Letting go

I have a wound and it seems to have been on my skin forever. It used to bleed profusely and caused me much anguish. It has since healed over but the healing process has taken such a long time that I do not even notice its presence when I accidentally brush against it occasionally. I scratch at it sometimes, out of boredom and curiosity, but the drop or two of blood that oozes out hardly makes me flinch.

I am letting someone go.

This person is my wound that has healed over, a wound that will never quite become a scar, but yet will always be part of me.

I have to do this necessary act of self-preservation, before I can expect to properly move forward in life. And to me, this act of letting go seems as if its almost some kind of victory.

I have been embroiled in an emotional fog that has blanketed me for the longest time, a state of despair and disorientation that has prevented me from being aware of just how hopeless the situation has become.

Well meaning friends have been nagging that I should really wake up and do the right thing by myself, and that life can go on even if this person is no longer going to be a major part of it. Yet I stubbornly chose to not heed their well intended advice and continued to trudge down a despondent path, chasing an irredeemable dream; each step becoming more and more disheartening.

I do not know exactly when was the exact moment that something clicked inside my head. It was definitely not as though i simply woke up one day and felt totally fine and happy.

I guess I simply started to forget, feeling the acute pain of the futility of my longing less and less as each day went by.

I think there will come a day when it wouldn't even hurt at all anymore, and I'll probably not notice it too, because I have now willed myself to think about and focus my energy on other things.

I have decided to let everything go in order to remove the turmoil that this person has wielded from his place of power for so long. Because if I pick and choose memories, they will just bleed into one another, spiralling into an uncontrollable series of flashbacks.

I cannot simply think about the time the two of us sat on the beach talking for an entire night, or the time we spent together during our school days, or how we supported each other when we were down and out. Because if I allow myself to think about any singular memory, it will not only start to remind me of all the other good times but also of all the promises made and ultimately broken. 

We had an entire story, and  in order to let go, I cannot and will not choose the memories that i want to isolate for nostalgia. Perhaps one day I can think about each memory in isolation but till then, I am choosing to simply wipe my slate clean.

I have stopped caring about what that person is thinking about or doing at this very moment, or obsessing over whether a "Like" or not on Facebook means anything more than it should,  or thinking about what I could have done differently to make that person choose to stay by my side. I am letting go of everything about this relationship that means something to me, because life can be just as good, just as beautiful, without this person in it.

I have written before that I don't want to learn not to feel. I remember emphasizing that if i dont feel,  ill forget how much i cared. But this time I have to stop feeling.


And some days, I catch myself thinking; I guess this person has no effect on me any longer, and probably vice versa, and it feels very much like a small death. Ironically at the same time, I feel the certain kind of relief and freedom that comes from not having to second guess and be chronically disappointed ever again.

I am letting someone go.

And this time it is for good.

No more regrets.

No more looking back.

 

Everything ok?

I always get sentimental at the close of a year and this year i am particularly so. It has been just that little bit scary and lonely as i tried to find a balance on my own. On a scale of one to ten on how well ive coped this year, I guess I passed. 

But anyhow, life's full of hits and misses and I'm thankful for all the adrenaline filled and warm fuzzy hits of 2013.

On family, friends and life...

 It was a humbling experience volunteering with underprivileged kids in Vietnam this year. Their cheerfulness and content despite their limited comforts made all that we take for granted back home excessive. I made some awesome, selfless friends in the process and ill work alongside them again in a heartbeat on more projects this year.

I backpacked in Sri Lanka with my best friend and it was the most unforgettable experience of my life. We did all everything unconventional; from going out to sea with fishermen, to chatting up locals on board third class...we had experiences that you only watch in movies. 

Im so glad we had this chance to do all that we did and i wouldnt have it any other way. Thank you for showing me how a trip should be truly enjoyed; without the stress, the unhappiness and the simmering anger, that things can be worked out with a little patience and acceptance, as with everything else in life. 

I climbed an active volcano that was a challenge every single step of the way. . Perhaps being on the wrong end of 35 is a wake up call to run the proverbial marathon or climb a mountain before one becomes too old/too tired. Nevertheless Rinjani reignited my spirit of adventure and 2014 will see me scaling new heights and exploring new terrain.

 I brought my kids to our first ever threesome trip to Taiwan on the heels of a girlfriend and her family. It was exhausting I must admit but the fun that the children had more than made up for it.

I completed my quota of 12 races this year with one of them being an overseas race. I achieved my PB thanks to my bunch of inexhaustible running kakis who never failed to push me to my limits. (Sometimes even to the point of puking)

I went back to my first love - badminton, and managed to stumble upon a regular group to play with. The bonus is that this group is a wonderful bunch who not only are badminton kakis, but have also become close friends as well, hanging out for suppers and coffee and offering a listening ear when I'm down.

I made newfound friends who share similar life experiences and who have picked themselves up so courageously to make the best of their situations. You know who you are and I am honored to be able to confide my hopes and fears to you, for only you guys understand the struggles I face. I reconnected with old friends who inspire me to take life by the horns and face each day with upbeat optimism. Thank you for keeping me company all those lonely nights, as we poured out our woes and lamented about our fates over dinners and drinks and music. 

My kids have become more important to me than ever before. I realized that in a world that constantly lets you down, they are a constant and that their unconditional love and acceptance is all that I need when I need a little (or a huge) pick me up. 

On love...

I floundered through some misses in this arena this year and i sometimes wonder what had possessed me to make certain decisions. 

I realize that i need to find a man who will fight to be in my life no matter what. I need someone who knows that love is hard work, that relationships are never always about the good times.  I want someone who understands that the loving, laughing and the goofy times are worth the fighting for the fighting throws up important issues that once ironed out, will strengthen the relationship. 

I want a man who will make it his life's mission to make me happy because he is convinced that only he has the right to do so. 

Is it too much to ask for a man who intuitively knows what to do when im happy or sad, and who pays attention to details of my personality? Is it too much to ask for a man who recognizes the girl who simply needs to be cuddled and held and cared for but yet admires the woman with her ambitions and dreams?

 I want a man who will always believe in his heart of hearts that we should be together; a man who will never give up on me no matter what. 

Perhaps I am trying to kid myself. Perhaps all my well meaning friends are right and that I should not settle. 

All i know is, through it all, two words keep popping up in my mind now and then.

"Everything ok?"

I remember the support that came at the back of these words. I remember the genuine concern for what's happening during my day. I remember the familiar comfort of these two words and how they became my crutch to get through tough days. 

"Everything ok?"

"No it's not ok. But maybe this year ill find a way."