What now, What next?

I am going through a phase in which im constantly questioning my role as a stay-at-home-mum. Day after day passes, some in meaningless drudgery, some with satisfying results.


I find myself dwelling too long and too often on whether it is all worthwhile.

What would i have become if i had chosen a different path with my life?

What could i have achieved?


A doctor? Perhaps.
I have the constitution of an ox; i fall sick only like once every 2 years, am good with kids and think i have much better bedside manner than alot of other doctors ive seen.
I would have been a great paediatrician, i know it.

A principal? Most of my ex colleagues in school have gone on with their careers and have achieved success climbing up the education hierarchy. I could have been among their circles right now, but would it be something i enjoy doing?

A journalist? A business woman? A hot shot in some big company?


Well, all these are just wishful thinking on my part right now. I cannot turn back time nor can i ever hope to become any of these for the rest of my life.

And all because i chose this path - to become a sahm.


Yet I realise that im starting to take my children's lives too personally.

When they get injured under my watch, i beat myself up to no end cos i was responsible for their pain.

They cant read while their peers can; i berate myself for not having read to them more often.

They utter something hurting; i wonder why and get very upset cos i dont understand why they hate me so when ive tried so hard for them.

My children's every failure has made me bombard myself with countless thoughts of "I should have done that instead".

I care too much about everything and when things dont go as i have planned or envisioned them to be, i get frustrated and upset.

I would imagine this being akin to going for a performance review at work and having your boss tell you that you suck in many areas. It can sometimes be depressing and debilitating.



True, the rewards come in other forms.

My daughter proudly telling her friends that store bought snacks are no match to my home baked cookies.

Her eyes wide with joy when i present a pair of hand painted shoes of her favourite little mermaid (which i spent an entire night working on), to her.

A paper bracelet painstakingly strung together by little fingers, which now sits proudly on my nightstand.

A picture of me messily colored in by the both of them, but which i treasure greatly cos it was their 1st joint effort at drawing my portrait.

A tower of blocks carefully constructed and proudly declared to be "Mummy's castle", and that ill get a real one when she grows up and builds a real one for me.

Everyday occurences and snippets of conversation about everything and anything, all etched vividly in my mind.


But the children are starting to become my life's entire purpose.

After all ive poured out blood, sweat and tears just for them and they are supposed to be living proof that im not wasting my time at home.


My son's precociousness, his milestones...my daughter's excellent memory, powers of observation and speech. I take pride in them and it is through them that i find self validation.

And that scares me.



For in just a few years time, when they are all packed off to school, what's going to happen to me then? How will i find alternative forms of self validation?

Mine is a 24/7 job that pays no salary, makes no cpf contributions, let alone hand out performance bonuses. Ive left the job market for so long now, i dont think i can ever go back and accept starting right from the bottom again.


And so right now, i have to look for some pittance of an alternative income - its my way to self validate and to safeguard my mind for when the kids are grown.

Im not the kind to sit around and do nothing for the rest of my days. But when the time comes and ive all the time in the world again, will my few tuition and writing assigments be sufficient to keep me occupied, and most importantly keep my mind challenged?

Im seriously afraid.

At 18 months

Thane has finally progressed beyond unintelligible babbling!

He can call us all by name:
Pa Pa
Mare Mee (Mummy)
Che Che (Jie Jie, it used to be "chee chee" but now he has gotten the hang of it)
Ko Ko (Gong Gong)
Per Per (Por Por, it sounds like "per" as in the sound the letter P makes, but we know what he means)
Yee Yee (He does this best, with lots of glee and a great deal of panache. Arent you proud, sis?)
Yeh Yeh
Ma Ma
Ah Tee (Aunty, our helper)
Bay Bee (baby-himself)

He can indicate his intentions:
Go (when he wants go out)
There (when we ask where does he wanna go)
Hey Oh (Hello)

Ball (His favourite toy right now is a yellow soccer ball)
Bear Bear
Egg Bird (Big Bird from Sesame Street)
Eh Mo (Elmo)
Car

He has a distinct preference for the color yellow.
When in the ball pit of any indoor playground, he will seek out all the yellow balls and try to hoard them all, screaming murder if anyone tries to take them away.
At dinner time, he will always choose the yellow plastic spoon over all the others.
He has 3 pairs of shoes, one yellow and 2 blue. Whenever we go out, he will always go for the yellow pair.
Similarly for toys, stickers, markers, crayons, you name it...he will always zoom in on the yellow colored one and not let go.

Loves the song "C is for Cookie" by Cookie Monster
He will clap and bob along to the rhythm of the song whenever any of us sings it. Terelle will usually trash the lyrics by purposely singing some rubbish to the same tune but he seems to find this even more amusing and will laugh hysterically at her version.

Loves books
He will come running to anyone who has a book in hand, sit down quietly and listen while we tell him the story. And i am glad to notice that because of this, Terelle has begun to want to read more, cos she sees her baby brother always totally absorbed in their books.

He can sing the alphabet song!
Well not exactly...but he can make almost the right sound for each particular letter, and follow exactly in tune and rhythm!
He can also pick out several letters correctly when we ask him to.

When asked "What's your name?"
He will answer "Teen!"

When we point to pictures of him and ask who is that, he will go "Me Me Me!"

Can make correct animal sounds...
Dog: Woof Woof
Cat: Meeeeiow
Cow: Mooooooo
...and point out all the different animals whenever we ask where they are, even atypical ones like dinosaur, ostrich, koala, mole and lemur!

Although Terelle was way more advanced in speech at the same age (she could string together short sentences by 18mths), im proud that he has made such progress so far!

Keep it up baby!

On an entirely different note, at 18mths we brought Terelle to France. When Thane turned 18mths, we brought him to Sentosa.
Talk about sidelining no2? hahahah...

Ear Wax!

The answer to my previous post is EAR WAX!

But it aint mine, its Terelle's!

Ive been trying my darndest to get rid of this huge chunk of the icky stuff from her ears for the longest time. And since we saw these ear candles on sale at the car boot sale, we decided to give them a try.

Im still amazed that they actually work!
Think she must be hearing us loud and clear now. Hahaha...

Mandy and Sharon, u girls share the prize? haha...

Its a...?

Im offering a $10 prize for anyone who can guess what this is.

Family members who know exactly what it is, you are not eligible. Pls refrain from commenting.

Anyone? Contest open for a week!

Hahaha...

Appalling!!

Saw this kids' tee in Tampines 1 today. Check out the print!

It reads:

MAGIC MUSHROOM

Magic mushroom takes you to heaven

TO BE STUPEFIED ITS SO FUN

I am appalled. Promoting the use of drugs on the tee shirt of a 4 year old?

Shocking.

But yet its so absurd its funny.

Clingy babe

This is how Thane behaves outside nowadays.

Nestling in either our helper's or my arms

Clinging to our legs

Err being a lazy beach bum...

...but nestling in my arms, u get the point

He will lie in the safe cacoon of our embrace and eyeball any strangers warily, refusing to proffer a little hand for a high five or even give a tiny smile. Lips pursed, he will shyly look down or away when any person tries to engage him.

What a big contrast from a couple of months ago when he would happily wave and smile at any friendly stranger!

Hubby attributes it to me still breastfeeding him, that's why he's so clingy. But i think its just a phase they all go through.

When she was about Thane's age, Terelle was extremely attached to me for a period of time too, refusing to allow anyone else to even touch her. Now nothing will keep her still by my side for long!

So ill just treasure my little koala while this phase lasts.