We were coaxing Terelle to drink up her chinese medicine. As usual, she was doing all she can and coming up with all sorts of delay tactics to get out of it.
It had been a long day and both of us were tired, hot and bothered, and our patience was worn thin.
Hubby finally lost his cool and shouted at her to get on with it.
She grudgingly sat on the floor and indignantly downed the medicine.
Thane chose this precise moment to let out a gurgle of laughter, which sounded like he was mocking her.
The little chilli padi turned to him and grimly declared in a menacing voice that commanded no further comments
"IT'S NOT FUNNY!"
Hubby and I could hardly keep a straight face after that. We both had to run out of the room lest we burst out laughing in front of her and lose our authority.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Uncanny coincidence
She was born on 050405
He was born on 071207
Similar date pattern
She has 7 letters in her name.
He has 5.
She turned 2 on 050407
He was made on 050407 *snigger*
She turned 3 on 050408
He started sleeping through the night on 050408
In the afternoon, both have to sleep at the same time and they will invariably wake up at the same time too!
We have an strange affinity with these 2 numbers in our daily life too. Rented wagons at the zoo, locker numbers, car park lots, receipt slips at special occasions; all bear the numbers '57'.
Sheer coincidence, you might scoff, but it has happened too many times for us to dismiss.
And the numbers 5 and 7 have an added significance, cos in the days when handphones were non existent and pagers were the hippest form of communication, i used the no 57 as my initials cos when viewed upside down, they form the letters LS.
Im so glad that sister and brother are close (so far), without me having to really try very hard. Whenever he cries, sometimes only his sister is able to make him smile with her silly antics. And whenever she cries, he invariably gets very upset too, as if he is sharing her distress.
Because of this uncanny coincidence, we have a sticker of the number 57 on our car, making us hard to miss on the roads.
So if u do see us, give us a toot and a wave! ;)
He was born on 071207
Similar date pattern
She has 7 letters in her name.
He has 5.
She turned 2 on 050407
He was made on 050407 *snigger*
She turned 3 on 050408
He started sleeping through the night on 050408
In the afternoon, both have to sleep at the same time and they will invariably wake up at the same time too!
We have an strange affinity with these 2 numbers in our daily life too. Rented wagons at the zoo, locker numbers, car park lots, receipt slips at special occasions; all bear the numbers '57'.
Sheer coincidence, you might scoff, but it has happened too many times for us to dismiss.
And the numbers 5 and 7 have an added significance, cos in the days when handphones were non existent and pagers were the hippest form of communication, i used the no 57 as my initials cos when viewed upside down, they form the letters LS.
Im so glad that sister and brother are close (so far), without me having to really try very hard. Whenever he cries, sometimes only his sister is able to make him smile with her silly antics. And whenever she cries, he invariably gets very upset too, as if he is sharing her distress.
Because of this uncanny coincidence, we have a sticker of the number 57 on our car, making us hard to miss on the roads.
So if u do see us, give us a toot and a wave! ;)
Monday, May 19, 2008
What did she say?!
Scenario 1
Family eating at dinner table. Hubby talking to his mum and she replies with her mouth half full. Little smart aleck quips with a serious, admonishing look on her face,
"Mama dont talk with ur mouth full! Its very rude!!"
Everyone almost falls off their chairs in laughter.
Looks like my incessant nagging at her not to talk with her mouth full is working!
Family eating at dinner table. Hubby talking to his mum and she replies with her mouth half full. Little smart aleck quips with a serious, admonishing look on her face,
"Mama dont talk with ur mouth full! Its very rude!!"
Everyone almost falls off their chairs in laughter.
Looks like my incessant nagging at her not to talk with her mouth full is working!
Scenario 2
We all head to the stables at Pasir Ris Park, hoping to let Terelle have a ride on the ponys. My dad complains non stop about the mosquitoes, the dark clouds and impending rain, the "ulu-ness" of the place and kept on dissuading us to let her have her fun with the ponys. This prompted me to tell him not to be a wet blanket.
Terelle, in all seriousness, asked as she cautiously tugged at and fingered his shirt," Why gong gong? Are you very wet??"
*Rolls eyes in disbelief*
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Hope
Ive finally realised the reason for my daughter's terrible moods - she's not feeling well.
Terelle has been on long term medication for her lung problems and allergies ever since January and recently her paediatrician decided to stop the meds. Consequently all the allergies started flaring up again - itchy, watery eyes, a sneeze a minute, leaky nose, breathlessness and a hacking cough with any slight exertion; and it drives her up the wall. And because of that, she takes her frustrations out on me, and who can blame her?
Coincidently a good friend brought her daughter to see a sinseh recently for her flu and it cleared up very quickly. She was very impressed and suggested i try tcm. I am not particularly a great fan of tcm, having heard horror stories of fly by night sinsehs who sneak weatern drugs into their "potions" and who use herbs from unknown sources. Moreover, i was brought up taking western medicine and coupled with my training as a biochemist armed with a plethora of proven scientific knowledge, i was skeptical and wary.
However, i have also heard that reputable sinsehs are able to treat the root cause of your problem and that treatment with tcm, although lengthy, aims for holistic wellbeing; versus western medicine which is quick acting but treats only symptoms. What the heck, i was desperate to try anything that can improve my poor girl's quality of life and also regain my sanity, so we quickly made an appointment to see this guy.
I wasnt too impressed when we reached the medical hall. It was old with flaky yellowed walls, non air conditioned and smelled very strongly of "koyok" (medicated plasters) A sour faced "nurse" told us in curt tones, without even looking at us, to wait until our number was called before going into the consultation room. After a 30min wait, we were finally face to face with the famed doctor.
He was a serious middle aged man who promptly ordered hubby out of the room so he could concentrate on sensing terelle's aura (or whatever he needed to do). Perhaps she was awed by him too, as she was uncharacteristically quiet and compliant. I started blubbering in my rusty mandarin but he totally ignored my ramblings. He took one look at her and grimly declared that she had weak lungs in surprisingly fluent English. ( Now why did i assume that just because he was a sinseh who practiced traditional chinese medicine that i HAD to speak in mandarin and make a fool of myself??)
He started to examine her and after a minute of silence (by then i was too cowed by his intimidating presence to utter a squeak), he looked up and with a voice that dripped contempt, asked me a barrage of questions.
"Do you give her yakult and juice?"
"Yes"
"Biscuits, chocolates, fruits?"
(more meekly) "Yes"
"She eats very slowly, has no appetite, sleeps poorly and tosses and turns?"
"Yes"
"She had an episode of lung infection in recent months?"
"Yes in January"
"Then she had high fever with fits too?"
"Yes during a 2nd infection in February"
(He can tell so much by just reading her pulse??)
"She is in very bad health, you shouldnt have waited so long to see me"
"....." (My heart sinks to the bottom of my shoes)
"Her upbringing is so bad, all those yakult, fruits, western stuff...they claim is good but it does more harm to our system. We are asians so we have a completely different constitution, we cannot eat the same way as the ang mohs."
(Bad upbringing?? what bad upbringing??) I felt abit indignant at that point.
"Your daughter has a very strong personality, she has very obvious leadership qualities. I can tell from her face. And being unwell hinders her learning potential. She gets very frustrated and irritable often right?"
(What is he now, a fortune teller too??)
"Yes"
He shakes his head and makes some notes. At this point i stupidly venture to ask a question, cos he made it sound as though she was beyond hope.
" So can she be cured?"
He looked at me over his glasses, arched an eyebrow and said curtly
"I know what im doing"
*But..but...i didnt mean to say you dont know what ure doing...i just need some assurance...* *sniff sniff*
ok no more talking from me, i decided to speak only when spoken to.
"ok she cannot eat nuts, all fruits from A to Z, fruit juices, yakult, green tea, chicken, eggs, all fried things, oily stuff, oven baked like cakes, cereals, biscuits..."
(i start to space out...so many things? What can she eat?)
"Ah i know u wont be able to remember all these. You yourself suffer from insomnia and hence cannot focus well, have a bad back here" (points to the exact spot where my back is aching) "pain here" (points to a stiff spot on my neck that i cant seem to shake off) "have constipation and heartburn"
Ahhhhh...he can see all that from my face too?? But he's spot on in his diagnosis
"Just give her small portions of soft foods now; oats, porridge. Boil it with meat but dont let her eat the meat. Fish ok"
"Can she eat sushi? Its her favourite"
"No, the rice is too hard for her to digest"
Terelle had been quiet and paying attention to our conversation so far. I noticed her face registering increasing alarm after hearing the entire list of forbidden food. To hear that she couldnt have her beloved sushi; it was the straw that broke her back. She couldnt help but blurt out pleadingly
"Noodles can? Doctor please say can?"
That elicited a smile from the doctor who told her with a laugh that noodles are fine.
"See your girl is so smart, we must make her feel better then she can really shine"
I heave an inaudible sigh of relief...he's human after all.
And i chose this moment to ask another dumb question.
"So do i have to be treated too?"
Another arch of his eyebrow. "Ill treat your girl first, part of your inability to sleep is because of her. Because u worry too much about her"
Whoa spot on again. I felt like a recalcitrant schoolgirl in front of a strict principal.
And so, that kinda concluded our virgin sinseh visit. Terelle was given a vile smelling concoction together with some powder to drink and ordered to come back in 5 days.
Miraculously, she took the medicine with minimal fuss and true enough, showed visible signs of improvement after 5 days.
We are now both seeing this sinseh for long term maintenance and well being and i feel much more lighthearted seeing terelle in better spirits and most importantly better health. She only has occasional sneezes when she wakes in the morning and can run like the wind without succumbing to a hacking cough.
And surprisingly, good ol serious doc has started to lighten up. He now laughs and jokes with us, probably cos we have been listening to his advice and have shown considerable improvement. Even sour faced puss at the recept now smiles and makes small talk with us. Or maybe our scintillating personalities are now shining through cos we are both feeling better? Haha...lame...
But there you have it, i now have hope, in the form of a no nonsense chinese sinseh.
Terelle has been on long term medication for her lung problems and allergies ever since January and recently her paediatrician decided to stop the meds. Consequently all the allergies started flaring up again - itchy, watery eyes, a sneeze a minute, leaky nose, breathlessness and a hacking cough with any slight exertion; and it drives her up the wall. And because of that, she takes her frustrations out on me, and who can blame her?
Coincidently a good friend brought her daughter to see a sinseh recently for her flu and it cleared up very quickly. She was very impressed and suggested i try tcm. I am not particularly a great fan of tcm, having heard horror stories of fly by night sinsehs who sneak weatern drugs into their "potions" and who use herbs from unknown sources. Moreover, i was brought up taking western medicine and coupled with my training as a biochemist armed with a plethora of proven scientific knowledge, i was skeptical and wary.
However, i have also heard that reputable sinsehs are able to treat the root cause of your problem and that treatment with tcm, although lengthy, aims for holistic wellbeing; versus western medicine which is quick acting but treats only symptoms. What the heck, i was desperate to try anything that can improve my poor girl's quality of life and also regain my sanity, so we quickly made an appointment to see this guy.
I wasnt too impressed when we reached the medical hall. It was old with flaky yellowed walls, non air conditioned and smelled very strongly of "koyok" (medicated plasters) A sour faced "nurse" told us in curt tones, without even looking at us, to wait until our number was called before going into the consultation room. After a 30min wait, we were finally face to face with the famed doctor.
He was a serious middle aged man who promptly ordered hubby out of the room so he could concentrate on sensing terelle's aura (or whatever he needed to do). Perhaps she was awed by him too, as she was uncharacteristically quiet and compliant. I started blubbering in my rusty mandarin but he totally ignored my ramblings. He took one look at her and grimly declared that she had weak lungs in surprisingly fluent English. ( Now why did i assume that just because he was a sinseh who practiced traditional chinese medicine that i HAD to speak in mandarin and make a fool of myself??)
He started to examine her and after a minute of silence (by then i was too cowed by his intimidating presence to utter a squeak), he looked up and with a voice that dripped contempt, asked me a barrage of questions.
"Do you give her yakult and juice?"
"Yes"
"Biscuits, chocolates, fruits?"
(more meekly) "Yes"
"She eats very slowly, has no appetite, sleeps poorly and tosses and turns?"
"Yes"
"She had an episode of lung infection in recent months?"
"Yes in January"
"Then she had high fever with fits too?"
"Yes during a 2nd infection in February"
(He can tell so much by just reading her pulse??)
"She is in very bad health, you shouldnt have waited so long to see me"
"....." (My heart sinks to the bottom of my shoes)
"Her upbringing is so bad, all those yakult, fruits, western stuff...they claim is good but it does more harm to our system. We are asians so we have a completely different constitution, we cannot eat the same way as the ang mohs."
(Bad upbringing?? what bad upbringing??) I felt abit indignant at that point.
"Your daughter has a very strong personality, she has very obvious leadership qualities. I can tell from her face. And being unwell hinders her learning potential. She gets very frustrated and irritable often right?"
(What is he now, a fortune teller too??)
"Yes"
He shakes his head and makes some notes. At this point i stupidly venture to ask a question, cos he made it sound as though she was beyond hope.
" So can she be cured?"
He looked at me over his glasses, arched an eyebrow and said curtly
"I know what im doing"
*But..but...i didnt mean to say you dont know what ure doing...i just need some assurance...* *sniff sniff*
ok no more talking from me, i decided to speak only when spoken to.
"ok she cannot eat nuts, all fruits from A to Z, fruit juices, yakult, green tea, chicken, eggs, all fried things, oily stuff, oven baked like cakes, cereals, biscuits..."
(i start to space out...so many things? What can she eat?)
"Ah i know u wont be able to remember all these. You yourself suffer from insomnia and hence cannot focus well, have a bad back here" (points to the exact spot where my back is aching) "pain here" (points to a stiff spot on my neck that i cant seem to shake off) "have constipation and heartburn"
Ahhhhh...he can see all that from my face too?? But he's spot on in his diagnosis
"Just give her small portions of soft foods now; oats, porridge. Boil it with meat but dont let her eat the meat. Fish ok"
"Can she eat sushi? Its her favourite"
"No, the rice is too hard for her to digest"
Terelle had been quiet and paying attention to our conversation so far. I noticed her face registering increasing alarm after hearing the entire list of forbidden food. To hear that she couldnt have her beloved sushi; it was the straw that broke her back. She couldnt help but blurt out pleadingly
"Noodles can? Doctor please say can?"
That elicited a smile from the doctor who told her with a laugh that noodles are fine.
"See your girl is so smart, we must make her feel better then she can really shine"
I heave an inaudible sigh of relief...he's human after all.
And i chose this moment to ask another dumb question.
"So do i have to be treated too?"
Another arch of his eyebrow. "Ill treat your girl first, part of your inability to sleep is because of her. Because u worry too much about her"
Whoa spot on again. I felt like a recalcitrant schoolgirl in front of a strict principal.
And so, that kinda concluded our virgin sinseh visit. Terelle was given a vile smelling concoction together with some powder to drink and ordered to come back in 5 days.
Miraculously, she took the medicine with minimal fuss and true enough, showed visible signs of improvement after 5 days.
We are now both seeing this sinseh for long term maintenance and well being and i feel much more lighthearted seeing terelle in better spirits and most importantly better health. She only has occasional sneezes when she wakes in the morning and can run like the wind without succumbing to a hacking cough.
And surprisingly, good ol serious doc has started to lighten up. He now laughs and jokes with us, probably cos we have been listening to his advice and have shown considerable improvement. Even sour faced puss at the recept now smiles and makes small talk with us. Or maybe our scintillating personalities are now shining through cos we are both feeling better? Haha...lame...
But there you have it, i now have hope, in the form of a no nonsense chinese sinseh.
Friday, May 16, 2008
My sweet girl
I was lying in bed this morning trying to get an extra hour of sleep, having had to wake up 5 times the night before to nurse a sick baby with a stuffy nose. I could hear the baby wailing to be carried outside and Terelle's incessant pleas for someone to play with her but i stubbornly tried to shut out the din by burrowing deeper under the covers.
Suddenly i heard little footsteps approaching the bed. Terelle had crept up silently beside me. She planted a kiss on my cheek and whispered " Is your head bursting, mummy? You sleep well okie? Then when u wake up later you can play with me okie?"
For that i immediately got up and found the energy to start the day.
I guess i must be doing something right after all.
Suddenly i heard little footsteps approaching the bed. Terelle had crept up silently beside me. She planted a kiss on my cheek and whispered " Is your head bursting, mummy? You sleep well okie? Then when u wake up later you can play with me okie?"
For that i immediately got up and found the energy to start the day.
I guess i must be doing something right after all.
Sunday, May 04, 2008
I am crap
Lately ive been feeling extremely tired, both emotionally and physically, from taking care of the 2 kids. Im out of play ideas, i snap for no rhyme or reason, everything and everyone irks me to no end and when i wake up in the morning sometimes i wish they would just disappear.
In short, im simply at the end of my tether. I feel like a terrible, useless mum.
I have friends who breeze through being a stay at home mum to 2 kids, without any help whatsoever. And they are still cheerful and patient and can find loads to do with their kids. They can play with them the whole day, take them out to the malls (ALONE!!) and never scream like a deranged banshee.
Me? Most days terelle watches tv till her eyes glaze over while i sit on the couch with the baby stuck on my breast, repeatedly yelling at her to switch it off. And yet when she finally does switch it off, i have no energy left to think of yet another inane game to entertain her with. And i do have a helper to do all the household chores and cook for us.
I feel like a terrible, useless mum.
I used to have tons of patience to spare, i could counsel and advise even the most obstinate and rebellious student. Now i find myself getting irritated by petty and inconsequential things.
Terelle whines for more cereals. I grudgingly fetch the bowl for her and wish she would shut up.
She asks to be piggy backed to the toilet to brush her teeth and whines when i deny her cos my tired, aching body just cant take piggy backing her 14kg frame for that short trip to the loo. I forcefully haul her to the sink and brush her teeth whilst she is crying pitifully, saying that ive hurt her arm. And i start to regret...why couldnt i have just piggy backed her and saved myself from this emotional outburst?
The baby is cranky and refuses to sleep, and screams to be rocked and nursed at the same time. I stubbornly sit on the sofa, vehemently stuff my breast into his mouth and yell at him to cooperate, while he gags and chokes because he is fighting me off and crying at the same time.
And while i am fighting my epic battle with the baby, Terelle comes running to me and askes me to play with her cos my helper simply has no idea how to entertain her. I ask her to wait till the baby's asleep and she glues herself to the goggle box again. I think venomous thoughts along the lines of "why is my maid so darn inept that she cant entertain a 3year old for a couple of minutes?" and take my anger out on Terelle by continuing to yell at her to switch the damn tv off.
The baby is finally asleep but by now Terelle has watched a whole hour and a half of mindless cartoons and my wrist is aching badly. I force myself to inject some cheer in my voice as i ask her nicely if she would like to do some painting/coloring/puzzles/play with her playdoh/toys/read a book. She says no to all the above and screams non stop when i switch the tv off. I take my rising resentment and anger out on her by yelling at her yet again and ignoring her completely as she sulks on the sofa.
After awhile she comes over and asks me in a pathetically plaintive voice "Mummy make happy face, Mummy dont be angry" and my heart breaks. God, she must be thinking what a monster Mummy is! I must be doing some serious damage to her emotional health!
I remind myself for the umpteenth time that she is only a kid and that i really shouldnt shout at her for nothing. We do some activity for a whole of 20min before she loses interest in it and wants to go back to watching tv. I yell at her to switch the blasted thing off again and she goes and sulks again. The cycle continues.
Am i really such a failure at entertaining my own kid? Am i so boring compared to the damn tv??
I feel like a terrible, useless mum.
If she goes to school, at least i get some respite but its still not time for myself. The baby needs a bath, has to be fed and bounced to sleep again and i need some lunch and visit the toilet. If im lucky, the maid plays with him and he is happy while i can do my business in peace. On bad days, i have to rush through my business and cant do it properly cos i can hear him wailing himself hoarse outside. I am that pathetic.
And oh i forgot...i realise i didnt even have time to wash my face that morning.
If she doesnt go to school, i have an even harder time. After having barked at her non stop for the past hour to chew and swallow (Terelle hates eating, by the way), i am frustrated and sweltering (stupid muggy weather) and my patience is at its limit. And there she goes and sneezes, hurling chunks of food that she has been keeping in her mouth for the past 15min all over the dining table, floor and my face.
I literally lose it. Rage consumes me as i scream at her so malevolently i scare myself. She bawls and i send her to the room as i sit on the sofa and weep. I think to myself, how much more of this can i take?? After i compose myself i go to the room and find her a whimpering wreck and i start berating myself again as i try my best to soothe away the tears and raw feelings.
I feel like a terrible, useless mum.
If she doesnt go to school, i have to think of ways to entertain my gal, her with the attention span of a gnat. Somedays i take her out, but trying to manage 2 kids outside, albeit with a maid's help, leaves me exhausted and i wish i had stayed home instead.
Yet being exhausted outside still beats staying at home with a bored 3 year old who can take just that much of painting/coloring/puzzles/playdoh/toys/books. But hey, there are just that many places to go in Singapore and the blistering heat doesnt help one bit. Or am i just not creative enough?
When they are awake, im counting the hours till they take their nap. When they are napping, i pray fervently that they dont wake so soon. If there were a drug that would make my kids sleep the whole day without any bad side effects, ill rush out to buy it. Now what kind of mother am i to wish that her kids be asleep the whole day??
They have to sleep their requisite 2 hours so i can take the time to just cool myself down. If either of them wakes prematurely i find myself taking my frustration and despair out on them again. Its so unfair to them i know, but i cant help it.
I feel like a terrible, useless mum.
By 6pm im usually in such a state of misery that i start sms-ing hubby to ask what time he's coming home. Ive just checked the sent box on my handphone and realise that 4 out of 5 weekdays i ask him the same question. My messages sound especially anguished when Terelle is up from her nap earlier than usual and is in a foul mood.
Hubby has never complained about having to receive these messages day after day but i am depressed by the state i am now reduced to. I just live for the time he comes home and when he does im usually an exhausted, sweaty, crabby mess and I hate it.
Am i too idealistic in trying to raise my kids?
Perhaps a couple of hours of tv a day wouldnt do too much harm?
But i have friends who can keep their kids away from the idiot box and yet still keep them entertained by activity books, flashcards and books and here i am falling so far short of that benchmark.
Perhaps letting the baby cry it out for awhile wouldnt hurt him at all?
But ive read that happy, secure babies are the ones that have their needs met all the time and are stronger and healthier as a result; and I worry about letting him cry till he's out of breath while i am struggling with managing Terelle's emotions.
Perhaps letting Terelle play in the playground is a better idea than keeping her at home?
But what about the epidemic levels of hfmd now??
Perhaps letting Terelle go to a childcare for the whole day will do both her and me some good? But what about exposure to all those germy kids? What will that do to her fragile, allergy prone body??
Perhaps leaving them alone with the maid is alright while i go have some me time?
But i cant, i just cant bear the thought of leaving them alone with a complete stranger, someone whose entire background was only presented to me on a sheet of paper.
I look on enviously at friends whose parents help them to no end with their kids. And i start getting even more resentful because i know that i will never be able to have that luxury.
Perhaps im really being too hard on myself.
Perhaps i really should let go a little.
Perhaps i should just stop comparing myself with other supermums.
Perhaps i should go back to work so that when i come back ill miss them so much ill be a happier mum. (But that is out of the question cos i have no parental help and i cant bear to send them to a childcare)
Or perhaps im just not cut out for this job.
I feel like a terrible, useless mum.
In short, im simply at the end of my tether. I feel like a terrible, useless mum.
I have friends who breeze through being a stay at home mum to 2 kids, without any help whatsoever. And they are still cheerful and patient and can find loads to do with their kids. They can play with them the whole day, take them out to the malls (ALONE!!) and never scream like a deranged banshee.
Me? Most days terelle watches tv till her eyes glaze over while i sit on the couch with the baby stuck on my breast, repeatedly yelling at her to switch it off. And yet when she finally does switch it off, i have no energy left to think of yet another inane game to entertain her with. And i do have a helper to do all the household chores and cook for us.
I feel like a terrible, useless mum.
I used to have tons of patience to spare, i could counsel and advise even the most obstinate and rebellious student. Now i find myself getting irritated by petty and inconsequential things.
Terelle whines for more cereals. I grudgingly fetch the bowl for her and wish she would shut up.
She asks to be piggy backed to the toilet to brush her teeth and whines when i deny her cos my tired, aching body just cant take piggy backing her 14kg frame for that short trip to the loo. I forcefully haul her to the sink and brush her teeth whilst she is crying pitifully, saying that ive hurt her arm. And i start to regret...why couldnt i have just piggy backed her and saved myself from this emotional outburst?
The baby is cranky and refuses to sleep, and screams to be rocked and nursed at the same time. I stubbornly sit on the sofa, vehemently stuff my breast into his mouth and yell at him to cooperate, while he gags and chokes because he is fighting me off and crying at the same time.
And while i am fighting my epic battle with the baby, Terelle comes running to me and askes me to play with her cos my helper simply has no idea how to entertain her. I ask her to wait till the baby's asleep and she glues herself to the goggle box again. I think venomous thoughts along the lines of "why is my maid so darn inept that she cant entertain a 3year old for a couple of minutes?" and take my anger out on Terelle by continuing to yell at her to switch the damn tv off.
The baby is finally asleep but by now Terelle has watched a whole hour and a half of mindless cartoons and my wrist is aching badly. I force myself to inject some cheer in my voice as i ask her nicely if she would like to do some painting/coloring/puzzles/play with her playdoh/toys/read a book. She says no to all the above and screams non stop when i switch the tv off. I take my rising resentment and anger out on her by yelling at her yet again and ignoring her completely as she sulks on the sofa.
After awhile she comes over and asks me in a pathetically plaintive voice "Mummy make happy face, Mummy dont be angry" and my heart breaks. God, she must be thinking what a monster Mummy is! I must be doing some serious damage to her emotional health!
I remind myself for the umpteenth time that she is only a kid and that i really shouldnt shout at her for nothing. We do some activity for a whole of 20min before she loses interest in it and wants to go back to watching tv. I yell at her to switch the blasted thing off again and she goes and sulks again. The cycle continues.
Am i really such a failure at entertaining my own kid? Am i so boring compared to the damn tv??
I feel like a terrible, useless mum.
If she goes to school, at least i get some respite but its still not time for myself. The baby needs a bath, has to be fed and bounced to sleep again and i need some lunch and visit the toilet. If im lucky, the maid plays with him and he is happy while i can do my business in peace. On bad days, i have to rush through my business and cant do it properly cos i can hear him wailing himself hoarse outside. I am that pathetic.
And oh i forgot...i realise i didnt even have time to wash my face that morning.
If she doesnt go to school, i have an even harder time. After having barked at her non stop for the past hour to chew and swallow (Terelle hates eating, by the way), i am frustrated and sweltering (stupid muggy weather) and my patience is at its limit. And there she goes and sneezes, hurling chunks of food that she has been keeping in her mouth for the past 15min all over the dining table, floor and my face.
I literally lose it. Rage consumes me as i scream at her so malevolently i scare myself. She bawls and i send her to the room as i sit on the sofa and weep. I think to myself, how much more of this can i take?? After i compose myself i go to the room and find her a whimpering wreck and i start berating myself again as i try my best to soothe away the tears and raw feelings.
I feel like a terrible, useless mum.
If she doesnt go to school, i have to think of ways to entertain my gal, her with the attention span of a gnat. Somedays i take her out, but trying to manage 2 kids outside, albeit with a maid's help, leaves me exhausted and i wish i had stayed home instead.
Yet being exhausted outside still beats staying at home with a bored 3 year old who can take just that much of painting/coloring/puzzles/playdoh/toys/books. But hey, there are just that many places to go in Singapore and the blistering heat doesnt help one bit. Or am i just not creative enough?
When they are awake, im counting the hours till they take their nap. When they are napping, i pray fervently that they dont wake so soon. If there were a drug that would make my kids sleep the whole day without any bad side effects, ill rush out to buy it. Now what kind of mother am i to wish that her kids be asleep the whole day??
They have to sleep their requisite 2 hours so i can take the time to just cool myself down. If either of them wakes prematurely i find myself taking my frustration and despair out on them again. Its so unfair to them i know, but i cant help it.
I feel like a terrible, useless mum.
By 6pm im usually in such a state of misery that i start sms-ing hubby to ask what time he's coming home. Ive just checked the sent box on my handphone and realise that 4 out of 5 weekdays i ask him the same question. My messages sound especially anguished when Terelle is up from her nap earlier than usual and is in a foul mood.
Hubby has never complained about having to receive these messages day after day but i am depressed by the state i am now reduced to. I just live for the time he comes home and when he does im usually an exhausted, sweaty, crabby mess and I hate it.
Am i too idealistic in trying to raise my kids?
Perhaps a couple of hours of tv a day wouldnt do too much harm?
But i have friends who can keep their kids away from the idiot box and yet still keep them entertained by activity books, flashcards and books and here i am falling so far short of that benchmark.
Perhaps letting the baby cry it out for awhile wouldnt hurt him at all?
But ive read that happy, secure babies are the ones that have their needs met all the time and are stronger and healthier as a result; and I worry about letting him cry till he's out of breath while i am struggling with managing Terelle's emotions.
Perhaps letting Terelle play in the playground is a better idea than keeping her at home?
But what about the epidemic levels of hfmd now??
Perhaps letting Terelle go to a childcare for the whole day will do both her and me some good? But what about exposure to all those germy kids? What will that do to her fragile, allergy prone body??
Perhaps leaving them alone with the maid is alright while i go have some me time?
But i cant, i just cant bear the thought of leaving them alone with a complete stranger, someone whose entire background was only presented to me on a sheet of paper.
I look on enviously at friends whose parents help them to no end with their kids. And i start getting even more resentful because i know that i will never be able to have that luxury.
Perhaps im really being too hard on myself.
Perhaps i really should let go a little.
Perhaps i should just stop comparing myself with other supermums.
Perhaps i should go back to work so that when i come back ill miss them so much ill be a happier mum. (But that is out of the question cos i have no parental help and i cant bear to send them to a childcare)
Or perhaps im just not cut out for this job.
I feel like a terrible, useless mum.
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