Sometimes late at night
I lie awake and watch her sleeping
She's lost in peaceful dreams and i turn out the lights and lay there in the dark
And a thought crosses my mind
If i never wake in the morning
Would she ever doubt the way i feel about her in my heart
If tomorrow never comes
Would she know how much i love her
Did i try in every way to show her everyday
She's my only one
And if my time on earth were through
And she must face this world without me
Is the love i gave her in the past gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes
My best friend made me watch a youtube video of a talented singer crooning this ballad today. This song never fails to leave me with a lump in my throat.
And even though you have made me so incensed yet again throughout the day, with your constant whining, refusal to obey instructions and general mischief, tonight i will hug you a little tighter, give you a few more kisses and vow to be more tolerant, patient and indulgent towards your antics tomorrow.
To my special firstborn, i hope you know that no matter what, Mummy loves you, more than you can ever imagine.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Monday, August 10, 2009
Toxicity
These feelings are usually easy to write it off but today not so much.
I just HAVE to write about what happened today cos im just sooooo pissed, and i need to get it off my chest.
Are you a happy, optimistic, positive person by nature but when you're around a certain individual, you feel depressed, pessimistic and negative?
Or maybe you're an idealistic person who sees the world through rose tinted glasses, but some people just make you feel silly and delusional?
Has someone consistenly thrashed all your well intentions, not spared a thought for your feelings and yet leave you feeling guilty that somehow you hadnt tried hard enough?
These people ooze toxicity.
These people have 'issues' that are toxic.
They are toxic to our happiness.
They are toxic to our mental health.
They are toxic to our self-esteem.
And they are toxic to our lives.
They can suck the life out of us and even shorten our lifespan.
I know this is happening to me because of a certain someone and yet i am powerless to defend myself.
My certain someone has an extreme sense of self-importance and believes that the world revolves around him/her.
(I shant be so overt about this. Lets just call the person X for ease of writing.)
Many a time the people around X want to shout "It isn't always about you!" , yet we always bite our tongues and get on with it to avoid conflict.
X is so utterly focused on his/her needs, our needs are totally ignored.
If you do not do just as X wishes, you are in for a big guilt trip, and are often left feeling upset, disappointed and unfulfilled.
And so to avoid feeling like crap, you abide by X's commands even when you have to expend so much energy on him/her, you have nothing left for yourself.
X is never encouraging, affirmative or upbeat.
When you say you've tried your best, he/she doubts your efforts and belittles any struggles you had to go through for him/her.
His/her negativity is infectious. It consumes you and you find yourself feeling melancholic and depressed just cos he/she is feeling that way.
I can never give enough to make X happy.
He/she takes me for granted, always has unrealistic expectations of me, finds ways to continually fault me and never takes responsibility for anything.
Everything is always someone else's fault and never his/hers.
All of us spend so much time and effort trying to please him/her .
Why do we even bother when none of our efforts are ever appreciated?
All of us are worn out, our own needs are always sacrificed and yet we keep making the same mistake and going back for more "torture".
This person is so self absorbed, he/she doesnt see that what he/she is doing is wrong.
Talking and explaining my actions to him/her falls on deaf ears, and sometimes i wonder if i am the crazy one.
Hubby is at his wits' end seeing me get all worked up by X all the time. He stresses that the more these people get away with their behavior, the more they will continue.
I know that but yet i cant bring myself to take a confrontation to cataclysmic levels because i am afraid of the consequences.
I know life is too short to be dealing with such toxicity all the time.
I must learn to turn a deaf ear and blind eye to this peson's rants and demands.
I must learn that ive tried my best and it is not my fault.
And i must learn to hide my chocolates properly.
I just HAVE to write about what happened today cos im just sooooo pissed, and i need to get it off my chest.
Are you a happy, optimistic, positive person by nature but when you're around a certain individual, you feel depressed, pessimistic and negative?
Or maybe you're an idealistic person who sees the world through rose tinted glasses, but some people just make you feel silly and delusional?
Has someone consistenly thrashed all your well intentions, not spared a thought for your feelings and yet leave you feeling guilty that somehow you hadnt tried hard enough?
These people ooze toxicity.
These people have 'issues' that are toxic.
They are toxic to our happiness.
They are toxic to our mental health.
They are toxic to our self-esteem.
And they are toxic to our lives.
They can suck the life out of us and even shorten our lifespan.
I know this is happening to me because of a certain someone and yet i am powerless to defend myself.
My certain someone has an extreme sense of self-importance and believes that the world revolves around him/her.
(I shant be so overt about this. Lets just call the person X for ease of writing.)
Many a time the people around X want to shout "It isn't always about you!" , yet we always bite our tongues and get on with it to avoid conflict.
X is so utterly focused on his/her needs, our needs are totally ignored.
If you do not do just as X wishes, you are in for a big guilt trip, and are often left feeling upset, disappointed and unfulfilled.
And so to avoid feeling like crap, you abide by X's commands even when you have to expend so much energy on him/her, you have nothing left for yourself.
X is never encouraging, affirmative or upbeat.
When you say you've tried your best, he/she doubts your efforts and belittles any struggles you had to go through for him/her.
His/her negativity is infectious. It consumes you and you find yourself feeling melancholic and depressed just cos he/she is feeling that way.
I can never give enough to make X happy.
He/she takes me for granted, always has unrealistic expectations of me, finds ways to continually fault me and never takes responsibility for anything.
Everything is always someone else's fault and never his/hers.
All of us spend so much time and effort trying to please him/her .
Why do we even bother when none of our efforts are ever appreciated?
All of us are worn out, our own needs are always sacrificed and yet we keep making the same mistake and going back for more "torture".
This person is so self absorbed, he/she doesnt see that what he/she is doing is wrong.
Talking and explaining my actions to him/her falls on deaf ears, and sometimes i wonder if i am the crazy one.
Hubby is at his wits' end seeing me get all worked up by X all the time. He stresses that the more these people get away with their behavior, the more they will continue.
I know that but yet i cant bring myself to take a confrontation to cataclysmic levels because i am afraid of the consequences.
I know life is too short to be dealing with such toxicity all the time.
I must learn to turn a deaf ear and blind eye to this peson's rants and demands.
I must learn that ive tried my best and it is not my fault.
And i must learn to hide my chocolates properly.
Friday, August 07, 2009
The big 20
Thane turns 20 months old today.
Physically he can:
Chew chunky food! Yay finally! He has almost his entire set of baby teeth, save for his 2 lower incisors.
Hold his own in the water. He is fearless in the water which is sooooo unlike Terelle who used to scream murder whenever her face got wet.
Throw and catch a ball effortlessly.
Play catching with his sister.
Climb the stairs by himself, holding onto the railings at the side.
(But he never dares go up or down the stairs by himself. He used to attempt to, but each time he does, he would meet with a barrage of loud, sharp words. So i think he's learnt that the stairs are dangerous.)
Blow out through his mouth. A nifty developmental skill that Terelle only picked up later.
Copy a couple of dance moves. The kids are especially adept at dancing along to Michael Jackson MTVS. They have been well and truly exposed to the late King of Pop.
When they are not fighting, he loves imitating his sister. Here he is trailing along in her wake, whistling, marching and saluting just like her.
Intellectually he can:
Recognize all the uppercase letters of the alphabets. Lower case letters still need a little prompting.
Knows the sounds of all the letters of the alphabet.
(Thanks to Leapfrog's Talking Letter Factory DVD)
Can count items from 1-10, any more his counting goes wonky.
Can segregate different sections of a picture, i.e. for example the beach scene below, he has colored the sun yellow, the crab and starfish red, the trees green, the sea blue, but all of cos not inside the lines.
But i think its a great effort!
Indicate what he wants by saying "I want!" whenever we have something in hand that he likes.
Right now gastronomically, he is starting to be very adventurous and will go "I want!" and insist on trying whatever we are having at mealtimes.
He has even managed small nibbles of mee rebus and rendang without flinching.
Tell our helper whenever he wants to drink milk - "Drink Milk!".
(Oh ive started him on formula - NanPro3 cos its supposedly most similar to breastmilk)
However he hates sucking from the teat, preferring to drink from his water bottle, from a straw.
Say "Go Gai Gai!", grab his shoes and go stand by the gate at least once a day. He simply loves to go out!
Sing along to all of Jie Jie's favourite songs. Rhythm is there but words not so clear. For those songs he's not so sure of, he can sing the last word of each verse.
Emotionally:
He's still very much mama's little baby. Loves to be cuddled and hugged and will hug, kiss, sayang any of us when asked.
Much more "manja" than Terelle ever was!
I think its all because im still breastfeeding him.
Clings to us, or more specifically me, like superglue whenever in a new place and faced with strangers. Will warm up and start to explore his surroundings after awhile. The period of time taken to warm up significantly shortens when i am not in sight.
Did i mention he's mama's little boy?
He is adding new antics to his ever expanding repertoir everyday and i am eager to see what he can achieve next!
Im so proud of you baby!
Physically he can:
Chew chunky food! Yay finally! He has almost his entire set of baby teeth, save for his 2 lower incisors.
Hold his own in the water. He is fearless in the water which is sooooo unlike Terelle who used to scream murder whenever her face got wet.
Throw and catch a ball effortlessly.
Play catching with his sister.
Climb the stairs by himself, holding onto the railings at the side.
(But he never dares go up or down the stairs by himself. He used to attempt to, but each time he does, he would meet with a barrage of loud, sharp words. So i think he's learnt that the stairs are dangerous.)
Blow out through his mouth. A nifty developmental skill that Terelle only picked up later.
Copy a couple of dance moves. The kids are especially adept at dancing along to Michael Jackson MTVS. They have been well and truly exposed to the late King of Pop.
When they are not fighting, he loves imitating his sister. Here he is trailing along in her wake, whistling, marching and saluting just like her.
Intellectually he can:
Recognize all the uppercase letters of the alphabets. Lower case letters still need a little prompting.
Knows the sounds of all the letters of the alphabet.
(Thanks to Leapfrog's Talking Letter Factory DVD)
Can count items from 1-10, any more his counting goes wonky.
Can segregate different sections of a picture, i.e. for example the beach scene below, he has colored the sun yellow, the crab and starfish red, the trees green, the sea blue, but all of cos not inside the lines.
But i think its a great effort!
Verbally he can:
Indicate what he wants by saying "I want!" whenever we have something in hand that he likes.
Right now gastronomically, he is starting to be very adventurous and will go "I want!" and insist on trying whatever we are having at mealtimes.
He has even managed small nibbles of mee rebus and rendang without flinching.
Tell our helper whenever he wants to drink milk - "Drink Milk!".
(Oh ive started him on formula - NanPro3 cos its supposedly most similar to breastmilk)
However he hates sucking from the teat, preferring to drink from his water bottle, from a straw.
Say "Go Gai Gai!", grab his shoes and go stand by the gate at least once a day. He simply loves to go out!
Sing along to all of Jie Jie's favourite songs. Rhythm is there but words not so clear. For those songs he's not so sure of, he can sing the last word of each verse.
Emotionally:
He's still very much mama's little baby. Loves to be cuddled and hugged and will hug, kiss, sayang any of us when asked.
Much more "manja" than Terelle ever was!
I think its all because im still breastfeeding him.
Clings to us, or more specifically me, like superglue whenever in a new place and faced with strangers. Will warm up and start to explore his surroundings after awhile. The period of time taken to warm up significantly shortens when i am not in sight.
Did i mention he's mama's little boy?
He is adding new antics to his ever expanding repertoir everyday and i am eager to see what he can achieve next!
Im so proud of you baby!
Wednesday, August 05, 2009
Sibling Interaction at its best
Scenario: They are both watching starfall. The letter L, which is Terelle's choice, is currently being played but Thane wants to watch the letter N.
Thane: N!
Terelle: Later
Thane: Nnn!
Terelle: Later!
Thane: Nnnnn!
Terelle: LATER!!
Thane: Nnnnn!! (He is so getting a kick out of riling his sister up)
Terelle: LATER!!! Can you hurry up! (Referring to the website loading very slowly)
Thane: Nnnnnn!
Terelle: Can you hurry up and see!!! (Telling Thane to finish watching L 1st) WAIT PATIENTLY!!
* Thane smacks her lightly in retaliation to her pinching his cheeks*
Terelle: (Looking at me and expecting a response)
*Resigned and feeling unjustified* He beat me!
*Reproachful* Naughty boy! Dont play with you!
No matter how many times i watch this video, it still leaves me in stitches.
Monday, August 03, 2009
Gong Gong is...
We were in the car and Terelle was commenting that Baby was a good boy cos he didnt want to nurse for once and sat quietly in his car seat.
T: Baby is a good boy!
Me: And what about you?
T: Me? Im a good girl
M: And mummy?
T: Mummy is a good girl
M: Daddy?
T: Daddy is a good boy
M: What about YiYi?
T: Yiyi is a good girl
M: And Gong Gong?
T: *slight pause* Gong Gong is a good old man!
T: Baby is a good boy!
Me: And what about you?
T: Me? Im a good girl
M: And mummy?
T: Mummy is a good girl
M: Daddy?
T: Daddy is a good boy
M: What about YiYi?
T: Yiyi is a good girl
M: And Gong Gong?
T: *slight pause* Gong Gong is a good old man!
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