Yup one of those cryptic statuses that drive people nuts trying to decipher.
Lest people start detesting me for being one of those sympathy eliciting irritants on Facebook, allow me to explain.
With the expiration of my marriage, i was handed 5 grenades which i have to constantly keep up in the air.
My kids.
Work.
Friends (family included).
Dating.
Exercise.
They are timed to diffuse spontaneously sometime in the future. But i have to keep them off the ground right now. Let a single one drop and it blows up in my face.
But ive learnt that strangely, i am intrinsically equipped with the skills and tenacity to juggle all 5.
On good days, when im on a roll, all 5 grenades are up in the air. There's an easy momentum to things and not much effort is required to keep them rotating gracefully. Nothing to it. I breathe easy and touch each grenade lightly as it flits past my fingers. I marvel at them twirling in the air.
My children are happy, well behaved and doing well on all counts. We have great fun together and i manage to engage them meaningfully. They get mummy (and daddy) rolled into me.
The work front is good. Events at school are run without a hitch. We get more referrals, our reputation grows. Everything flows smoothly.
Hey i can do this! All i have to do is keep the grenades whirring in the air, far off the ground.
My social life is buzzing with activities. I hang out with girlfriends, have supper with hall mates, have impromptu picnics, go drinking, karaoke, catch movies, hunt down live bands...im having loads of fun and doing all the madcap things that i love doing.
My dating life is a blur of happy moments. Is there some glimmer of hope that i see on some kind of potential future?
Im positively glowing from all the exercise im getting in. Yoga three times a week, runs every three days, tee shirt drenching badminton games, monthly races.
I feel like i can juggle these grenades forever. Ive gotten the hang of it!
Grasp, twirl, flick, grasp, twirl, flick.
I dont think, i just do.
Easy peasy.
And suddenly, i get a crick in my arm. My wrist is sore and my fingers bevome clammy and unsteady.
I still keep the grenades in the air but the easy grace is gone.
One almost crashes to the ground.
I struggle to regain momentum.
Darn, why did i throw that one so far out i had to stumble forwards to catch it again?!
I think about the grenades. One day they will be diffused and i can finally set them down on the ground but right now, the timer on their tickers still show a long way away.
And so i continue to juggle.
My daughter does well at school. My son graduates from preschool. I achieve my personal best timing in a race. I made peace with my family. I meet new people and have interesting, new experiences. I look good, feel good and think maybe i can still have it all.
But a grenade almost hits the ground.
Shaken, i restart the twirling, albeit s little slower this time. And with a greater deal of uncertainty.
My fingers are cold and clammy. What if i really drop one?
I am nervous and upset at my inability to focus.
Something has gone wrong at school. Staff issues, parents are unhappy.
My kids exhibit behavior that is out of sync with their normal dispositions.
The person im seeing disappoints me.
My friends are all basking in their own cocoons of happiness to bother much about me.
These issues are real. They crop up on me, more often than not.
Almost reflexively, i catch hold of the dating grenade and set it down gingerly. Please dont blow up in my face i silently implore it. The peace of mind that immediately comes from not having to think about the idiocyncracies and needs of another person lets me find balance once more. Cupid has as much credibility as the Tooth Fairy anyway, seriously.
I juggle 4 grenades now, keeping one vigilant eye on the one on the ground.
Now dropping my dates didnt seem to do the trick. In fact the whole juggling act is now out of whack. I cant find the rhythm anymore. If i dont set down more grenades, they are all going to fall and blow me apart.
Hey but maybe if i throw the grenades far enough, i wouldnt be harmed by the fall out. That seems like a good option...
But while i ponder about throwing the grenades far away or continue trying to juggle them, everything falls apart. Nothing goes right at school. Im constantly on my fone with work while im with my kids. Our relationship suffers. My friends are upset with me for not heeding their advice and always trying their patience. I am a snivelling, complete mess.
And so i make a choice. Im throw my dating, friends and exercise grenades as far away from me as i can, keeping just work and my kids up in the air. I vow that i will never ever let these two come crashing to the ground.
The discarded grenades blow up a distance away but im still here, with my two grenades still up in the air, unscathed and just that little bit worse for wear.
And yet after some rest and regrouping, I am handed 3 new grenades with reset timers. And with renewed energy and vigor, i start juggling all 5 again, hoping for the day their timers run out and i can finally set all of them on the ground, resting my exhausted arms.
Am i doomed to juggle these grenades for the unforseeable future?
Sometimes I really wish i was just juggling rubber balls instead.
