Strike Day 4

730am: Thane was awake and wailing his lungs out. I hurriedly carried him outside as Terelle was stirring. I didnt want her to wake so early as she would be tired and cranky by the time she had to go to school.

Hubby had to rush off to work and i quickly warmed up some milk for my helper to feed Thane. At that moment, Terelle walked into the living room. My heart sank...i couldnt face the prospect of entertaining her till the time she had to go to school and deal with Thane at the same time.


I begged her to go back to the room and sleep some more. She refused. I started to cry and begged her again to go to the room. She started to cry too. Hubby saw the drama unfolding and let out a sigh of despair.

In the end, with tears streaming down my face, i carried Terelle back to the room and set her down on the bed. I asked her if she wanted some milk and she said yes. After she finished her milk, i laid beside her and she quietly told me "Mummy dont be sad, ill sleep some more ok?"

With that, she started to smell her beloved blankie and closed her eyes.

I started to cry again. I could hardly believe that my little girl was so matured about this. She could actually empatise with what i was going through and didnt want to add to my misery. I thanked God for my little blessing.

Just before Terelle left for school, Thane smacked an entire bowl of milk onto the floor in his rage at being spoon fed. I was devastated as i watched my precious milk spilt on the floor instead of ending up in his tummy and yet i was helpless to do anything about it.

It was comforting to have hubby home yesterday but i knew i had to get through the days myself from now on. When Terelle went off to school, i took Thane into the room, closed the door, turned on the worship cd again and spent the next hour skin to skin with him. It worked, and he lay contentedly on my chest, listening to the music with his eyes wide open and he didnt cry one bit.

Encouraged, i tried offering him the breast again when the entired cd finished playing. Sadly, he started to push me away again. Dejected and thoroughly discouraged, i started to cry again. Inwardly i was telling myself, perhaps i was being too impatient. Perhaps i should give him more time.

While Terelle was napping, I spent more skin to skin time with Thane with the same music playing in the background. He fell asleep on my chest and i put him down next to Terelle and fell asleep myself.

When i awoke, hubby was home with a dozen donuts to cheer me up. Only he understood me best and knew that i needed food, sweet ones at that, to keep my spirits up. I had already gone through 2 packets of chocolates that day. I thanked God again for my other blessing in my life.

After dinner, hubby took out his guitar and song book and we spent the next hour singing some of our favourite worship songs. Terelle even tried to mimic Daddy by strumming her toy guitar with one of his picks. Thane sat in my lap and quietly observed us. He seemed strangely calm and didnt move much as he listened to our singing.

When it came to bedtime, Thane fell asleep in hubby's arms again, all the while listening to the cd. However, Terelle was talking rather loudly and woke him up an hour later and he started bawling again. I quickly started to heat up some milk for him but when i returned to the room, hubby had already put him down on the bed and he was fast asleep.

My tears started to flow again as i clutched that precious bowl of undrunk milk. My supply had been greatly affected by the events of the past few days and my breasts were sore from being unaccustomed to the harsh pumping action of the pump, so every drop that i managed to squeeze out was so precious. And there was this entire bowl of milk that wasnt going to go into Thane's system! I just couldnt bear the thought of that.

Hubby sat on the floor beside me and told me to let go and let God. He said that maybe if i finally could stop blaming myself and let go, my supply would return and God would make things right. Deep down in my heart i knew he was right, it was really up to me to stop trying to control everything. I washed my face and went to bed.

To my utmost surprise, Thane slept through the night.

When i groggily reached for my clock in the morning, i half expected it to be 3am. It was actually already 730am and he was still fast alseep. I was so happy i couldnt go back to sleep myself.