with Kirsten. I still remember it was in my living room and 1 mth old Terelle was fast asleep on the floor
- the holiday we had together to Langkawi. (Despite the not so ideal accomodation, we still managed to have fun! Remember the yummy Dai Look Mee dinner and seafood lunch n cheering on the guys during their go kart race?)
- our traditional xmas gift exchanges and little xmas dinner parties together
- how you managed to capture the bird that flew into my room with the wastepaper basket. You with your blooming tummy, with Kirsten inside and me with a 3 mth old Terelle fast asleep on my bed. Remember we were wondering how on earth we could let it free without it flying back into the house? Finally we threw it out into the corridor and quickly slammed my front door...haha...makes me laugh to think about it again...
- our New Year countdowns and "party" in the corridor, where we drank sparkling grape juice and ate "kwa chee"
- our endless chats about everything under the sun, especially the kids and our forever errant hubbies :)
- your support when Ryan was away and Terelle was very ill and had to go to the hospital. Will also always be grateful to Ray for sending us there even though it was late at night.
- having to borrow your thermometer whenever my kids were having a fever cos my lousy, screwed up thermometer always gave me wonky readings
- our dinners together whenever any of our hubbys were away on biz trips
- our shopping/makan sessions when the girls were in school and later, our shopping/makan sessions with the boys in tow
- the joy our girls had whenever they played together, be it in either of our houses, in the corridor, at the playground or in the pool or anywhere else we took them. As long as they were together, they enjoyed each other's company
- how we satisfied our spicy food cravings together by eating mee sian and nasi briyani when we were having the boys
- our bak kut teh pig out session, pity we didnt have more...
- your lovely homemade bread and the mouth watering smell that always came from your flat when you were baking it
- your generiosity, warmth and kindness and that you guys were the best neighbors we could ever ask for.
So its goodbye for now, my dear friend. 5 years have gone by in a flash, its the end of an era for us. As i write this, my heart is heavy and im feeling sniffy as i watch the movers at your place and the corridor being filled with your stuff. It just makes everything so final.
I wish you all the best as you move on to your new home, forge new friendships and make new memories. I will always hold what we shared close to my heart. I will definitely miss your reassuring presence just next door and the knowledge that i can always count on you.
Just promise me to meet up often ok? I still hope our kids can grow up together and become fast friends just like us.
Bye for now and God bless all of you where ever you may go.
I will always remember...
- the Games Nites we used to have b.c (before children), where we played board games/cards and snacked/chatted till late into the nite
- the yummy steamboat dinners together, leisurely ones b.c, not quite so leisurely after children but equally enjoyable
- the look on your face the 1st time you told me you were pregnant with Kirsten. I still remember it was in my living room and 1 mth old Terelle was fast asleep on the floor
- the holiday we had together to Langkawi. (Despite the not so ideal accomodation, we still managed to have fun! Remember the yummy Dai Look Mee dinner and seafood lunch n cheering on the guys during their go kart race?)
- our traditional xmas gift exchanges and little xmas dinner parties together
- how you managed to capture the bird that flew into my room with the wastepaper basket. You with your blooming tummy, with Kirsten inside and me with a 3 mth old Terelle fast asleep on my bed. Remember we were wondering how on earth we could let it free without it flying back into the house? Finally we threw it out into the corridor and quickly slammed my front door...haha...makes me laugh to think about it again...
- our New Year countdowns and "party" in the corridor, where we drank sparkling grape juice and ate "kwa chee"
- our endless chats about everything under the sun, especially the kids and our forever errant hubbies :)
- your support when Ryan was away and Terelle was very ill and had to go to the hospital. Will also always be grateful to Ray for sending us there even though it was late at night.
- having to borrow your thermometer whenever my kids were having a fever cos my lousy, screwed up thermometer always gave me wonky readings
- our dinners together whenever any of our hubbys were away on biz trips
- our shopping/makan sessions when the girls were in school and later, our shopping/makan sessions with the boys in tow
- the joy our girls had whenever they played together, be it in either of our houses, in the corridor, at the playground or in the pool or anywhere else we took them. As long as they were together, they enjoyed each other's company
- how we satisfied our spicy food cravings together by eating mee sian and nasi briyani when we were having the boys
- our bak kut teh pig out session, pity we didnt have more...
- your lovely homemade bread and the mouth watering smell that always came from your flat when you were baking it
- your generiosity, warmth and kindness and that you guys were the best neighbors we could ever ask for.
So its goodbye for now, my dear friend. 5 years have gone by in a flash, its the end of an era for us. As i write this, my heart is heavy and im feeling sniffy as i watch the movers at your place and the corridor being filled with your stuff. It just makes everything so final.
I wish you all the best as you move on to your new home, forge new friendships and make new memories. I will always hold what we shared close to my heart. I will definitely miss your reassuring presence just next door and the knowledge that i can always count on you.
Just promise me to meet up often ok? I still hope our kids can grow up together and become fast friends just like us.
Bye for now and God bless all of you where ever you may go.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Public holiday
Its a public holiday and im having tuition in the morning. Mornings usually involve me trying to get Terelle ready for school. Today im of course, in no hurry to get anything done.
Im blithely teaching my student at the dining table. Terelle senses something is different about today. She saunters over and asks, "Why am i not going to school today, Mummy?"
"Cos its a public holiday."
"What's a public holiday?"
"Its a day when everyone does not work."
"But daddy is working." (Hubby's big boss is in town so he has to be at an important meeting)
"Daddy is special, he has to go to the office. Ok be good, go watch your cartoon, after Mummy has finished tuition, ill bring you out okie?"
"Yay! We're going out! I love you Mummy!"
She quietly settles down to watch tv for the next 45min. After my lesson, i decide that since its a cloudy and cool day, we could head down to the Botanic Gardens to have a picnic and feed the fishes. So I start packing some picnic things to take along.
"Are we going now Mummy? Are we??"
"Yes, after you finish your lunch."
"Oh man!" (Accompanied by a dramatic hanging of her head and exasperated shaking of her hands - This girl deserves an Oscar for her theatrics)
I call my parents and tell them of my plans for the day, to which they reply that its too hot to go to the gardens now and that i should make the kids take their nap 1st and then head down in the evening.
I agree (against my better judgement) and feed my by now extremely bored girl her lunch.
After lunch she dejectedly lies on the playmat in the living room and declares in a forlorn voice, "Its so boring at home, i want to go out Mummy, im so bored"
"ok ok we'll go out after your nap ok? Gong Gong and Por Por says its too hot to go out now. All the fishes are hiding deep in the pond, they will not come to the surface cos the sun will fry them"
"oh fry them? Then they will die? ok then ill sleep now, we go later when the sun is not so hot right?"
"yes i promise we will go later"
And so she happily skips off to bed. An hour and a half later, she jumps out of bed with a broad grin and chirps,"Are we going out now? Are we are we??"
By then it has started to rain cats and dogs and i was silently cursing myself for not following my instinct just now and just gone when the weather was fine.
"We have to wait for the rain to stop. Anyway Baby Bone is still sleeping. We will go when he wakes up ok?"
"oh its raining so the fishes will get wet then they wont come to the surface?"
"Hahahha the fishes are already wet cos they are living in the water. We will get wet if we go out in the rain. Then we will get sick."
"oh ok we go later"
Seemingly appeased for the time being, she skips off to play with her toys for a whole of 5 min before announcing again,"Im bored mummy! BORED! I dont want to stay at home. I know! Lets go to the children's playground!! The one that is nearby?"
"Aunty Yiling says its closed for renovation."
"Oh man!" (Dramatic hanging of head and wringing of hands again)
Her head suddenly jerks up and she implores longingly
"What about the other indoor children's playgrounds? You can drive there!"
"Its a public holiday baby, they will be very crowded"
"Oh man!" (This time she throws herself onto the mat and lies there with a woebegone look on her face)
"We will still go to the botanic gardens to feed the fish, just wait for the rain to stop ok?"
She doesnt answer me. I think she is angry with me. Haha...
After half an hour, the rain slows to a drizzle so i decide to take a risk and venture out. Terelle can hardly contain her excitement as i bundle both the kids into the car.
"Are we going to feed the fish now Mummy? Are we?"
"yes, yes. Pray hard its not raining at the botanic gardens ok?"
"Ok....god please dont rain at the botanic gardens please please" After which she settles back in her seat and happily starts singing her songs.
It was raining throughout our entire journey to the gardens and i was half expecting to have to deal with her disappointment at not being able to feed the fish after all. Miraculously, right after i parked the car, the rain stopped and we all headed straight for the Symphony lake.
As she was standing there gleefully throwing bread into the pond (bread sponsored by Gong Gong and Por Por who trooped all the way to Katong to buy scraps from a bakery), she turned to me and gave me a disdainful look.
"At last im finally having fun Mummy!"
"...?? ...??!!"
Since when did it become my fault??? Hahahah...
Im blithely teaching my student at the dining table. Terelle senses something is different about today. She saunters over and asks, "Why am i not going to school today, Mummy?"
"Cos its a public holiday."
"What's a public holiday?"
"Its a day when everyone does not work."
"But daddy is working." (Hubby's big boss is in town so he has to be at an important meeting)
"Daddy is special, he has to go to the office. Ok be good, go watch your cartoon, after Mummy has finished tuition, ill bring you out okie?"
"Yay! We're going out! I love you Mummy!"
She quietly settles down to watch tv for the next 45min. After my lesson, i decide that since its a cloudy and cool day, we could head down to the Botanic Gardens to have a picnic and feed the fishes. So I start packing some picnic things to take along.
"Are we going now Mummy? Are we??"
"Yes, after you finish your lunch."
"Oh man!" (Accompanied by a dramatic hanging of her head and exasperated shaking of her hands - This girl deserves an Oscar for her theatrics)
I call my parents and tell them of my plans for the day, to which they reply that its too hot to go to the gardens now and that i should make the kids take their nap 1st and then head down in the evening.
I agree (against my better judgement) and feed my by now extremely bored girl her lunch.
After lunch she dejectedly lies on the playmat in the living room and declares in a forlorn voice, "Its so boring at home, i want to go out Mummy, im so bored"
"ok ok we'll go out after your nap ok? Gong Gong and Por Por says its too hot to go out now. All the fishes are hiding deep in the pond, they will not come to the surface cos the sun will fry them"
"oh fry them? Then they will die? ok then ill sleep now, we go later when the sun is not so hot right?"
"yes i promise we will go later"
And so she happily skips off to bed. An hour and a half later, she jumps out of bed with a broad grin and chirps,"Are we going out now? Are we are we??"
By then it has started to rain cats and dogs and i was silently cursing myself for not following my instinct just now and just gone when the weather was fine.
"We have to wait for the rain to stop. Anyway Baby Bone is still sleeping. We will go when he wakes up ok?"
"oh its raining so the fishes will get wet then they wont come to the surface?"
"Hahahha the fishes are already wet cos they are living in the water. We will get wet if we go out in the rain. Then we will get sick."
"oh ok we go later"
Seemingly appeased for the time being, she skips off to play with her toys for a whole of 5 min before announcing again,"Im bored mummy! BORED! I dont want to stay at home. I know! Lets go to the children's playground!! The one that is nearby?"
"Aunty Yiling says its closed for renovation."
"Oh man!" (Dramatic hanging of head and wringing of hands again)
Her head suddenly jerks up and she implores longingly
"What about the other indoor children's playgrounds? You can drive there!"
"Its a public holiday baby, they will be very crowded"
"Oh man!" (This time she throws herself onto the mat and lies there with a woebegone look on her face)
"We will still go to the botanic gardens to feed the fish, just wait for the rain to stop ok?"
She doesnt answer me. I think she is angry with me. Haha...
After half an hour, the rain slows to a drizzle so i decide to take a risk and venture out. Terelle can hardly contain her excitement as i bundle both the kids into the car.
"Are we going to feed the fish now Mummy? Are we?"
"yes, yes. Pray hard its not raining at the botanic gardens ok?"
"Ok....god please dont rain at the botanic gardens please please" After which she settles back in her seat and happily starts singing her songs.
It was raining throughout our entire journey to the gardens and i was half expecting to have to deal with her disappointment at not being able to feed the fish after all. Miraculously, right after i parked the car, the rain stopped and we all headed straight for the Symphony lake.
As she was standing there gleefully throwing bread into the pond (bread sponsored by Gong Gong and Por Por who trooped all the way to Katong to buy scraps from a bakery), she turned to me and gave me a disdainful look.
"At last im finally having fun Mummy!"
"...?? ...??!!"
Since when did it become my fault??? Hahahah...
Thursday, October 23, 2008
My second child
Then
Terelle used to follow me EVERYWHERE, and i really mean everywhere. Even when i had to go to students' houses for tuition, i would cart her along, and she would play with my students' siblings or watch her dvds right beside me
Now
I hardly bring Thane out cos with 2 kids of different ages, its kinda difficult to plan activities that they can both participate in. And it doesnt help that he doesnt cooperate when i try to bring him out.
1) If i take him along to tuition, i wont be able to teach for 5min before he starts howling for attention and demanding to be picked up. If not he will be crawling around/pulling on everything in sight/putting everything into his mouth. No way would he be able to sit quietly beside me for 1.5hours.
2) He hates being confined in the car seat, choosing to cry and squirm all the way to our destination. Outside, he refuses to sit/sleep in the stroller, and usually ends up irritable and cranky.
It is a vicious cycle, because of this, he seldom gets to go out. And perhaps because he seldom gets to go out, he is not used to being taken out and gets upset by the sights and sounds, and tends to get frightened by the many different kinds of people he sees. He will stare intently and scrutinize any new face, only to break into a howl when they start to smile/wave/play/do a hi5 with him.
Sigh...i am trying to bring him out more often now. Dont want him to end up being a frog in a well cos he's always left behind at home.
Then
Hubby and I would bring Terelle out with us all the time, and show her off to anyone and everyone.
Now
We try to sneak out as often as we can sans kids and we really relish our precious couple time together. Without the kids we dont have to take turns to have dinner/feed them/change diapers/appease their tantrums/carry them till our backs ache/worry about them touching dirty surfaces and contracting hfmd...the list goes on...
What about showing off the kids? Errr...just go to our blog and see their pics.
Then
Terelle used to sleep with us every single night.
Now
Thane sleeps in his cot every single night.
Then
I experimented with all kinds of foods with Terelle, unwittingly ignorant that they might have weakened her body. (according to the sinseh - he who believes that children should not be given any fruits from A-Z, no biscuits, no seafood, no cold stuff, no fruit juices until they have built up their constitution)
Now
Poor Thane only eats porridge/mee sua/organic pasta cooked in meat broth with vegetables and plain bread as his snack. He has yet to eat a single piece of fruit nor try a bite of a biscuit. His food repertoire is so pathetic that i feel so sorry for him.
On the flipside, he does seem stronger than his sister. He seldom falls sick, even when she coughs and sneezes right in his face when she is ill. Even when he is sick, his symptoms are mild and usually abate within a couple of days. We shall see...
Then
We had no helper and Terelle only had me 24/7. I was also fiercely protective of her and abhorred the thought of a helper, lest she vie for the affections of my precious baby.
Now
I leave Thane in the capable (so far) hands of my helper while i go out to teach/exercise/shop/eat/attend workshops/catch up with friends/have a life. I do not feel a smidgen of guilt...ok maybe just a teeny weeny bit sometimes when Thane tries to reach out for me as the lift door closes in his face.
Then
I remember when Terelle fell off the bed for the first time. We panicked and hubby carried her and literally ran all the way to the paediatrician to get her checked out.
Now
When Thane fell off the bed for the first time, i was quite unperturbed cos he only cried for like 30s, had no baluku and was pretty much his normal self after that. No need to go haring off to the pd...saved me $40 too.
Then
Splurged on pretty new clothes for Terelle ever so often.
Now
Im happy with my friends' hand me downs for Thane.
Then
Flashcards! Music during naptime and bedtime! Books! Gym!
Now
Err...i do some of the above whenever im not too tired or when i feel like it.
My poor second child...please dont grow up thinking that you've been sidelined. I still love you to bits.
Terelle used to follow me EVERYWHERE, and i really mean everywhere. Even when i had to go to students' houses for tuition, i would cart her along, and she would play with my students' siblings or watch her dvds right beside me
Now
I hardly bring Thane out cos with 2 kids of different ages, its kinda difficult to plan activities that they can both participate in. And it doesnt help that he doesnt cooperate when i try to bring him out.
1) If i take him along to tuition, i wont be able to teach for 5min before he starts howling for attention and demanding to be picked up. If not he will be crawling around/pulling on everything in sight/putting everything into his mouth. No way would he be able to sit quietly beside me for 1.5hours.
2) He hates being confined in the car seat, choosing to cry and squirm all the way to our destination. Outside, he refuses to sit/sleep in the stroller, and usually ends up irritable and cranky.
It is a vicious cycle, because of this, he seldom gets to go out. And perhaps because he seldom gets to go out, he is not used to being taken out and gets upset by the sights and sounds, and tends to get frightened by the many different kinds of people he sees. He will stare intently and scrutinize any new face, only to break into a howl when they start to smile/wave/play/do a hi5 with him.
Sigh...i am trying to bring him out more often now. Dont want him to end up being a frog in a well cos he's always left behind at home.
Then
Hubby and I would bring Terelle out with us all the time, and show her off to anyone and everyone.
Now
We try to sneak out as often as we can sans kids and we really relish our precious couple time together. Without the kids we dont have to take turns to have dinner/feed them/change diapers/appease their tantrums/carry them till our backs ache/worry about them touching dirty surfaces and contracting hfmd...the list goes on...
What about showing off the kids? Errr...just go to our blog and see their pics.
Then
Terelle used to sleep with us every single night.
Now
Thane sleeps in his cot every single night.
Then
I experimented with all kinds of foods with Terelle, unwittingly ignorant that they might have weakened her body. (according to the sinseh - he who believes that children should not be given any fruits from A-Z, no biscuits, no seafood, no cold stuff, no fruit juices until they have built up their constitution)
Now
Poor Thane only eats porridge/mee sua/organic pasta cooked in meat broth with vegetables and plain bread as his snack. He has yet to eat a single piece of fruit nor try a bite of a biscuit. His food repertoire is so pathetic that i feel so sorry for him.
On the flipside, he does seem stronger than his sister. He seldom falls sick, even when she coughs and sneezes right in his face when she is ill. Even when he is sick, his symptoms are mild and usually abate within a couple of days. We shall see...
Then
We had no helper and Terelle only had me 24/7. I was also fiercely protective of her and abhorred the thought of a helper, lest she vie for the affections of my precious baby.
Now
I leave Thane in the capable (so far) hands of my helper while i go out to teach/exercise/shop/eat/attend workshops/catch up with friends/have a life. I do not feel a smidgen of guilt...ok maybe just a teeny weeny bit sometimes when Thane tries to reach out for me as the lift door closes in his face.
Then
I remember when Terelle fell off the bed for the first time. We panicked and hubby carried her and literally ran all the way to the paediatrician to get her checked out.
Now
When Thane fell off the bed for the first time, i was quite unperturbed cos he only cried for like 30s, had no baluku and was pretty much his normal self after that. No need to go haring off to the pd...saved me $40 too.
Then
Splurged on pretty new clothes for Terelle ever so often.
Now
Im happy with my friends' hand me downs for Thane.
Then
Flashcards! Music during naptime and bedtime! Books! Gym!
Now
Err...i do some of the above whenever im not too tired or when i feel like it.
My poor second child...please dont grow up thinking that you've been sidelined. I still love you to bits.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Best Baby in the Whole World!!!
Thane is a very serious baby, i mean it.
Coaxing a smile out of him is like coaxing blood out of a rock. And that leaves most of our friends feeling extremely stupid cos no matter what silly antics they try, he will simply stare at them with an impassive face and a furrowed brow, as if to say "Hey just quit it, dont you know you look really silly and its not funny?"
Yet only Terelle can make him squeal and double over with laughter. We can say the exact same things, do the exact same actions as her, only to be met with that deprecating, pokerfaced stare.
Tonight, she was monkey-ing around as usual and singing "Ke Ren Lai" at the top of her lungs, peeking out at Thane from behind the dining chair from time to time. He seemed to find that hilarious and started laughing hysterically. That fuelled more clowning around from my dear girl and he was laughing so hard that he was spewing bread all over the place. (He was eating bread at that time)
This "Ke Ren Lai" episode went on for a good 15min, after which both kids were totally tired out so we started our bedtime routines. (hahah what a good way to get them to go to sleep!!)
As hubby was putting on a pair of long pants for Terelle and i was nursing Thane, she suddenly exclaimed "Baby is the best baby in the whole wide world!!"
Our hearts melted. I guess the best thing that we did for her was to give her a sibling.
But once he gets a little older, that's when the real mayhem will start.
Coaxing a smile out of him is like coaxing blood out of a rock. And that leaves most of our friends feeling extremely stupid cos no matter what silly antics they try, he will simply stare at them with an impassive face and a furrowed brow, as if to say "Hey just quit it, dont you know you look really silly and its not funny?"
Yet only Terelle can make him squeal and double over with laughter. We can say the exact same things, do the exact same actions as her, only to be met with that deprecating, pokerfaced stare.
Tonight, she was monkey-ing around as usual and singing "Ke Ren Lai" at the top of her lungs, peeking out at Thane from behind the dining chair from time to time. He seemed to find that hilarious and started laughing hysterically. That fuelled more clowning around from my dear girl and he was laughing so hard that he was spewing bread all over the place. (He was eating bread at that time)
This "Ke Ren Lai" episode went on for a good 15min, after which both kids were totally tired out so we started our bedtime routines. (hahah what a good way to get them to go to sleep!!)
As hubby was putting on a pair of long pants for Terelle and i was nursing Thane, she suddenly exclaimed "Baby is the best baby in the whole wide world!!"
Our hearts melted. I guess the best thing that we did for her was to give her a sibling.
But once he gets a little older, that's when the real mayhem will start.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Strike Day 6
Thane slept through the nite before, somehow or rather i kinda expected him to. Guess once i changed my mindset, everything seemed easier to bear.
Helper took over to keep an eye on him so i could get some extra shut eye in the morning. However i couldnt really sleep cos i could hear him squealing non stop outside. Finally got out of bed and found, to my surprise, that my happy little baby was back. Perhaps our misery rubbed off on each other the past few days and once i started to lighten up, his mood changed for the better too. When i saw that he was no longer moping around, my spirits were further lifted, and i felt that maybe the worst was really over.
In the afternoon, after Terelle went off to school, i shut ourselves inside my room again, turned on the worship cd and spent the next 3 hours skin to skin. Thane fell fast asleep on my chest and although i was wide awake, i didnt dare move until it was time to fetch Terelle. He continued to sleep for another half an hour after that, that made it a total of 3.5 hrs! He had never before napped for such a long time.
The afternoon and evening passed by quickly enough, with us feeding him milk by spoon as per normal.
After dinner, as i settled down to watch some tv (Dont forget the Lyrics, my current favourite reality show), i thought no harm trying to latch him. I expected him to push me away again as usual, but to my utmost surprise and delight, he began to nurse as if he never stopped.
I didnt dare to move an inch lest he unlatched himself. I think I didnt even dare to breathe deeply. I watched in amusement as he went through his usual routine of scratching his head with his free hand and slowly drifted off to sleep. And i just sat there holding his hand and stroking his head for the next 1.5 hrs, with him asleep at my breast, only finally getting up and putting him down when my bladder was about to burst.
I don't know if he will go on strike again. But I am thankful that we had this particular nursing experience so I could savor every second of it. At least if that was the last nursing session, it will stay in my heart and soul forever.
Thanks to all my friends (you know who you are), and even other mums who just chanced on my blog, for being so supportive and comforting to me during this confusing, emotional time. What you did for me just confirms that mother-to-mother support is so very important to a nursing mother. I will always remember this episode for the rest of my life.
And to any other mums who is as unfortunate as me to have to go through this, take heart. The strike will pass..all u need is alot of patience and determination. And if you feel like its the end of the world, just get in touch with me, ill lend you my shoulder to cry on.
Helper took over to keep an eye on him so i could get some extra shut eye in the morning. However i couldnt really sleep cos i could hear him squealing non stop outside. Finally got out of bed and found, to my surprise, that my happy little baby was back. Perhaps our misery rubbed off on each other the past few days and once i started to lighten up, his mood changed for the better too. When i saw that he was no longer moping around, my spirits were further lifted, and i felt that maybe the worst was really over.
In the afternoon, after Terelle went off to school, i shut ourselves inside my room again, turned on the worship cd and spent the next 3 hours skin to skin. Thane fell fast asleep on my chest and although i was wide awake, i didnt dare move until it was time to fetch Terelle. He continued to sleep for another half an hour after that, that made it a total of 3.5 hrs! He had never before napped for such a long time.
The afternoon and evening passed by quickly enough, with us feeding him milk by spoon as per normal.
After dinner, as i settled down to watch some tv (Dont forget the Lyrics, my current favourite reality show), i thought no harm trying to latch him. I expected him to push me away again as usual, but to my utmost surprise and delight, he began to nurse as if he never stopped.
I didnt dare to move an inch lest he unlatched himself. I think I didnt even dare to breathe deeply. I watched in amusement as he went through his usual routine of scratching his head with his free hand and slowly drifted off to sleep. And i just sat there holding his hand and stroking his head for the next 1.5 hrs, with him asleep at my breast, only finally getting up and putting him down when my bladder was about to burst.
I don't know if he will go on strike again. But I am thankful that we had this particular nursing experience so I could savor every second of it. At least if that was the last nursing session, it will stay in my heart and soul forever.
Thanks to all my friends (you know who you are), and even other mums who just chanced on my blog, for being so supportive and comforting to me during this confusing, emotional time. What you did for me just confirms that mother-to-mother support is so very important to a nursing mother. I will always remember this episode for the rest of my life.
And to any other mums who is as unfortunate as me to have to go through this, take heart. The strike will pass..all u need is alot of patience and determination. And if you feel like its the end of the world, just get in touch with me, ill lend you my shoulder to cry on.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Strike Day 5
Hubby was at home again today, cos we need to go sign some documents for our new flat. The morning passed by as usual, with us spoon feeding Thane his milk and water. I have increased his meals to 3 times a day now, adding cereal for breakfast because in the past he used to latch in the morning.
When Terelle went off to school, we took Thane along with us to the document signing session. I still didnt want to leave him alone. In the car, i had almost succeeded in getting him near the breast when my fone rang. (It was my dad, he has an uncanny knack of calling me at the most inopportune time. Sigh...)
Thane got startled and started to cry and pull away. At the height of his hysterics, hubby suggested we turn back and leave him at home. I refused and tried my best to comfort him, all the while trying not to burst into tears again.
He finally slept on my shoulder. Thank God we didnt turn back! During lunch, i spoonfed him some milk again. He took it with minimal fuss. I put him in the sling and carried him around for the rest of the day. My shoulders ached from his weight but i was determined for him to spend as much time close to me as possible.
Thane had his porridge outside and was an angel throughout the signing and the meeting with the lawyer. He slept on my shoulder during the meeting and didnt wake until 3 hours later, by then we had already reached home.
I was worried that he was getting dehydrated as he seemed lethargic to me. Hubby cheerfully remarked that previously i worried when he didnt sleep, now that he was napping for a longer stretch why was i worrying again?
Fed him another bowl of milk when he awoke and gave him a new sippy cup to try. We had just bought that cup in the afternoon as i wanted to try everything in a bid for him to drink more milk.
I was dreading bedtime again but surprisingly, i neednt have worried. After turning on the cd, i sang "There is none like You" just once to him and he fell fast asleep on my shoulder with nary a fuss. I was elated. My spirits lifted and i felt so much more hopeful that i have felt in days. I think God is trying to tell me that we can get through this.
Hubby just came in and commented that it is funny how God works. We have been trying to get Thane to sleep on his own and complaining so much about how he wakes up countless times throughout the night. Whenever he cried and needed to nurse in the middle of the night, Hubby used to carry him to me and sleep at the foot of the bed while i nursed him. As soon as he fell asleep again, i would kick hubby awake and he would gingerly carry him back to his cot, hardly daring to breathe in case he woke up again. Before hubby left on his biz trip, we were actually saying that as soon as he came back, we were going to let him go cold turkey and cry himself to sleep.
We have realised that we should be careful about what we wish for, it really might just come true but not in the way that we expect. Yes he has gone cold turkey, but he has done it on his own terms. We didnt have any choice in the matter. And perhaps it is a good time that he is finally teaching himself to sleep on his own and not use me as a pacifier.
I am going to sleep now. As i am writing this, Thane is still fast asleep and i am convinced that he will sleep through the night agian.
We shall see. I live to fight another day tomorrow. I am encouraged and i have faith that i can get through this.
So help me God.
When Terelle went off to school, we took Thane along with us to the document signing session. I still didnt want to leave him alone. In the car, i had almost succeeded in getting him near the breast when my fone rang. (It was my dad, he has an uncanny knack of calling me at the most inopportune time. Sigh...)
Thane got startled and started to cry and pull away. At the height of his hysterics, hubby suggested we turn back and leave him at home. I refused and tried my best to comfort him, all the while trying not to burst into tears again.
He finally slept on my shoulder. Thank God we didnt turn back! During lunch, i spoonfed him some milk again. He took it with minimal fuss. I put him in the sling and carried him around for the rest of the day. My shoulders ached from his weight but i was determined for him to spend as much time close to me as possible.
Thane had his porridge outside and was an angel throughout the signing and the meeting with the lawyer. He slept on my shoulder during the meeting and didnt wake until 3 hours later, by then we had already reached home.
I was worried that he was getting dehydrated as he seemed lethargic to me. Hubby cheerfully remarked that previously i worried when he didnt sleep, now that he was napping for a longer stretch why was i worrying again?
Fed him another bowl of milk when he awoke and gave him a new sippy cup to try. We had just bought that cup in the afternoon as i wanted to try everything in a bid for him to drink more milk.
I was dreading bedtime again but surprisingly, i neednt have worried. After turning on the cd, i sang "There is none like You" just once to him and he fell fast asleep on my shoulder with nary a fuss. I was elated. My spirits lifted and i felt so much more hopeful that i have felt in days. I think God is trying to tell me that we can get through this.
Hubby just came in and commented that it is funny how God works. We have been trying to get Thane to sleep on his own and complaining so much about how he wakes up countless times throughout the night. Whenever he cried and needed to nurse in the middle of the night, Hubby used to carry him to me and sleep at the foot of the bed while i nursed him. As soon as he fell asleep again, i would kick hubby awake and he would gingerly carry him back to his cot, hardly daring to breathe in case he woke up again. Before hubby left on his biz trip, we were actually saying that as soon as he came back, we were going to let him go cold turkey and cry himself to sleep.
We have realised that we should be careful about what we wish for, it really might just come true but not in the way that we expect. Yes he has gone cold turkey, but he has done it on his own terms. We didnt have any choice in the matter. And perhaps it is a good time that he is finally teaching himself to sleep on his own and not use me as a pacifier.
I am going to sleep now. As i am writing this, Thane is still fast asleep and i am convinced that he will sleep through the night agian.
We shall see. I live to fight another day tomorrow. I am encouraged and i have faith that i can get through this.
So help me God.
Strike Day 4
730am: Thane was awake and wailing his lungs out. I hurriedly carried him outside as Terelle was stirring. I didnt want her to wake so early as she would be tired and cranky by the time she had to go to school.
Hubby had to rush off to work and i quickly warmed up some milk for my helper to feed Thane. At that moment, Terelle walked into the living room. My heart sank...i couldnt face the prospect of entertaining her till the time she had to go to school and deal with Thane at the same time.
I begged her to go back to the room and sleep some more. She refused. I started to cry and begged her again to go to the room. She started to cry too. Hubby saw the drama unfolding and let out a sigh of despair.
In the end, with tears streaming down my face, i carried Terelle back to the room and set her down on the bed. I asked her if she wanted some milk and she said yes. After she finished her milk, i laid beside her and she quietly told me "Mummy dont be sad, ill sleep some more ok?"
With that, she started to smell her beloved blankie and closed her eyes.
I started to cry again. I could hardly believe that my little girl was so matured about this. She could actually empatise with what i was going through and didnt want to add to my misery. I thanked God for my little blessing.
While Terelle was napping, I spent more skin to skin time with Thane with the same music playing in the background. He fell asleep on my chest and i put him down next to Terelle and fell asleep myself.
When i awoke, hubby was home with a dozen donuts to cheer me up. Only he understood me best and knew that i needed food, sweet ones at that, to keep my spirits up. I had already gone through 2 packets of chocolates that day. I thanked God again for my other blessing in my life.
After dinner, hubby took out his guitar and song book and we spent the next hour singing some of our favourite worship songs. Terelle even tried to mimic Daddy by strumming her toy guitar with one of his picks. Thane sat in my lap and quietly observed us. He seemed strangely calm and didnt move much as he listened to our singing.
When it came to bedtime, Thane fell asleep in hubby's arms again, all the while listening to the cd. However, Terelle was talking rather loudly and woke him up an hour later and he started bawling again. I quickly started to heat up some milk for him but when i returned to the room, hubby had already put him down on the bed and he was fast asleep.
My tears started to flow again as i clutched that precious bowl of undrunk milk. My supply had been greatly affected by the events of the past few days and my breasts were sore from being unaccustomed to the harsh pumping action of the pump, so every drop that i managed to squeeze out was so precious. And there was this entire bowl of milk that wasnt going to go into Thane's system! I just couldnt bear the thought of that.
Hubby sat on the floor beside me and told me to let go and let God. He said that maybe if i finally could stop blaming myself and let go, my supply would return and God would make things right. Deep down in my heart i knew he was right, it was really up to me to stop trying to control everything. I washed my face and went to bed.
To my utmost surprise, Thane slept through the night.
When i groggily reached for my clock in the morning, i half expected it to be 3am. It was actually already 730am and he was still fast alseep. I was so happy i couldnt go back to sleep myself.
Hubby had to rush off to work and i quickly warmed up some milk for my helper to feed Thane. At that moment, Terelle walked into the living room. My heart sank...i couldnt face the prospect of entertaining her till the time she had to go to school and deal with Thane at the same time.
I begged her to go back to the room and sleep some more. She refused. I started to cry and begged her again to go to the room. She started to cry too. Hubby saw the drama unfolding and let out a sigh of despair.
In the end, with tears streaming down my face, i carried Terelle back to the room and set her down on the bed. I asked her if she wanted some milk and she said yes. After she finished her milk, i laid beside her and she quietly told me "Mummy dont be sad, ill sleep some more ok?"
With that, she started to smell her beloved blankie and closed her eyes.
I started to cry again. I could hardly believe that my little girl was so matured about this. She could actually empatise with what i was going through and didnt want to add to my misery. I thanked God for my little blessing.
Just before Terelle left for school, Thane smacked an entire bowl of milk onto the floor in his rage at being spoon fed. I was devastated as i watched my precious milk spilt on the floor instead of ending up in his tummy and yet i was helpless to do anything about it.
It was comforting to have hubby home yesterday but i knew i had to get through the days myself from now on. When Terelle went off to school, i took Thane into the room, closed the door, turned on the worship cd again and spent the next hour skin to skin with him. It worked, and he lay contentedly on my chest, listening to the music with his eyes wide open and he didnt cry one bit.
Encouraged, i tried offering him the breast again when the entired cd finished playing. Sadly, he started to push me away again. Dejected and thoroughly discouraged, i started to cry again. Inwardly i was telling myself, perhaps i was being too impatient. Perhaps i should give him more time.While Terelle was napping, I spent more skin to skin time with Thane with the same music playing in the background. He fell asleep on my chest and i put him down next to Terelle and fell asleep myself.
When i awoke, hubby was home with a dozen donuts to cheer me up. Only he understood me best and knew that i needed food, sweet ones at that, to keep my spirits up. I had already gone through 2 packets of chocolates that day. I thanked God again for my other blessing in my life.
After dinner, hubby took out his guitar and song book and we spent the next hour singing some of our favourite worship songs. Terelle even tried to mimic Daddy by strumming her toy guitar with one of his picks. Thane sat in my lap and quietly observed us. He seemed strangely calm and didnt move much as he listened to our singing.
When it came to bedtime, Thane fell asleep in hubby's arms again, all the while listening to the cd. However, Terelle was talking rather loudly and woke him up an hour later and he started bawling again. I quickly started to heat up some milk for him but when i returned to the room, hubby had already put him down on the bed and he was fast asleep.
My tears started to flow again as i clutched that precious bowl of undrunk milk. My supply had been greatly affected by the events of the past few days and my breasts were sore from being unaccustomed to the harsh pumping action of the pump, so every drop that i managed to squeeze out was so precious. And there was this entire bowl of milk that wasnt going to go into Thane's system! I just couldnt bear the thought of that.
Hubby sat on the floor beside me and told me to let go and let God. He said that maybe if i finally could stop blaming myself and let go, my supply would return and God would make things right. Deep down in my heart i knew he was right, it was really up to me to stop trying to control everything. I washed my face and went to bed.
To my utmost surprise, Thane slept through the night.
When i groggily reached for my clock in the morning, i half expected it to be 3am. It was actually already 730am and he was still fast alseep. I was so happy i couldnt go back to sleep myself.
Strike day 3
Hubby took leave today to lend me support and help out at home. He helps me prepare Terelle for school as i struggle with trying to feed Thane via cup, bottle and spoon.
I realised that spoon is the best bet as most of the milk gets in that way. He simply detests the bottle and with the cup, most of the milk dribbles down his chin. I try to get him to latch intermittently without success; he continues to push me away, crying unhappily.
1230pm: Terelle goes off to school. Hubby suggests we go out for a nice lunch but i cant bear to leave Thane alone at home.
In the end, we bring him downstairs to the coffee shop for a walk and to get some groceries. I can hardly stomach any food. As i miserably pick at my hokkein mee, Thane stares ahead forlornly. He seems to have lost his spirit too. Is my misery rubbing off on him or vice versa? Either way we are both miserable.
Throughout the afternoon, I kept replaying in my mind what happened on Friday night. I kept wishing I had known Thane was going to go on strike. I would have treasured every moment of our last nursing session. I would have smelled his soft hair, kissed his forehead and nuzzled his little fist, and look on with amusement at how he liked to scratch his head with his free hand, until he fell fast asleep. I would have treasured every second of our special time together and not take it for granted by reading or watching tv.
That afternoon i cried each time he cried. At one point, he was just sitting quietly in my lap and staring sullenly in front of him. It seemed as if his spirit was broken. With tears streaming down my face, i told hubby i couldnt take any more of this.
Terelle was trying to nap when she saw me crying. She quietly gave me a hug and said "Dont cry Mummy, I love you." I could hardly believe my ears. Here was my 3 year old baby actually comforting me!
My little girl has really grown up. I picked her up and hugged her. I asked her why baby keeps refusing to drink mummy's milk. Her innocent reply was "Baby dont want to drink milk becos he wants to go to school with me."
Smiling through my tears, i marvelled at how matured she could be one moment and just a kid again the next.
Thane woke up again in the middle of the night and we went through the motion of feeding and comforting again, all the while with the cd playing in the background.
He woke up only once this time.
I realised that spoon is the best bet as most of the milk gets in that way. He simply detests the bottle and with the cup, most of the milk dribbles down his chin. I try to get him to latch intermittently without success; he continues to push me away, crying unhappily.
1230pm: Terelle goes off to school. Hubby suggests we go out for a nice lunch but i cant bear to leave Thane alone at home.
In the end, we bring him downstairs to the coffee shop for a walk and to get some groceries. I can hardly stomach any food. As i miserably pick at my hokkein mee, Thane stares ahead forlornly. He seems to have lost his spirit too. Is my misery rubbing off on him or vice versa? Either way we are both miserable.
Throughout the afternoon, I kept replaying in my mind what happened on Friday night. I kept wishing I had known Thane was going to go on strike. I would have treasured every moment of our last nursing session. I would have smelled his soft hair, kissed his forehead and nuzzled his little fist, and look on with amusement at how he liked to scratch his head with his free hand, until he fell fast asleep. I would have treasured every second of our special time together and not take it for granted by reading or watching tv.
That afternoon i cried each time he cried. At one point, he was just sitting quietly in my lap and staring sullenly in front of him. It seemed as if his spirit was broken. With tears streaming down my face, i told hubby i couldnt take any more of this.
Terelle was trying to nap when she saw me crying. She quietly gave me a hug and said "Dont cry Mummy, I love you." I could hardly believe my ears. Here was my 3 year old baby actually comforting me!
My little girl has really grown up. I picked her up and hugged her. I asked her why baby keeps refusing to drink mummy's milk. Her innocent reply was "Baby dont want to drink milk becos he wants to go to school with me."
Smiling through my tears, i marvelled at how matured she could be one moment and just a kid again the next.
We brought Thane to see the pd in the evening, just to get him checked out and make sure there was nothing physically wrong with him. The pd gave him a clean bill of health and told me that he has a strong character to be able to protest so vehemently at 9mths.
When i told her i was not ready to wean, she looked me in the eye and said that it was not up to me anymore. Now it was really up to Thane, if and when he decides to forgive and forget, and start to nurse again.
I was crestfallen at her declaration. I was all ready to nurse him well into his toddler years. I didnt want the hassle of bottles and spoonfeeding. If only he would return to nursing, i wouldnt even mind getting up 5 times a night to nurse him again. Why did i complain so much when he was nursing through the night? What i wouldnt give to go back to those days. But it wasnt about what i wanted anymore, was it?
At night, after all the bedtime rituals, the four of us trooped into our room. As i turned on the cd player, songs of worship started to fill the room. Hubby remarked that he suddenly felt like listening to this particular cd. Surprisingly Thane fell asleep in his arms with much less fuss compared to the previous few nights.
As the four of us lay on our bed listening to the cd, the song "There is none like You" begain to play. Hubby started singing and when he came to the line "suffering children are safe in Your arms", i felt peace for the first time in days. God was comforting me and i told myself to hold that line close to my heart.Thane woke up again in the middle of the night and we went through the motion of feeding and comforting again, all the while with the cd playing in the background.
He woke up only once this time.
Strike Day 2
11pm: True enough, when it came to bedtime and Thane needed to nurse to sleep again, he started his hysterical screaming. Tried to get him to latch again but he wailed even louder. After rocking, bouncing, cradling, singing, walking around he finally slept, shuddering every few minutes, the after effects of his frenzied crying session.
2am: He wakes up crying again. I warm up a small container of expressed breast milk and painstakingly feed it to him by spoon, all the while carrying him with the other hand. He laps a few spoonfuls up eagerly only to start crying and struggling again. I doggedly continue to feed him every single drop, despite his apparent misery every few minutes.
315am: He falls asleep after crying his heart out again. My dad actually suggests that i bring him to the pd tomorrow to ask if it is time to wean. I almost explode with fury and exasperation.
5am: Same thing happens. Cry, warm milk, feed with one hand with him protesting between spoonfuls. I keep sms-ing hubby for encouragement. He replies and tries to keep my spirits up, despite it being 5am too over in Shanghai.
Hubby says he has a phobia of travelling now, cos everytime he travels, something will go wrong at home. Its always the kids who suffer!! Once when he travelled, Terelle landed in hospital and now this?! How i wish it were me who was aflicted with all these suffering...why does it have to be the kids??
6am: Thane falls asleep and i gratefully sink into bed.
830am: I wake up and groggily stagger out of bed only to realise my parents have taken Thane out for breakfast. Thankful, i go back to sleep with Terelle who miraculously, has slept through the entire din the night before.
10am: Thane returns asleep in my helper's arms. She puts him down in his cot and he wakes barely 15min later crying miserably again. No luck with latching again, we try to feed him some milk in a bottle. He tries to bat it away in despair, crying and gagging at the same time. Takes almost 30min to finish just 100ml of milk.
I am worried as most of the time his diapers are barely filled when they used to be so full they would leak from time to time. Is he dehydrated??
12 noon: Supposed to bring Terelle to a good friend's son's party but am so tired i cant bring myself to dress up, drag myself out and handle her outside. i knew i would be worried about Thane at home too, so decided to skip the party.
Afternoon passes by in the same manner, the only thought that kept me going was that hubby would be returning that night. I needed him to be around, to tell me that it was not my fault and that everything would be alright again. And with him around, if i needed to cry i could cry in peace. I did not need to keep up with appearances as i did with my parents around.
Headed off to the airport to fetch hubby in the evening. Thane started fussing after dinner. Tried to nurse him in the car, but to no avail. He used to love nursing in the car, the rocking motion slowly easing him to sleep. My heart twisted at the memory.
1130pm: The entire household is asleep. Thane wakes and cries inconsolably. Hubby has his first taste of the mayhem. I break down and sob my heart out as he tries to carry Thane and calm him down. Finally succeeds after about an hour.
Hubby repeatedly tells me that i couldnt have forseen that Thane would have such a reaction after the flicking incident and that i should look ahead and not dwell on the past. But i cant..i just cant...everytime i see how miserable he is, i feel like beating myself up.
3am: Thane wakes and we both scramble to feed him a bowl of milk again. Same reaction, feed cry feed cry....cry until spent, fall asleep wimpering. By now my heart is in a million pieces.
2am: He wakes up crying again. I warm up a small container of expressed breast milk and painstakingly feed it to him by spoon, all the while carrying him with the other hand. He laps a few spoonfuls up eagerly only to start crying and struggling again. I doggedly continue to feed him every single drop, despite his apparent misery every few minutes.
315am: He falls asleep after crying his heart out again. My dad actually suggests that i bring him to the pd tomorrow to ask if it is time to wean. I almost explode with fury and exasperation.
5am: Same thing happens. Cry, warm milk, feed with one hand with him protesting between spoonfuls. I keep sms-ing hubby for encouragement. He replies and tries to keep my spirits up, despite it being 5am too over in Shanghai.
Hubby says he has a phobia of travelling now, cos everytime he travels, something will go wrong at home. Its always the kids who suffer!! Once when he travelled, Terelle landed in hospital and now this?! How i wish it were me who was aflicted with all these suffering...why does it have to be the kids??
6am: Thane falls asleep and i gratefully sink into bed.
830am: I wake up and groggily stagger out of bed only to realise my parents have taken Thane out for breakfast. Thankful, i go back to sleep with Terelle who miraculously, has slept through the entire din the night before.
10am: Thane returns asleep in my helper's arms. She puts him down in his cot and he wakes barely 15min later crying miserably again. No luck with latching again, we try to feed him some milk in a bottle. He tries to bat it away in despair, crying and gagging at the same time. Takes almost 30min to finish just 100ml of milk.
I am worried as most of the time his diapers are barely filled when they used to be so full they would leak from time to time. Is he dehydrated??
12 noon: Supposed to bring Terelle to a good friend's son's party but am so tired i cant bring myself to dress up, drag myself out and handle her outside. i knew i would be worried about Thane at home too, so decided to skip the party.
Afternoon passes by in the same manner, the only thought that kept me going was that hubby would be returning that night. I needed him to be around, to tell me that it was not my fault and that everything would be alright again. And with him around, if i needed to cry i could cry in peace. I did not need to keep up with appearances as i did with my parents around.
Headed off to the airport to fetch hubby in the evening. Thane started fussing after dinner. Tried to nurse him in the car, but to no avail. He used to love nursing in the car, the rocking motion slowly easing him to sleep. My heart twisted at the memory.
1130pm: The entire household is asleep. Thane wakes and cries inconsolably. Hubby has his first taste of the mayhem. I break down and sob my heart out as he tries to carry Thane and calm him down. Finally succeeds after about an hour.
Hubby repeatedly tells me that i couldnt have forseen that Thane would have such a reaction after the flicking incident and that i should look ahead and not dwell on the past. But i cant..i just cant...everytime i see how miserable he is, i feel like beating myself up.
3am: Thane wakes and we both scramble to feed him a bowl of milk again. Same reaction, feed cry feed cry....cry until spent, fall asleep wimpering. By now my heart is in a million pieces.
Strike Day 1
1130pm: Trying to nurse Thane to sleep as usual. Brought the kids out on a cable car ride to Sentosa and then to watch the "Song of the Sea" today so am particularly bushed. Hoping that he would fall asleep quickly so that i can crash too, and not looking forward to him getting up at least 3 times to nurse during the nite again.
1138pm: Thane bites me hard and i flick his mouth, chiding him at the same time. He furrows his brow, gives me a bewildered and hurt look, arches his back away from me and starts to howl. I quickly carry him out of the room for fear of waking Terelle up. (On hindsight, shouldnt have bothered...she can sleep through an earthquake)
1230am: He is still crying and screaming. My mum tries to pacify him and it works for a few minutes. I keep trying to offer the breast and he does turn his face towards it. Then he seems to remember that he was flicked and turns away yelling with renewed fervour.
145am: He is still crying and wimpering pitifully. I sms hubby who is away and tell him how desperate i am. Hubby is awoken from his sleep and dismisses me as he thinks it is not a serious issue. But i am scared and desperate cos deep down i know that something is not right. The worm has turned and i dont think that anything i do will make it turn back.
215am: He has finally cried himself to sleep. Exhausted i climb into bed beside him and fall into a fitful sleep.
330am: He is up and wailing again! I offer the breast again and the same thing happens. He turns towards it then remembers how i hurt him and turns away crying woefully. My heart breaks...
All this while my mum is grumbling that i am making her precious grandson suffer and that it is not good for babies to cry so much and that he will get a fever and fits the next day and keeps suggesting that i give him formula as she is convinced that he is hungry.
I tell her that i think he is on a nursing strike and she scoffs at my resolve to breastfeed, claiming that my sister and i are both fine and dandy now and we were both not breastfed.
I am utterly frustrated and try to shut out all her unwanted advice.
445am: He cried until he was exhausted and has fallen asleep. I am exhausted too and miserable. Why is he rejecting me? I feel that it is my fault for flicking him.
620am: He wakes and i jump at the chance to offer him the breast. He takes it!! I am overjoyed, thinking that everything has gone back to normal. I do not dare move and we both fall asleep, me upright and him cradled in my arms.
830am: Thane wakes as per normal and my mum and helper take him outside to play with him while i get some extra shut eye.
1030am: I wake and my helper tells me she thinks he's hungry and sleepy at the same time. I fumble with my bra's nursing clasp and try to undo it quickly. Alas it is not quick enough for my impatient boy and he starts to howl in anger and twists out of my arms again. When i finally get it undone he refuses to latch again. He screams and cries for a good hour before falling into an exhausted stupor again.
The next couple of hours are a blur of intermittent crying, offering the breast, his refusal and pushing me away, more crying, then falling asleep only to wake in a short while and repeating the whole process.
By nightfall i am totally spent and utterly miserable. I havent had a bite of lunch and have no appetite for dinner. However my parents are around and i make a half hearted attempt at dragging myself downstairs for some food. I bring Thane along as i cant bear to leave him at home with my helper.
745pm: My parents and Terelle are tucking into a sumptous bak kut teh dinner while i stare at my food with Thane sitting in my lap. He is looking around impassively, totally unlike my busybody little boy just a couple of days ago. Every few minutes he will cry out and bury his face into my neck. My dad quickly finishes his dinner and carries him away to look at some children racing cars nearby, in a bid to cheer him up. I half heartedly swallow a few morsels of food.
After all the bedtime routines for both kids, my heart sinks further. I knew that it was going to be another long night.
I was right, the night was longer that it has ever been.
1138pm: Thane bites me hard and i flick his mouth, chiding him at the same time. He furrows his brow, gives me a bewildered and hurt look, arches his back away from me and starts to howl. I quickly carry him out of the room for fear of waking Terelle up. (On hindsight, shouldnt have bothered...she can sleep through an earthquake)
1230am: He is still crying and screaming. My mum tries to pacify him and it works for a few minutes. I keep trying to offer the breast and he does turn his face towards it. Then he seems to remember that he was flicked and turns away yelling with renewed fervour.
145am: He is still crying and wimpering pitifully. I sms hubby who is away and tell him how desperate i am. Hubby is awoken from his sleep and dismisses me as he thinks it is not a serious issue. But i am scared and desperate cos deep down i know that something is not right. The worm has turned and i dont think that anything i do will make it turn back.
215am: He has finally cried himself to sleep. Exhausted i climb into bed beside him and fall into a fitful sleep.
330am: He is up and wailing again! I offer the breast again and the same thing happens. He turns towards it then remembers how i hurt him and turns away crying woefully. My heart breaks...
All this while my mum is grumbling that i am making her precious grandson suffer and that it is not good for babies to cry so much and that he will get a fever and fits the next day and keeps suggesting that i give him formula as she is convinced that he is hungry.
I tell her that i think he is on a nursing strike and she scoffs at my resolve to breastfeed, claiming that my sister and i are both fine and dandy now and we were both not breastfed.
I am utterly frustrated and try to shut out all her unwanted advice.
445am: He cried until he was exhausted and has fallen asleep. I am exhausted too and miserable. Why is he rejecting me? I feel that it is my fault for flicking him.
620am: He wakes and i jump at the chance to offer him the breast. He takes it!! I am overjoyed, thinking that everything has gone back to normal. I do not dare move and we both fall asleep, me upright and him cradled in my arms.
830am: Thane wakes as per normal and my mum and helper take him outside to play with him while i get some extra shut eye.
1030am: I wake and my helper tells me she thinks he's hungry and sleepy at the same time. I fumble with my bra's nursing clasp and try to undo it quickly. Alas it is not quick enough for my impatient boy and he starts to howl in anger and twists out of my arms again. When i finally get it undone he refuses to latch again. He screams and cries for a good hour before falling into an exhausted stupor again.
The next couple of hours are a blur of intermittent crying, offering the breast, his refusal and pushing me away, more crying, then falling asleep only to wake in a short while and repeating the whole process.
By nightfall i am totally spent and utterly miserable. I havent had a bite of lunch and have no appetite for dinner. However my parents are around and i make a half hearted attempt at dragging myself downstairs for some food. I bring Thane along as i cant bear to leave him at home with my helper.
745pm: My parents and Terelle are tucking into a sumptous bak kut teh dinner while i stare at my food with Thane sitting in my lap. He is looking around impassively, totally unlike my busybody little boy just a couple of days ago. Every few minutes he will cry out and bury his face into my neck. My dad quickly finishes his dinner and carries him away to look at some children racing cars nearby, in a bid to cheer him up. I half heartedly swallow a few morsels of food.
After all the bedtime routines for both kids, my heart sinks further. I knew that it was going to be another long night.
I was right, the night was longer that it has ever been.
Monday, September 08, 2008
Maternal instinct
I am not maternal, never have been.
B.C (before children), i was never the kind to go ooh and aah over babies. Even when an impossibly cute specimen was hanging over my shoulder in the train, all i could manage was a smile or a polite pat on its hand, even while i knew that the mum was dying for me to ask some personal questions about her offspring just so that she could ply me with its latest anecdotes. No thanks, i would rather be listening to my music and escaping into my book.
Whenever i had to entertain a kid for more than a couple of minutes, my lame antics and silly noises would always be met with impassive, stony faces that conveyed the message that i was the greatest joke on earth. And i would be seriously wishing my friend/relative i.e the grimy kids' mum would quickly return or that the ground would swallow me up to save me from further embarassment.
And crying kids? They either gave me a headache or rendered me useless, and as such i avoided them like the plague.
While i was pregnant, i never felt that i was radiating femininity. While my friends waxed lyrical about how wonderful it felt and how miraculous it was to have a little being move inside you, all i felt were the longest 18months (2 pregnancies) of my life and i disliked the ungainly bump in front of me and the constraints it put on my active lifestyle.
6 years of marriage and 2 kids later, i am still learning how to be a mother. There are days i do give myself a pat on the back and there are days i wish i could kick myself. But through it all, there is one thing that i feel i have finally done well in - and that is breastfeeding Thane.
We battled countless problems together in the early days; latching issues, mastitis (3times), bleeding nipples, engorgement and yet we managed to overcome all of them. He has been a happy nurser for the past 9 months only to stop abruptly 4 nites ago cos i flicked his cheek in response to him biting hard.
This is not the first time ive done so as he has been biting pretty often enough, but this was the first time he looked at me with such hurt and betrayal in his eyes as he stopped nursing immediately, arched his back and pushed himself vehemently away from me.
B.C (before children), i was never the kind to go ooh and aah over babies. Even when an impossibly cute specimen was hanging over my shoulder in the train, all i could manage was a smile or a polite pat on its hand, even while i knew that the mum was dying for me to ask some personal questions about her offspring just so that she could ply me with its latest anecdotes. No thanks, i would rather be listening to my music and escaping into my book.
Whenever i had to entertain a kid for more than a couple of minutes, my lame antics and silly noises would always be met with impassive, stony faces that conveyed the message that i was the greatest joke on earth. And i would be seriously wishing my friend/relative i.e the grimy kids' mum would quickly return or that the ground would swallow me up to save me from further embarassment.
And crying kids? They either gave me a headache or rendered me useless, and as such i avoided them like the plague.
While i was pregnant, i never felt that i was radiating femininity. While my friends waxed lyrical about how wonderful it felt and how miraculous it was to have a little being move inside you, all i felt were the longest 18months (2 pregnancies) of my life and i disliked the ungainly bump in front of me and the constraints it put on my active lifestyle.
6 years of marriage and 2 kids later, i am still learning how to be a mother. There are days i do give myself a pat on the back and there are days i wish i could kick myself. But through it all, there is one thing that i feel i have finally done well in - and that is breastfeeding Thane.
We battled countless problems together in the early days; latching issues, mastitis (3times), bleeding nipples, engorgement and yet we managed to overcome all of them. He has been a happy nurser for the past 9 months only to stop abruptly 4 nites ago cos i flicked his cheek in response to him biting hard.
This is not the first time ive done so as he has been biting pretty often enough, but this was the first time he looked at me with such hurt and betrayal in his eyes as he stopped nursing immediately, arched his back and pushed himself vehemently away from me.
Nursing strike - 2 cold clinical words that describe a baby's abrupt refusal to nurse.
Each time Thane draws away from me screaming his lungs out, I feel bereft; as if i am mourning the leaving of a loved one, as if im mourning my hold on mothering my baby. Mothering through breastfeeding is the only thing i know i am doing completely right and that nobody could fault, and if i cant nurse i feel useless, helpless, miserable and worst of all defeated.
I never thought i would finally come face to face with my maternal instincts in this manner. Yet through this nursing strike - these 2 simple, self explaining words have since shaken my entire life and soul and has made me feel like its the end of the world.
I have been trawling the net for information on how to deal with nursing strikes and have been trying to find success stories of mothers who have coaxed their babies back to the breast after a strike.
But all I have found are very factual advices about how to cope with nursing strikes (how do u spend skin to skin time when your baby keeps pushing himself away from you and crying himself hoarse??) but very few success stories about mothers who have actually survived a nursing strike and come out triumphant on the other side.
There is especially, a lack of stories about mums who reacted strongly when her child bit her, had the child gone on strike and emerged better off for it.
And so i shall chronicle Thane's nursing strike, firstly to remember these emotional days and also to provide hope and comfort to any other mum who would be as unfortunate as me to encounter this in her breastfeeding journey.
Maternal instinct? Guess i do have a smidgeon of it after all. But i wish i didnt have to realise it through this episode...
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Complain Letter
Terelle was bent over a blank sheet of paper, writing some letters and drawing some squiggles very intently. I asked her what was she doing.
"Im writing a complain letter,' came her swift reply.
Complain letter?? I dont recall ever teaching her the concept of a complaint, let alone a complain letter.
"What do you want to complain about?"
"I want to complain about the kor kor on the bus. I want to kill him for always scratching kirsten and me!!"
Should i be concerned about this display of violence? Hahahha but a complain letter? I cant get over it. My girl is a born and bred Singaporean alright.
"Im writing a complain letter,' came her swift reply.
Complain letter?? I dont recall ever teaching her the concept of a complaint, let alone a complain letter.
"What do you want to complain about?"
"I want to complain about the kor kor on the bus. I want to kill him for always scratching kirsten and me!!"
Should i be concerned about this display of violence? Hahahha but a complain letter? I cant get over it. My girl is a born and bred Singaporean alright.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
First "fight'?
We were coaxing Terelle to drink up her chinese medicine. As usual, she was doing all she can and coming up with all sorts of delay tactics to get out of it.
It had been a long day and both of us were tired, hot and bothered, and our patience was worn thin.
Hubby finally lost his cool and shouted at her to get on with it.
She grudgingly sat on the floor and indignantly downed the medicine.
Thane chose this precise moment to let out a gurgle of laughter, which sounded like he was mocking her.
The little chilli padi turned to him and grimly declared in a menacing voice that commanded no further comments
"IT'S NOT FUNNY!"
Hubby and I could hardly keep a straight face after that. We both had to run out of the room lest we burst out laughing in front of her and lose our authority.
It had been a long day and both of us were tired, hot and bothered, and our patience was worn thin.
Hubby finally lost his cool and shouted at her to get on with it.
She grudgingly sat on the floor and indignantly downed the medicine.
Thane chose this precise moment to let out a gurgle of laughter, which sounded like he was mocking her.
The little chilli padi turned to him and grimly declared in a menacing voice that commanded no further comments
"IT'S NOT FUNNY!"
Hubby and I could hardly keep a straight face after that. We both had to run out of the room lest we burst out laughing in front of her and lose our authority.
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Uncanny coincidence
She was born on 050405
He was born on 071207
Similar date pattern
She has 7 letters in her name.
He has 5.
She turned 2 on 050407
He was made on 050407 *snigger*
She turned 3 on 050408
He started sleeping through the night on 050408
In the afternoon, both have to sleep at the same time and they will invariably wake up at the same time too!
We have an strange affinity with these 2 numbers in our daily life too. Rented wagons at the zoo, locker numbers, car park lots, receipt slips at special occasions; all bear the numbers '57'.
Sheer coincidence, you might scoff, but it has happened too many times for us to dismiss.
And the numbers 5 and 7 have an added significance, cos in the days when handphones were non existent and pagers were the hippest form of communication, i used the no 57 as my initials cos when viewed upside down, they form the letters LS.
Im so glad that sister and brother are close (so far), without me having to really try very hard. Whenever he cries, sometimes only his sister is able to make him smile with her silly antics. And whenever she cries, he invariably gets very upset too, as if he is sharing her distress.
Because of this uncanny coincidence, we have a sticker of the number 57 on our car, making us hard to miss on the roads.
So if u do see us, give us a toot and a wave! ;)
He was born on 071207
Similar date pattern
She has 7 letters in her name.
He has 5.
She turned 2 on 050407
He was made on 050407 *snigger*
She turned 3 on 050408
He started sleeping through the night on 050408
In the afternoon, both have to sleep at the same time and they will invariably wake up at the same time too!
We have an strange affinity with these 2 numbers in our daily life too. Rented wagons at the zoo, locker numbers, car park lots, receipt slips at special occasions; all bear the numbers '57'.
Sheer coincidence, you might scoff, but it has happened too many times for us to dismiss.
And the numbers 5 and 7 have an added significance, cos in the days when handphones were non existent and pagers were the hippest form of communication, i used the no 57 as my initials cos when viewed upside down, they form the letters LS.
Im so glad that sister and brother are close (so far), without me having to really try very hard. Whenever he cries, sometimes only his sister is able to make him smile with her silly antics. And whenever she cries, he invariably gets very upset too, as if he is sharing her distress.
Because of this uncanny coincidence, we have a sticker of the number 57 on our car, making us hard to miss on the roads.
So if u do see us, give us a toot and a wave! ;)
Monday, May 19, 2008
What did she say?!
Scenario 1
Family eating at dinner table. Hubby talking to his mum and she replies with her mouth half full. Little smart aleck quips with a serious, admonishing look on her face,
"Mama dont talk with ur mouth full! Its very rude!!"
Everyone almost falls off their chairs in laughter.
Looks like my incessant nagging at her not to talk with her mouth full is working!
Family eating at dinner table. Hubby talking to his mum and she replies with her mouth half full. Little smart aleck quips with a serious, admonishing look on her face,
"Mama dont talk with ur mouth full! Its very rude!!"
Everyone almost falls off their chairs in laughter.
Looks like my incessant nagging at her not to talk with her mouth full is working!
Scenario 2
We all head to the stables at Pasir Ris Park, hoping to let Terelle have a ride on the ponys. My dad complains non stop about the mosquitoes, the dark clouds and impending rain, the "ulu-ness" of the place and kept on dissuading us to let her have her fun with the ponys. This prompted me to tell him not to be a wet blanket.
Terelle, in all seriousness, asked as she cautiously tugged at and fingered his shirt," Why gong gong? Are you very wet??"
*Rolls eyes in disbelief*
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Hope
Ive finally realised the reason for my daughter's terrible moods - she's not feeling well.
Terelle has been on long term medication for her lung problems and allergies ever since January and recently her paediatrician decided to stop the meds. Consequently all the allergies started flaring up again - itchy, watery eyes, a sneeze a minute, leaky nose, breathlessness and a hacking cough with any slight exertion; and it drives her up the wall. And because of that, she takes her frustrations out on me, and who can blame her?
Coincidently a good friend brought her daughter to see a sinseh recently for her flu and it cleared up very quickly. She was very impressed and suggested i try tcm. I am not particularly a great fan of tcm, having heard horror stories of fly by night sinsehs who sneak weatern drugs into their "potions" and who use herbs from unknown sources. Moreover, i was brought up taking western medicine and coupled with my training as a biochemist armed with a plethora of proven scientific knowledge, i was skeptical and wary.
However, i have also heard that reputable sinsehs are able to treat the root cause of your problem and that treatment with tcm, although lengthy, aims for holistic wellbeing; versus western medicine which is quick acting but treats only symptoms. What the heck, i was desperate to try anything that can improve my poor girl's quality of life and also regain my sanity, so we quickly made an appointment to see this guy.
I wasnt too impressed when we reached the medical hall. It was old with flaky yellowed walls, non air conditioned and smelled very strongly of "koyok" (medicated plasters) A sour faced "nurse" told us in curt tones, without even looking at us, to wait until our number was called before going into the consultation room. After a 30min wait, we were finally face to face with the famed doctor.
He was a serious middle aged man who promptly ordered hubby out of the room so he could concentrate on sensing terelle's aura (or whatever he needed to do). Perhaps she was awed by him too, as she was uncharacteristically quiet and compliant. I started blubbering in my rusty mandarin but he totally ignored my ramblings. He took one look at her and grimly declared that she had weak lungs in surprisingly fluent English. ( Now why did i assume that just because he was a sinseh who practiced traditional chinese medicine that i HAD to speak in mandarin and make a fool of myself??)
He started to examine her and after a minute of silence (by then i was too cowed by his intimidating presence to utter a squeak), he looked up and with a voice that dripped contempt, asked me a barrage of questions.
"Do you give her yakult and juice?"
"Yes"
"Biscuits, chocolates, fruits?"
(more meekly) "Yes"
"She eats very slowly, has no appetite, sleeps poorly and tosses and turns?"
"Yes"
"She had an episode of lung infection in recent months?"
"Yes in January"
"Then she had high fever with fits too?"
"Yes during a 2nd infection in February"
(He can tell so much by just reading her pulse??)
"She is in very bad health, you shouldnt have waited so long to see me"
"....." (My heart sinks to the bottom of my shoes)
"Her upbringing is so bad, all those yakult, fruits, western stuff...they claim is good but it does more harm to our system. We are asians so we have a completely different constitution, we cannot eat the same way as the ang mohs."
(Bad upbringing?? what bad upbringing??) I felt abit indignant at that point.
"Your daughter has a very strong personality, she has very obvious leadership qualities. I can tell from her face. And being unwell hinders her learning potential. She gets very frustrated and irritable often right?"
(What is he now, a fortune teller too??)
"Yes"
He shakes his head and makes some notes. At this point i stupidly venture to ask a question, cos he made it sound as though she was beyond hope.
" So can she be cured?"
He looked at me over his glasses, arched an eyebrow and said curtly
"I know what im doing"
*But..but...i didnt mean to say you dont know what ure doing...i just need some assurance...* *sniff sniff*
ok no more talking from me, i decided to speak only when spoken to.
"ok she cannot eat nuts, all fruits from A to Z, fruit juices, yakult, green tea, chicken, eggs, all fried things, oily stuff, oven baked like cakes, cereals, biscuits..."
(i start to space out...so many things? What can she eat?)
"Ah i know u wont be able to remember all these. You yourself suffer from insomnia and hence cannot focus well, have a bad back here" (points to the exact spot where my back is aching) "pain here" (points to a stiff spot on my neck that i cant seem to shake off) "have constipation and heartburn"
Ahhhhh...he can see all that from my face too?? But he's spot on in his diagnosis
"Just give her small portions of soft foods now; oats, porridge. Boil it with meat but dont let her eat the meat. Fish ok"
"Can she eat sushi? Its her favourite"
"No, the rice is too hard for her to digest"
Terelle had been quiet and paying attention to our conversation so far. I noticed her face registering increasing alarm after hearing the entire list of forbidden food. To hear that she couldnt have her beloved sushi; it was the straw that broke her back. She couldnt help but blurt out pleadingly
"Noodles can? Doctor please say can?"
That elicited a smile from the doctor who told her with a laugh that noodles are fine.
"See your girl is so smart, we must make her feel better then she can really shine"
I heave an inaudible sigh of relief...he's human after all.
And i chose this moment to ask another dumb question.
"So do i have to be treated too?"
Another arch of his eyebrow. "Ill treat your girl first, part of your inability to sleep is because of her. Because u worry too much about her"
Whoa spot on again. I felt like a recalcitrant schoolgirl in front of a strict principal.
And so, that kinda concluded our virgin sinseh visit. Terelle was given a vile smelling concoction together with some powder to drink and ordered to come back in 5 days.
Miraculously, she took the medicine with minimal fuss and true enough, showed visible signs of improvement after 5 days.
We are now both seeing this sinseh for long term maintenance and well being and i feel much more lighthearted seeing terelle in better spirits and most importantly better health. She only has occasional sneezes when she wakes in the morning and can run like the wind without succumbing to a hacking cough.
And surprisingly, good ol serious doc has started to lighten up. He now laughs and jokes with us, probably cos we have been listening to his advice and have shown considerable improvement. Even sour faced puss at the recept now smiles and makes small talk with us. Or maybe our scintillating personalities are now shining through cos we are both feeling better? Haha...lame...
But there you have it, i now have hope, in the form of a no nonsense chinese sinseh.
Terelle has been on long term medication for her lung problems and allergies ever since January and recently her paediatrician decided to stop the meds. Consequently all the allergies started flaring up again - itchy, watery eyes, a sneeze a minute, leaky nose, breathlessness and a hacking cough with any slight exertion; and it drives her up the wall. And because of that, she takes her frustrations out on me, and who can blame her?
Coincidently a good friend brought her daughter to see a sinseh recently for her flu and it cleared up very quickly. She was very impressed and suggested i try tcm. I am not particularly a great fan of tcm, having heard horror stories of fly by night sinsehs who sneak weatern drugs into their "potions" and who use herbs from unknown sources. Moreover, i was brought up taking western medicine and coupled with my training as a biochemist armed with a plethora of proven scientific knowledge, i was skeptical and wary.
However, i have also heard that reputable sinsehs are able to treat the root cause of your problem and that treatment with tcm, although lengthy, aims for holistic wellbeing; versus western medicine which is quick acting but treats only symptoms. What the heck, i was desperate to try anything that can improve my poor girl's quality of life and also regain my sanity, so we quickly made an appointment to see this guy.
I wasnt too impressed when we reached the medical hall. It was old with flaky yellowed walls, non air conditioned and smelled very strongly of "koyok" (medicated plasters) A sour faced "nurse" told us in curt tones, without even looking at us, to wait until our number was called before going into the consultation room. After a 30min wait, we were finally face to face with the famed doctor.
He was a serious middle aged man who promptly ordered hubby out of the room so he could concentrate on sensing terelle's aura (or whatever he needed to do). Perhaps she was awed by him too, as she was uncharacteristically quiet and compliant. I started blubbering in my rusty mandarin but he totally ignored my ramblings. He took one look at her and grimly declared that she had weak lungs in surprisingly fluent English. ( Now why did i assume that just because he was a sinseh who practiced traditional chinese medicine that i HAD to speak in mandarin and make a fool of myself??)
He started to examine her and after a minute of silence (by then i was too cowed by his intimidating presence to utter a squeak), he looked up and with a voice that dripped contempt, asked me a barrage of questions.
"Do you give her yakult and juice?"
"Yes"
"Biscuits, chocolates, fruits?"
(more meekly) "Yes"
"She eats very slowly, has no appetite, sleeps poorly and tosses and turns?"
"Yes"
"She had an episode of lung infection in recent months?"
"Yes in January"
"Then she had high fever with fits too?"
"Yes during a 2nd infection in February"
(He can tell so much by just reading her pulse??)
"She is in very bad health, you shouldnt have waited so long to see me"
"....." (My heart sinks to the bottom of my shoes)
"Her upbringing is so bad, all those yakult, fruits, western stuff...they claim is good but it does more harm to our system. We are asians so we have a completely different constitution, we cannot eat the same way as the ang mohs."
(Bad upbringing?? what bad upbringing??) I felt abit indignant at that point.
"Your daughter has a very strong personality, she has very obvious leadership qualities. I can tell from her face. And being unwell hinders her learning potential. She gets very frustrated and irritable often right?"
(What is he now, a fortune teller too??)
"Yes"
He shakes his head and makes some notes. At this point i stupidly venture to ask a question, cos he made it sound as though she was beyond hope.
" So can she be cured?"
He looked at me over his glasses, arched an eyebrow and said curtly
"I know what im doing"
*But..but...i didnt mean to say you dont know what ure doing...i just need some assurance...* *sniff sniff*
ok no more talking from me, i decided to speak only when spoken to.
"ok she cannot eat nuts, all fruits from A to Z, fruit juices, yakult, green tea, chicken, eggs, all fried things, oily stuff, oven baked like cakes, cereals, biscuits..."
(i start to space out...so many things? What can she eat?)
"Ah i know u wont be able to remember all these. You yourself suffer from insomnia and hence cannot focus well, have a bad back here" (points to the exact spot where my back is aching) "pain here" (points to a stiff spot on my neck that i cant seem to shake off) "have constipation and heartburn"
Ahhhhh...he can see all that from my face too?? But he's spot on in his diagnosis
"Just give her small portions of soft foods now; oats, porridge. Boil it with meat but dont let her eat the meat. Fish ok"
"Can she eat sushi? Its her favourite"
"No, the rice is too hard for her to digest"
Terelle had been quiet and paying attention to our conversation so far. I noticed her face registering increasing alarm after hearing the entire list of forbidden food. To hear that she couldnt have her beloved sushi; it was the straw that broke her back. She couldnt help but blurt out pleadingly
"Noodles can? Doctor please say can?"
That elicited a smile from the doctor who told her with a laugh that noodles are fine.
"See your girl is so smart, we must make her feel better then she can really shine"
I heave an inaudible sigh of relief...he's human after all.
And i chose this moment to ask another dumb question.
"So do i have to be treated too?"
Another arch of his eyebrow. "Ill treat your girl first, part of your inability to sleep is because of her. Because u worry too much about her"
Whoa spot on again. I felt like a recalcitrant schoolgirl in front of a strict principal.
And so, that kinda concluded our virgin sinseh visit. Terelle was given a vile smelling concoction together with some powder to drink and ordered to come back in 5 days.
Miraculously, she took the medicine with minimal fuss and true enough, showed visible signs of improvement after 5 days.
We are now both seeing this sinseh for long term maintenance and well being and i feel much more lighthearted seeing terelle in better spirits and most importantly better health. She only has occasional sneezes when she wakes in the morning and can run like the wind without succumbing to a hacking cough.
And surprisingly, good ol serious doc has started to lighten up. He now laughs and jokes with us, probably cos we have been listening to his advice and have shown considerable improvement. Even sour faced puss at the recept now smiles and makes small talk with us. Or maybe our scintillating personalities are now shining through cos we are both feeling better? Haha...lame...
But there you have it, i now have hope, in the form of a no nonsense chinese sinseh.
Friday, May 16, 2008
My sweet girl
I was lying in bed this morning trying to get an extra hour of sleep, having had to wake up 5 times the night before to nurse a sick baby with a stuffy nose. I could hear the baby wailing to be carried outside and Terelle's incessant pleas for someone to play with her but i stubbornly tried to shut out the din by burrowing deeper under the covers.
Suddenly i heard little footsteps approaching the bed. Terelle had crept up silently beside me. She planted a kiss on my cheek and whispered " Is your head bursting, mummy? You sleep well okie? Then when u wake up later you can play with me okie?"
For that i immediately got up and found the energy to start the day.
I guess i must be doing something right after all.
Suddenly i heard little footsteps approaching the bed. Terelle had crept up silently beside me. She planted a kiss on my cheek and whispered " Is your head bursting, mummy? You sleep well okie? Then when u wake up later you can play with me okie?"
For that i immediately got up and found the energy to start the day.
I guess i must be doing something right after all.
Sunday, May 04, 2008
I am crap
Lately ive been feeling extremely tired, both emotionally and physically, from taking care of the 2 kids. Im out of play ideas, i snap for no rhyme or reason, everything and everyone irks me to no end and when i wake up in the morning sometimes i wish they would just disappear.
In short, im simply at the end of my tether. I feel like a terrible, useless mum.
I have friends who breeze through being a stay at home mum to 2 kids, without any help whatsoever. And they are still cheerful and patient and can find loads to do with their kids. They can play with them the whole day, take them out to the malls (ALONE!!) and never scream like a deranged banshee.
Me? Most days terelle watches tv till her eyes glaze over while i sit on the couch with the baby stuck on my breast, repeatedly yelling at her to switch it off. And yet when she finally does switch it off, i have no energy left to think of yet another inane game to entertain her with. And i do have a helper to do all the household chores and cook for us.
I feel like a terrible, useless mum.
I used to have tons of patience to spare, i could counsel and advise even the most obstinate and rebellious student. Now i find myself getting irritated by petty and inconsequential things.
Terelle whines for more cereals. I grudgingly fetch the bowl for her and wish she would shut up.
She asks to be piggy backed to the toilet to brush her teeth and whines when i deny her cos my tired, aching body just cant take piggy backing her 14kg frame for that short trip to the loo. I forcefully haul her to the sink and brush her teeth whilst she is crying pitifully, saying that ive hurt her arm. And i start to regret...why couldnt i have just piggy backed her and saved myself from this emotional outburst?
The baby is cranky and refuses to sleep, and screams to be rocked and nursed at the same time. I stubbornly sit on the sofa, vehemently stuff my breast into his mouth and yell at him to cooperate, while he gags and chokes because he is fighting me off and crying at the same time.
And while i am fighting my epic battle with the baby, Terelle comes running to me and askes me to play with her cos my helper simply has no idea how to entertain her. I ask her to wait till the baby's asleep and she glues herself to the goggle box again. I think venomous thoughts along the lines of "why is my maid so darn inept that she cant entertain a 3year old for a couple of minutes?" and take my anger out on Terelle by continuing to yell at her to switch the damn tv off.
The baby is finally asleep but by now Terelle has watched a whole hour and a half of mindless cartoons and my wrist is aching badly. I force myself to inject some cheer in my voice as i ask her nicely if she would like to do some painting/coloring/puzzles/play with her playdoh/toys/read a book. She says no to all the above and screams non stop when i switch the tv off. I take my rising resentment and anger out on her by yelling at her yet again and ignoring her completely as she sulks on the sofa.
After awhile she comes over and asks me in a pathetically plaintive voice "Mummy make happy face, Mummy dont be angry" and my heart breaks. God, she must be thinking what a monster Mummy is! I must be doing some serious damage to her emotional health!
I remind myself for the umpteenth time that she is only a kid and that i really shouldnt shout at her for nothing. We do some activity for a whole of 20min before she loses interest in it and wants to go back to watching tv. I yell at her to switch the blasted thing off again and she goes and sulks again. The cycle continues.
Am i really such a failure at entertaining my own kid? Am i so boring compared to the damn tv??
I feel like a terrible, useless mum.
If she goes to school, at least i get some respite but its still not time for myself. The baby needs a bath, has to be fed and bounced to sleep again and i need some lunch and visit the toilet. If im lucky, the maid plays with him and he is happy while i can do my business in peace. On bad days, i have to rush through my business and cant do it properly cos i can hear him wailing himself hoarse outside. I am that pathetic.
And oh i forgot...i realise i didnt even have time to wash my face that morning.
If she doesnt go to school, i have an even harder time. After having barked at her non stop for the past hour to chew and swallow (Terelle hates eating, by the way), i am frustrated and sweltering (stupid muggy weather) and my patience is at its limit. And there she goes and sneezes, hurling chunks of food that she has been keeping in her mouth for the past 15min all over the dining table, floor and my face.
I literally lose it. Rage consumes me as i scream at her so malevolently i scare myself. She bawls and i send her to the room as i sit on the sofa and weep. I think to myself, how much more of this can i take?? After i compose myself i go to the room and find her a whimpering wreck and i start berating myself again as i try my best to soothe away the tears and raw feelings.
I feel like a terrible, useless mum.
If she doesnt go to school, i have to think of ways to entertain my gal, her with the attention span of a gnat. Somedays i take her out, but trying to manage 2 kids outside, albeit with a maid's help, leaves me exhausted and i wish i had stayed home instead.
Yet being exhausted outside still beats staying at home with a bored 3 year old who can take just that much of painting/coloring/puzzles/playdoh/toys/books. But hey, there are just that many places to go in Singapore and the blistering heat doesnt help one bit. Or am i just not creative enough?
When they are awake, im counting the hours till they take their nap. When they are napping, i pray fervently that they dont wake so soon. If there were a drug that would make my kids sleep the whole day without any bad side effects, ill rush out to buy it. Now what kind of mother am i to wish that her kids be asleep the whole day??
They have to sleep their requisite 2 hours so i can take the time to just cool myself down. If either of them wakes prematurely i find myself taking my frustration and despair out on them again. Its so unfair to them i know, but i cant help it.
I feel like a terrible, useless mum.
By 6pm im usually in such a state of misery that i start sms-ing hubby to ask what time he's coming home. Ive just checked the sent box on my handphone and realise that 4 out of 5 weekdays i ask him the same question. My messages sound especially anguished when Terelle is up from her nap earlier than usual and is in a foul mood.
Hubby has never complained about having to receive these messages day after day but i am depressed by the state i am now reduced to. I just live for the time he comes home and when he does im usually an exhausted, sweaty, crabby mess and I hate it.
Am i too idealistic in trying to raise my kids?
Perhaps a couple of hours of tv a day wouldnt do too much harm?
But i have friends who can keep their kids away from the idiot box and yet still keep them entertained by activity books, flashcards and books and here i am falling so far short of that benchmark.
Perhaps letting the baby cry it out for awhile wouldnt hurt him at all?
But ive read that happy, secure babies are the ones that have their needs met all the time and are stronger and healthier as a result; and I worry about letting him cry till he's out of breath while i am struggling with managing Terelle's emotions.
Perhaps letting Terelle play in the playground is a better idea than keeping her at home?
But what about the epidemic levels of hfmd now??
Perhaps letting Terelle go to a childcare for the whole day will do both her and me some good? But what about exposure to all those germy kids? What will that do to her fragile, allergy prone body??
Perhaps leaving them alone with the maid is alright while i go have some me time?
But i cant, i just cant bear the thought of leaving them alone with a complete stranger, someone whose entire background was only presented to me on a sheet of paper.
I look on enviously at friends whose parents help them to no end with their kids. And i start getting even more resentful because i know that i will never be able to have that luxury.
Perhaps im really being too hard on myself.
Perhaps i really should let go a little.
Perhaps i should just stop comparing myself with other supermums.
Perhaps i should go back to work so that when i come back ill miss them so much ill be a happier mum. (But that is out of the question cos i have no parental help and i cant bear to send them to a childcare)
Or perhaps im just not cut out for this job.
I feel like a terrible, useless mum.
In short, im simply at the end of my tether. I feel like a terrible, useless mum.
I have friends who breeze through being a stay at home mum to 2 kids, without any help whatsoever. And they are still cheerful and patient and can find loads to do with their kids. They can play with them the whole day, take them out to the malls (ALONE!!) and never scream like a deranged banshee.
Me? Most days terelle watches tv till her eyes glaze over while i sit on the couch with the baby stuck on my breast, repeatedly yelling at her to switch it off. And yet when she finally does switch it off, i have no energy left to think of yet another inane game to entertain her with. And i do have a helper to do all the household chores and cook for us.
I feel like a terrible, useless mum.
I used to have tons of patience to spare, i could counsel and advise even the most obstinate and rebellious student. Now i find myself getting irritated by petty and inconsequential things.
Terelle whines for more cereals. I grudgingly fetch the bowl for her and wish she would shut up.
She asks to be piggy backed to the toilet to brush her teeth and whines when i deny her cos my tired, aching body just cant take piggy backing her 14kg frame for that short trip to the loo. I forcefully haul her to the sink and brush her teeth whilst she is crying pitifully, saying that ive hurt her arm. And i start to regret...why couldnt i have just piggy backed her and saved myself from this emotional outburst?
The baby is cranky and refuses to sleep, and screams to be rocked and nursed at the same time. I stubbornly sit on the sofa, vehemently stuff my breast into his mouth and yell at him to cooperate, while he gags and chokes because he is fighting me off and crying at the same time.
And while i am fighting my epic battle with the baby, Terelle comes running to me and askes me to play with her cos my helper simply has no idea how to entertain her. I ask her to wait till the baby's asleep and she glues herself to the goggle box again. I think venomous thoughts along the lines of "why is my maid so darn inept that she cant entertain a 3year old for a couple of minutes?" and take my anger out on Terelle by continuing to yell at her to switch the damn tv off.
The baby is finally asleep but by now Terelle has watched a whole hour and a half of mindless cartoons and my wrist is aching badly. I force myself to inject some cheer in my voice as i ask her nicely if she would like to do some painting/coloring/puzzles/play with her playdoh/toys/read a book. She says no to all the above and screams non stop when i switch the tv off. I take my rising resentment and anger out on her by yelling at her yet again and ignoring her completely as she sulks on the sofa.
After awhile she comes over and asks me in a pathetically plaintive voice "Mummy make happy face, Mummy dont be angry" and my heart breaks. God, she must be thinking what a monster Mummy is! I must be doing some serious damage to her emotional health!
I remind myself for the umpteenth time that she is only a kid and that i really shouldnt shout at her for nothing. We do some activity for a whole of 20min before she loses interest in it and wants to go back to watching tv. I yell at her to switch the blasted thing off again and she goes and sulks again. The cycle continues.
Am i really such a failure at entertaining my own kid? Am i so boring compared to the damn tv??
I feel like a terrible, useless mum.
If she goes to school, at least i get some respite but its still not time for myself. The baby needs a bath, has to be fed and bounced to sleep again and i need some lunch and visit the toilet. If im lucky, the maid plays with him and he is happy while i can do my business in peace. On bad days, i have to rush through my business and cant do it properly cos i can hear him wailing himself hoarse outside. I am that pathetic.
And oh i forgot...i realise i didnt even have time to wash my face that morning.
If she doesnt go to school, i have an even harder time. After having barked at her non stop for the past hour to chew and swallow (Terelle hates eating, by the way), i am frustrated and sweltering (stupid muggy weather) and my patience is at its limit. And there she goes and sneezes, hurling chunks of food that she has been keeping in her mouth for the past 15min all over the dining table, floor and my face.
I literally lose it. Rage consumes me as i scream at her so malevolently i scare myself. She bawls and i send her to the room as i sit on the sofa and weep. I think to myself, how much more of this can i take?? After i compose myself i go to the room and find her a whimpering wreck and i start berating myself again as i try my best to soothe away the tears and raw feelings.
I feel like a terrible, useless mum.
If she doesnt go to school, i have to think of ways to entertain my gal, her with the attention span of a gnat. Somedays i take her out, but trying to manage 2 kids outside, albeit with a maid's help, leaves me exhausted and i wish i had stayed home instead.
Yet being exhausted outside still beats staying at home with a bored 3 year old who can take just that much of painting/coloring/puzzles/playdoh/toys/books. But hey, there are just that many places to go in Singapore and the blistering heat doesnt help one bit. Or am i just not creative enough?
When they are awake, im counting the hours till they take their nap. When they are napping, i pray fervently that they dont wake so soon. If there were a drug that would make my kids sleep the whole day without any bad side effects, ill rush out to buy it. Now what kind of mother am i to wish that her kids be asleep the whole day??
They have to sleep their requisite 2 hours so i can take the time to just cool myself down. If either of them wakes prematurely i find myself taking my frustration and despair out on them again. Its so unfair to them i know, but i cant help it.
I feel like a terrible, useless mum.
By 6pm im usually in such a state of misery that i start sms-ing hubby to ask what time he's coming home. Ive just checked the sent box on my handphone and realise that 4 out of 5 weekdays i ask him the same question. My messages sound especially anguished when Terelle is up from her nap earlier than usual and is in a foul mood.
Hubby has never complained about having to receive these messages day after day but i am depressed by the state i am now reduced to. I just live for the time he comes home and when he does im usually an exhausted, sweaty, crabby mess and I hate it.
Am i too idealistic in trying to raise my kids?
Perhaps a couple of hours of tv a day wouldnt do too much harm?
But i have friends who can keep their kids away from the idiot box and yet still keep them entertained by activity books, flashcards and books and here i am falling so far short of that benchmark.
Perhaps letting the baby cry it out for awhile wouldnt hurt him at all?
But ive read that happy, secure babies are the ones that have their needs met all the time and are stronger and healthier as a result; and I worry about letting him cry till he's out of breath while i am struggling with managing Terelle's emotions.
Perhaps letting Terelle play in the playground is a better idea than keeping her at home?
But what about the epidemic levels of hfmd now??
Perhaps letting Terelle go to a childcare for the whole day will do both her and me some good? But what about exposure to all those germy kids? What will that do to her fragile, allergy prone body??
Perhaps leaving them alone with the maid is alright while i go have some me time?
But i cant, i just cant bear the thought of leaving them alone with a complete stranger, someone whose entire background was only presented to me on a sheet of paper.
I look on enviously at friends whose parents help them to no end with their kids. And i start getting even more resentful because i know that i will never be able to have that luxury.
Perhaps im really being too hard on myself.
Perhaps i really should let go a little.
Perhaps i should just stop comparing myself with other supermums.
Perhaps i should go back to work so that when i come back ill miss them so much ill be a happier mum. (But that is out of the question cos i have no parental help and i cant bear to send them to a childcare)
Or perhaps im just not cut out for this job.
I feel like a terrible, useless mum.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Chemistry 101
T: Mummy, what is this?
Me: A bottle for you to blow bubbles from
T: What is inside the bottle?
Me: Soap water
T: What is inside the soap water?
Me: Soap
T: What is inside the soap?
Me: Errr...alkali
T: What is inside the al-ka-li?
Me: Errr...chemicals
T: What is inside the chemicals?
Me: Molecules
T: (pondering) Moll-lee-qs. What is inside the molecules?
Me: Errr...nuclei and electrons
T: (pondering for a longer time) What is that mummy?
Me: Tiny things inside the molecules
T: Tiny things? What to they do?
Me: Errrrr i dunno...how about we blow some bubbles?
T: *Happily* OK! (All talk of molecules and what nots forgotten completely)
Me: (thinking) What do they do? What do they do? *Panic* Dun test my chemistry knowledge so soon alright??
Oh my god, and im embarassed to say im a chemistry teacher!! But how do you explain what do nuclei and electrons do to a 3 year old??
Me: A bottle for you to blow bubbles from
T: What is inside the bottle?
Me: Soap water
T: What is inside the soap water?
Me: Soap
T: What is inside the soap?
Me: Errr...alkali
T: What is inside the al-ka-li?
Me: Errr...chemicals
T: What is inside the chemicals?
Me: Molecules
T: (pondering) Moll-lee-qs. What is inside the molecules?
Me: Errr...nuclei and electrons
T: (pondering for a longer time) What is that mummy?
Me: Tiny things inside the molecules
T: Tiny things? What to they do?
Me: Errrrr i dunno...how about we blow some bubbles?
T: *Happily* OK! (All talk of molecules and what nots forgotten completely)
Me: (thinking) What do they do? What do they do? *Panic* Dun test my chemistry knowledge so soon alright??
Oh my god, and im embarassed to say im a chemistry teacher!! But how do you explain what do nuclei and electrons do to a 3 year old??
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Because of you (two)
Because of you, i have a chronic back ache.
Because of you, no amount of concealer can hide my eye bags.
Because of you, i have the rusty, cloying smell of breastmilk lingering around me all the time.
Because of you, i have become a neurotic hypochondriac, for fear of passersby spreading their germs to you. I deliberately make a huge detour if someone sneezes or coughs in our path, disregarding any dirty looks from the offender. To hell with social graces! I am not risking another episode of you being so sick.
And on the same note, because of you, every little sneeze or cough of yours sends me into a frenzy and i start keeping you under surveillence and worry incessantly that you might be falling sick.
Because of you, i find myself constantly counting the no of days it takes to incubate viruses after an encounter with a sick person, heaving a sigh of relief only after the theoretical requisite no of days has passed. Only to find myself starting on another cycle of waiting with bated breath as you come into contact with yet another sick person. I am crazy and paranoid, i know, but i simply cant help it.
Because of you, somedays when things get really crazy, i feel like giving up and throwing you both out the window. When you dont want to eat the nutritious food that i have painstakingly prepared for the umpteenth time, when you have been wailing non stop because you cant have your way, when you refuse to sleep and insist on me carrying your 8kg frame and bouncing up and down like a human "yao lan" WHILE your sister is screaming and kicking me in the shins because i refuse to give her sweets before bedtime; i wish i could turn back time and not have kids in the first place.
And yet because of you, every ache and every pain melts away when you lie beside me at night and tell me that you love me out of the blue.
Because of you, i am starting to see the world through your rose tinted eyes and marvel at how innocent and untainted a child can be.
Because of you, i am learning how to stretch my patience and have become more creative at parenting.
Because of you, im glad i made the choice to stay at home and witness every single one of your milestone. Every gummy smile, every new story that you tell me about your day in school is a priceless treasure to me.
Because of you, my heart is lifted whenever you are happy and i wish you could be happy all the time.
And because of you, i have come to see a different side of the man i married. The man helps me with you whenever he can and yes, although there are limits to his patience (he is a man after all...) but i am thankful for every bedtime story read, every bathtime sorted, every meal patiently fed when i am dead on my feet from exhaustion; when he could have been enjoying his sports channel after a hard day's work.
I am thankful for his thoughtfulness with little surprises like a spa treat when i feel like i cannot deal with you anymore and i am grateful for his willingness to labor on beside me in being a hands on parent.
And though because of you our bedroom has been usurped, our couple time has dwindled to almost zilch and our almost our entire day is being monopolised by a slew of relentless whinings, demands for attention, feeds, burps and diaper changes; it makes me miss our couple time and reminisce about the those lazy, hazy days when we had the whole weekend to ourselves and could jet off on a short holiday whenever we fancied.
But yes, because of you, i have grown to love your daddy more.
Having said all that, because of you, i am still glad i have kids.
Because of you, no amount of concealer can hide my eye bags.
Because of you, i have the rusty, cloying smell of breastmilk lingering around me all the time.
Because of you, i have become a neurotic hypochondriac, for fear of passersby spreading their germs to you. I deliberately make a huge detour if someone sneezes or coughs in our path, disregarding any dirty looks from the offender. To hell with social graces! I am not risking another episode of you being so sick.
And on the same note, because of you, every little sneeze or cough of yours sends me into a frenzy and i start keeping you under surveillence and worry incessantly that you might be falling sick.
Because of you, i find myself constantly counting the no of days it takes to incubate viruses after an encounter with a sick person, heaving a sigh of relief only after the theoretical requisite no of days has passed. Only to find myself starting on another cycle of waiting with bated breath as you come into contact with yet another sick person. I am crazy and paranoid, i know, but i simply cant help it.
Because of you, somedays when things get really crazy, i feel like giving up and throwing you both out the window. When you dont want to eat the nutritious food that i have painstakingly prepared for the umpteenth time, when you have been wailing non stop because you cant have your way, when you refuse to sleep and insist on me carrying your 8kg frame and bouncing up and down like a human "yao lan" WHILE your sister is screaming and kicking me in the shins because i refuse to give her sweets before bedtime; i wish i could turn back time and not have kids in the first place.
And yet because of you, every ache and every pain melts away when you lie beside me at night and tell me that you love me out of the blue.
Because of you, i am starting to see the world through your rose tinted eyes and marvel at how innocent and untainted a child can be.
Because of you, i am learning how to stretch my patience and have become more creative at parenting.
Because of you, im glad i made the choice to stay at home and witness every single one of your milestone. Every gummy smile, every new story that you tell me about your day in school is a priceless treasure to me.
Because of you, my heart is lifted whenever you are happy and i wish you could be happy all the time.
And because of you, i have come to see a different side of the man i married. The man helps me with you whenever he can and yes, although there are limits to his patience (he is a man after all...) but i am thankful for every bedtime story read, every bathtime sorted, every meal patiently fed when i am dead on my feet from exhaustion; when he could have been enjoying his sports channel after a hard day's work.
I am thankful for his thoughtfulness with little surprises like a spa treat when i feel like i cannot deal with you anymore and i am grateful for his willingness to labor on beside me in being a hands on parent.
And though because of you our bedroom has been usurped, our couple time has dwindled to almost zilch and our almost our entire day is being monopolised by a slew of relentless whinings, demands for attention, feeds, burps and diaper changes; it makes me miss our couple time and reminisce about the those lazy, hazy days when we had the whole weekend to ourselves and could jet off on a short holiday whenever we fancied.
But yes, because of you, i have grown to love your daddy more.
Having said all that, because of you, i am still glad i have kids.
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
Things will only get better
How many times have i heard that phrase being repeated to me the past 2 months. i have heard it so often that ive started using it as a lifeline to keep me sane when the going gets tough. And boy has the going been really tough in the weeks following Thane's arrival.
Firstly, my breastfeeding woes revisited.
I never have luck with breastfeeding; having suffered almost every single problem in the book during Terelle's time - Difficulty latching. Check. Engorgement. Check. Sore nipples. Check. Cracked nipples. Check. MASTITIS (breast infection). Check check check.
In the end, i ended up expressing milk round the clock for Terelle and i actually managed to do this for an entire year. But it was a chore and i really found those pumping sessions a complete waste of time.
With Thane, i had no difficulty latching him on, (everyone says its a male instinct, haha) but i had all the rest of the problems again. He was such a proficient sucker that my nipples started to bleed even while i was still in the hospital. And then because they were bleeding, the nurse told me to feed from the other breast, which led to the affected breast getting engorged. What a vicious cycle! It is no wonder so many women refuse to suffer the pain of breastfeeding! It is indeed a torture.
As usual hubby couldnt stand the sight of me suffering so again he told me to give it up. No way! I did this before and im sure i can do this again. But i feel breastfeeding (or at least the early days) is really more torturous than labor itself.
And then things spiralled even further downhill.
During my confinement with Terelle, i fell sick with high fever and chills twice due to mastitis. Similarly, i was sick again during my confinement with Thane, with a racking cough that just wouldnt go away.
And worst of all, Terelle caught a nasty bug that landed her in hospital with a chest infection for 4 days. She literally could not stop coughing; it was so bad it interferred with her appetite and sleep. I had to express milk while in the hospital and rush home at night to deliver it to my confinement aunty who would help me feed the baby. Thank God she was still around to help!
To compound our problems, the baby caught the bug from his sister. It was heartbreaking to see a one month old baby coughing relentlessly and puking each time the phlegm got stuck in his throat. Luckily my little trooper could still chug down full feeds, so even if some milk came out with his phlegm, he did not miss much.
The nightmare really started when, less than a week after Terelle recovered, she was down again with a bad flu. This time she had a fever so high she suffered from febrile fits. I had never witnessed a fit in my life and when it is happening to your own child, it is simply horrifying. I have read about febrile fits before and know that they are not dangerous, but still to watch your child having one is just terrible.
Terelle was having a high fever that day but she was still able to eat some cheese and bread with hubby watching her so i went to express milk in the room where the baby was confined in (to prevent him from catching the germs again) Hubby suddenly rushed in saying that something was wrong with Terelle. I scrambled out to find her with her eyes rolled upwards and puking all over hubby's shoulder. Her face was ghastly pale and her limbs were jerking wildly. Frantic, we rushed her under the shower and i quickly inserted a suppository. Hubby was so afraid we were losing her that he was crying.
Everything was so surreal and i vaguely remembered giving our details to the paramedics in the ambulance and packing a bag for hubby to take along to the hospital. The image of Terelle having a fit was so traumatic for me that i had nightmares about it for quite a long while afterwards.
Thankfully she was alright and didnt have to be warded, but it was hell nursing her back to health. Both hubby and i caught her germs too and at the height of our illness, all 3 of us were just lying around wishing we were dead. It was terrible having to nurse a sick kid AND take care of a newborn while being sick yourself. We had to monitor her fever round the clock and feed her medicine at 4hour intervals. If her fever spiked again, we panicked cos we couldnt risk another fit and worried ourselves sick till it came down again. Every single racking cough sent us into a frenzy and her incessant whining and pleading with us to make her feel better just broke our hearts.
To make matters worse, it was during this time that i had mastitis on top of the flu. When you're having chills and your whole body is aching from a high fever, and you have an excruciating lump in your breast the entire day, you really wish you were dead.
Thanks to all my friends who kept encouraging me by plying me with anecdotes about their similar experiences. It was these messages that kept me sane through those 10 horrible days. They were the ones who told me that things will only get better and that i should have faith.
However till today, i still blame myself for not having managed her fever better initially. If i had brought her fever down quickly by sponging her more, perhaps she wouldnt have suffered the fit. Never again for the rest of my life, do i want to witness a repeat of that awful scene of watching any of my kids having a fit while i am helpless to do anything about it.
Firstly, my breastfeeding woes revisited.
I never have luck with breastfeeding; having suffered almost every single problem in the book during Terelle's time - Difficulty latching. Check. Engorgement. Check. Sore nipples. Check. Cracked nipples. Check. MASTITIS (breast infection). Check check check.
In the end, i ended up expressing milk round the clock for Terelle and i actually managed to do this for an entire year. But it was a chore and i really found those pumping sessions a complete waste of time.
With Thane, i had no difficulty latching him on, (everyone says its a male instinct, haha) but i had all the rest of the problems again. He was such a proficient sucker that my nipples started to bleed even while i was still in the hospital. And then because they were bleeding, the nurse told me to feed from the other breast, which led to the affected breast getting engorged. What a vicious cycle! It is no wonder so many women refuse to suffer the pain of breastfeeding! It is indeed a torture.
As usual hubby couldnt stand the sight of me suffering so again he told me to give it up. No way! I did this before and im sure i can do this again. But i feel breastfeeding (or at least the early days) is really more torturous than labor itself.
And then things spiralled even further downhill.
During my confinement with Terelle, i fell sick with high fever and chills twice due to mastitis. Similarly, i was sick again during my confinement with Thane, with a racking cough that just wouldnt go away.
And worst of all, Terelle caught a nasty bug that landed her in hospital with a chest infection for 4 days. She literally could not stop coughing; it was so bad it interferred with her appetite and sleep. I had to express milk while in the hospital and rush home at night to deliver it to my confinement aunty who would help me feed the baby. Thank God she was still around to help!
To compound our problems, the baby caught the bug from his sister. It was heartbreaking to see a one month old baby coughing relentlessly and puking each time the phlegm got stuck in his throat. Luckily my little trooper could still chug down full feeds, so even if some milk came out with his phlegm, he did not miss much.
The nightmare really started when, less than a week after Terelle recovered, she was down again with a bad flu. This time she had a fever so high she suffered from febrile fits. I had never witnessed a fit in my life and when it is happening to your own child, it is simply horrifying. I have read about febrile fits before and know that they are not dangerous, but still to watch your child having one is just terrible.
Terelle was having a high fever that day but she was still able to eat some cheese and bread with hubby watching her so i went to express milk in the room where the baby was confined in (to prevent him from catching the germs again) Hubby suddenly rushed in saying that something was wrong with Terelle. I scrambled out to find her with her eyes rolled upwards and puking all over hubby's shoulder. Her face was ghastly pale and her limbs were jerking wildly. Frantic, we rushed her under the shower and i quickly inserted a suppository. Hubby was so afraid we were losing her that he was crying.
Everything was so surreal and i vaguely remembered giving our details to the paramedics in the ambulance and packing a bag for hubby to take along to the hospital. The image of Terelle having a fit was so traumatic for me that i had nightmares about it for quite a long while afterwards.
Thankfully she was alright and didnt have to be warded, but it was hell nursing her back to health. Both hubby and i caught her germs too and at the height of our illness, all 3 of us were just lying around wishing we were dead. It was terrible having to nurse a sick kid AND take care of a newborn while being sick yourself. We had to monitor her fever round the clock and feed her medicine at 4hour intervals. If her fever spiked again, we panicked cos we couldnt risk another fit and worried ourselves sick till it came down again. Every single racking cough sent us into a frenzy and her incessant whining and pleading with us to make her feel better just broke our hearts.
To make matters worse, it was during this time that i had mastitis on top of the flu. When you're having chills and your whole body is aching from a high fever, and you have an excruciating lump in your breast the entire day, you really wish you were dead.
Thanks to all my friends who kept encouraging me by plying me with anecdotes about their similar experiences. It was these messages that kept me sane through those 10 horrible days. They were the ones who told me that things will only get better and that i should have faith.
However till today, i still blame myself for not having managed her fever better initially. If i had brought her fever down quickly by sponging her more, perhaps she wouldnt have suffered the fit. Never again for the rest of my life, do i want to witness a repeat of that awful scene of watching any of my kids having a fit while i am helpless to do anything about it.
On hindsight, i thank god for small mercies like the baby remaining healthy despite all of us being so sick. Things could have been worse, if he caught the bug too and had to be admitted. Thank god for hubby too, who slept with Terelle the whole time and patiently took her temperature and administered her medication without a single complaint, while being very sick himself. Hubby was at home for such a long time and was such a great help to me that when he finally went back to the office, i felt bereft for some time and wondered how i would be able to cope alone.
Its been 2 months since and things have really gotten better. Terelle has been healthy so far, though her lungs have suffered from those 2 nasty infections. Her doctor tells me that she has to be on medication to help her suppress another flare up of that wheezing episode. The medication makes her drowsy and cranky sometimes but i can live with that, as long as she doesnt fall so sick again.
And as for Thane, just when i thought i would never have unbroken sleep for the rest of my life, he started sleeping through the night without me having to do anything about it. And yes, there is a price to pay; he hardly sleeps in the day and i have to constantly carry him or he'll scream himself hoarse, but he gives me peace from 8pm till 7am the next morning...and that is more than i can ask for.
And breastfeeding is a breeze right now. Apart from my little sumo sometimes insisting that i carry AND nurse him at the same time; feeding him is like second nature to me now, even though im suffering from a chronic back ache from his weight. And i am secretly proud that i am that 1% of mothers in Singapore who totally breastfeed beyond 6mths. Ive done it with Terelle and im sure i can do it again with Thane.
Terelle was acting up and kept demanding our attention in the early days immediately following Thane's birth but now she is taking to her role as the big sister marvelously. She absolutely adores her baby brother and is fiercely protective over him. She sings to him and pats him when he cant sleep, tells him stories and makes funny faces to make him laugh and showers him with incessant hugs and kisses. And when passers-by tease her saying that they want to take her baby home, she yells at them to back off and stands over him protectively.
Things could have been worse with her being jealous of her brother but she is not in the least perturbed when i have to deal with him the whole day. So despite her tantrums and demands and generally being a terrible 3 tot (that will deserve another post), every night i thank god for my tough girl and pray in my heart of hearts that my kids will grow up to be real close emotionally.
I am keeping my fingers crossed that things will continue on the uptrend. And to all mummies who find that you are struggling with whatever problems plauging your kids right now, take heart...things WILL only get better.
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