Letting go

I have a wound and it seems to have been on my skin forever. It used to bleed profusely and caused me much anguish. It has since healed over but the healing process has taken such a long time that I do not even notice its presence when I accidentally brush against it occasionally. I scratch at it sometimes, out of boredom and curiosity, but the drop or two of blood that oozes out hardly makes me flinch.

I am letting someone go.

This person is my wound that has healed over, a wound that will never quite become a scar, but yet will always be part of me.

I have to do this necessary act of self-preservation, before I can expect to properly move forward in life. And to me, this act of letting go seems as if its almost some kind of victory.

I have been embroiled in an emotional fog that has blanketed me for the longest time, a state of despair and disorientation that has prevented me from being aware of just how hopeless the situation has become.

Well meaning friends have been nagging that I should really wake up and do the right thing by myself, and that life can go on even if this person is no longer going to be a major part of it. Yet I stubbornly chose to not heed their well intended advice and continued to trudge down a despondent path, chasing an irredeemable dream; each step becoming more and more disheartening.

I do not know exactly when was the exact moment that something clicked inside my head. It was definitely not as though i simply woke up one day and felt totally fine and happy.

I guess I simply started to forget, feeling the acute pain of the futility of my longing less and less as each day went by.

I think there will come a day when it wouldn't even hurt at all anymore, and I'll probably not notice it too, because I have now willed myself to think about and focus my energy on other things.

I have decided to let everything go in order to remove the turmoil that this person has wielded from his place of power for so long. Because if I pick and choose memories, they will just bleed into one another, spiralling into an uncontrollable series of flashbacks.

I cannot simply think about the time the two of us sat on the beach talking for an entire night, or the time we spent together during our school days, or how we supported each other when we were down and out. Because if I allow myself to think about any singular memory, it will not only start to remind me of all the other good times but also of all the promises made and ultimately broken. 

We had an entire story, and  in order to let go, I cannot and will not choose the memories that i want to isolate for nostalgia. Perhaps one day I can think about each memory in isolation but till then, I am choosing to simply wipe my slate clean.

I have stopped caring about what that person is thinking about or doing at this very moment, or obsessing over whether a "Like" or not on Facebook means anything more than it should,  or thinking about what I could have done differently to make that person choose to stay by my side. I am letting go of everything about this relationship that means something to me, because life can be just as good, just as beautiful, without this person in it.

I have written before that I don't want to learn not to feel. I remember emphasizing that if i dont feel,  ill forget how much i cared. But this time I have to stop feeling.


And some days, I catch myself thinking; I guess this person has no effect on me any longer, and probably vice versa, and it feels very much like a small death. Ironically at the same time, I feel the certain kind of relief and freedom that comes from not having to second guess and be chronically disappointed ever again.

I am letting someone go.

And this time it is for good.

No more regrets.

No more looking back.