It's 1am. Everyone's asleep and I've just spent the last hour to myself luxuriating in my book and my music.
I'm supposed to feel happy. I'm supposed to feel relaxed and thankful for my time alone.
Yet I can't get something out of my head.
"I wish I had let myself be happier."
Just read this as one of the topmost regrets of the dying. That they did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice.
I made a choice; a choice to move out of my comfort zone, to stop pretending that I was happy and content and to try to find real happiness once again.
But why am I still not happy?
I used to have silliness in my life. I used to laugh properly and with abandon. I used to be loved wholeheartedly. I experienced a roller coaster of emotions, from giddy intoxication to deep despair.
And I gave everything I had, never thinking that these days would end.
But end they did.
And although i know stepping away is the right and only way to go, I am left with this void that I am not sure how to fill properly. My mind plays over the countless what ifs, if onlys and maybes...
Sure, I fill my days with activities. I surround myself with friends who love me. But they only bring short lived joy. At the end of the day, I'm still alone with my thoughts and fears.
I am afraid ill never be able to find someone who will love me the way I want, the way I need to be loved, ever again. I don't want to be lonely, yet the thought of settling for something that unsettles me is upsetting.
A life of grey. No burst of colors but then again no bleak darkness.
And uncertainty. I dislike uncertainty.
As it is I like my days planned right down to the hour. I like to know exactly what I'll be doing today, tomorrow, next week.
Uncertainty. I absolutely cannot bear it.
I have been spoilt and perhaps my expectations are too high. I should just learn to be content. It would probably save me alot of senseless fretting and heartache.
Just one clear sign. I just need one clear indication that my next steps are on the right path to let myself be happier.
The clock is ticking.
