A dear friend was miserable today because she had inadvertently caused her daughter to suffer the pain of a bloodied, cracked fingernail. She was racked with guilt as she blamed herself for her girl's plight. She called herself a careless, bad, clumsy, terrible mummy and was inconsolable each time she saw the injury.
What is it about motherhood that reduces strong, self assured women to sobbing wrecks when their defenceless little offspring are in pain?
I emphatise with her completely and i totally understand the immense pain and guilt she is going through. I remember the time when Terelle got scalded by hot macaroni. My mistake was to take my eyes off her for just one second and in that instant, she grabbed the flask and poured the contents all over herself. Never in my entire lifetime will i forget her blood curdling scream and the absolute anguish in her eyes as the searing heat reduced her tender flesh to a soggy mess. Or the way she tried in vain to beseech me to give her comfort and take away the pain and all i could do was look on helplessly. I felt like such a hypocrite when it was actually me, her supposedly unwavering rock, who had inadvertently caused her such pain and misery. No amount of consoling could assuage my guilt and even till today, after the wound has healed and the scars have faded, i still blame myself for having let my poor baby suffer.
And it sure doesnt help when people we meet everyday (even toilet cleaning aunties!) ask about the scars on her leg and make tsk tsk noises about how careless i was. As if i need reminding?!
Evolution is the natural progression or maturation towards better adaptation; so till the day we grow eyes at the back of our head, have 8 retractable arms, can function at 100% even without any sleep and develop superman lightning reflexes, we are only human and we make mistakes. We have all been a careless, bad, clumsy, terrible mummy some time or the other.
So cheer up dear...our babes know that even with all our shortcomings, we love them unconditionally and will do all we can to protect them. And that is all that matters isnt it?
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Sunday, June 25, 2006
Mortality
Our day started as per normal with my lazy girl waking up at 11am. She does that sometimes, espcially when it is rainy or when she had gone to bed later than usual the night before. I made her milk, gave her the bottle and went out of the room to pack her stuff for the day.
5minutes later, the bottle was drained and lying by her side and she had nodded off to sleep again. Silently berating her for leaving milk stains on the bedsheets, i quickly proceeded to change her diaper and clothes. I carried her out into the living room, plonked her down in the middle of her toys, and expected her to play with them while i did some last minute primping.
To my amusement, when i was finally ready to leave the house, she was lying prostrate on the ground, fast asleep admidst all her toys. I remember fast forwarding 6years to when she would be going to school and thinking it will be one hellaluva tussle getting her awake and out of the house.
Not once did the thought cross my mind that my precious baby was sick. I even called hubby to laugh about her being an absolute sloth on the living room floor.
She was unconventionally quiet and withdrawn in her shichida class today. Not a single peep was heard out of her even when the teacher played her favourite songs or took out the most interesting toys. My usually bubbly and energetic girl was replaced by a glassy eyed, lethargic and dazed child, who even fell asleep while listening to the most lively songs! At that moment, i finally sensed that something might be wrong.
She refused to let anyone touch her; my inquisitive and sociable baby screamed murder when some older kids came over to her and tried to take Barney away, when usually she will offer him to anyone selflessly. Something was amiss, but i had no idea what.
By then it was 2pm in the afternoon. All the clinics were closed till evening time. Slightly frantic now, i quickly drove to hubby's office to seek some solace and reassurance. He is the perfect foil to my frenetic self, and can always downplay my frenzied nerves and worries.
Not today though...he took one look at his daughter and i saw genuine worry flash across his features for once. By then she had been drowsy for the past 5hours, oblivious even when we tried to call her name and shake her awake.
The next few hours were a blur as we went back home to wait for her usual paediatrician to reopen, getting increasingly worried as she continued to sleep the afternoon away and finally making the decision to take her to hospital. I noticed that her stomach was terribly distended in the car and thoughts of ruptured intestines and internal bleeding crept into my mind. It was the longest 20min ride ever.
Fortunately or should i say unfortunately, we did not have to wait long in the emergency room as the triage nurse deemed her symptoms severe enough to be seen by a doctor immediately. My worst fears were unfounded when the doctor made his cursory examination and declared that she was suffering from a simple case of viral gastroenteritis. My sympathies went out to him though, cos while examining my dear daughter's posterior region, she chose at that very moment to let loose an extremely pungent and messy poo all over his arms. The good doctor recoiled in horror, and it took all of our restraint not to laugh as we apologised profusely.
Terelle had to be admitted to be monitored, as the doctor was concerned about her lethargy and distended tummy and hubby went home to get our necessities. The nightmare intensified at 10pm when he returned and promptly rushed to the toilet to retch and throw up. The bug had got to him too.
We struggled for a couple of hours, as hubby was reluctant to leave us alone in the hospital. In the end, after doing the merlion in the toilet bowl for the upteenth time, he decided to call for help and go to a 24 hr clinic.
2am: As i sat alone in the grim and stark hospital room staring at my baby, looking all helpless and tiny in the cold metal cot, I thought really hard about mortality. I remembered being pregnant and getting asked if we wanted a boy or a girl, and i nodded sagely and told them that i didnt care, just for the baby to be healthy. In retrospect, those words then seemed so half hearted! I finally understood what it means to a parent for their child to be healthy and normal. And if i have always shown a propensity for the melodramatic and morbid (hubby are u reading this?), it is because i have finally realized that i truly appreciate what i have in my baby girl.
I watched her chest rise and fall with every breath, and i was just thankful that she was alive. In the wee hours of the morning, all my pride at her intellectual achievements just evaporated as i prayed for my energetic and bubbly girl to be back to her normal self. Forget IQ scores and temperament, i just wanted my little girl back in the pink of health.
I am thankful for many humbling lessons that she teaches me each day. i now truly understand the meaning of mercy and a parent's deep gratitude at the simplest of things. And most importantly i have begun to understand the meaning of life over and above our vain pursuits.
It has been a taxing month but the dark clouds will pass. As a dear friend has advised, focus on positive thoughts as negative thoughts will only attract more negativity. I am looking up now and i am determined to appreciate the present, for tomorrow will bring with it another whole load of surprises.
5minutes later, the bottle was drained and lying by her side and she had nodded off to sleep again. Silently berating her for leaving milk stains on the bedsheets, i quickly proceeded to change her diaper and clothes. I carried her out into the living room, plonked her down in the middle of her toys, and expected her to play with them while i did some last minute primping.
To my amusement, when i was finally ready to leave the house, she was lying prostrate on the ground, fast asleep admidst all her toys. I remember fast forwarding 6years to when she would be going to school and thinking it will be one hellaluva tussle getting her awake and out of the house.
Not once did the thought cross my mind that my precious baby was sick. I even called hubby to laugh about her being an absolute sloth on the living room floor.
She was unconventionally quiet and withdrawn in her shichida class today. Not a single peep was heard out of her even when the teacher played her favourite songs or took out the most interesting toys. My usually bubbly and energetic girl was replaced by a glassy eyed, lethargic and dazed child, who even fell asleep while listening to the most lively songs! At that moment, i finally sensed that something might be wrong.
She refused to let anyone touch her; my inquisitive and sociable baby screamed murder when some older kids came over to her and tried to take Barney away, when usually she will offer him to anyone selflessly. Something was amiss, but i had no idea what.
By then it was 2pm in the afternoon. All the clinics were closed till evening time. Slightly frantic now, i quickly drove to hubby's office to seek some solace and reassurance. He is the perfect foil to my frenetic self, and can always downplay my frenzied nerves and worries.
Not today though...he took one look at his daughter and i saw genuine worry flash across his features for once. By then she had been drowsy for the past 5hours, oblivious even when we tried to call her name and shake her awake.
The next few hours were a blur as we went back home to wait for her usual paediatrician to reopen, getting increasingly worried as she continued to sleep the afternoon away and finally making the decision to take her to hospital. I noticed that her stomach was terribly distended in the car and thoughts of ruptured intestines and internal bleeding crept into my mind. It was the longest 20min ride ever.
Fortunately or should i say unfortunately, we did not have to wait long in the emergency room as the triage nurse deemed her symptoms severe enough to be seen by a doctor immediately. My worst fears were unfounded when the doctor made his cursory examination and declared that she was suffering from a simple case of viral gastroenteritis. My sympathies went out to him though, cos while examining my dear daughter's posterior region, she chose at that very moment to let loose an extremely pungent and messy poo all over his arms. The good doctor recoiled in horror, and it took all of our restraint not to laugh as we apologised profusely.
Terelle had to be admitted to be monitored, as the doctor was concerned about her lethargy and distended tummy and hubby went home to get our necessities. The nightmare intensified at 10pm when he returned and promptly rushed to the toilet to retch and throw up. The bug had got to him too.
We struggled for a couple of hours, as hubby was reluctant to leave us alone in the hospital. In the end, after doing the merlion in the toilet bowl for the upteenth time, he decided to call for help and go to a 24 hr clinic.
2am: As i sat alone in the grim and stark hospital room staring at my baby, looking all helpless and tiny in the cold metal cot, I thought really hard about mortality. I remembered being pregnant and getting asked if we wanted a boy or a girl, and i nodded sagely and told them that i didnt care, just for the baby to be healthy. In retrospect, those words then seemed so half hearted! I finally understood what it means to a parent for their child to be healthy and normal. And if i have always shown a propensity for the melodramatic and morbid (hubby are u reading this?), it is because i have finally realized that i truly appreciate what i have in my baby girl.
I watched her chest rise and fall with every breath, and i was just thankful that she was alive. In the wee hours of the morning, all my pride at her intellectual achievements just evaporated as i prayed for my energetic and bubbly girl to be back to her normal self. Forget IQ scores and temperament, i just wanted my little girl back in the pink of health.
I am thankful for many humbling lessons that she teaches me each day. i now truly understand the meaning of mercy and a parent's deep gratitude at the simplest of things. And most importantly i have begun to understand the meaning of life over and above our vain pursuits.
It has been a taxing month but the dark clouds will pass. As a dear friend has advised, focus on positive thoughts as negative thoughts will only attract more negativity. I am looking up now and i am determined to appreciate the present, for tomorrow will bring with it another whole load of surprises.
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