What now, What next?

I am going through a phase in which im constantly questioning my role as a stay-at-home-mum. Day after day passes, some in meaningless drudgery, some with satisfying results.


I find myself dwelling too long and too often on whether it is all worthwhile.

What would i have become if i had chosen a different path with my life?

What could i have achieved?


A doctor? Perhaps.
I have the constitution of an ox; i fall sick only like once every 2 years, am good with kids and think i have much better bedside manner than alot of other doctors ive seen.
I would have been a great paediatrician, i know it.

A principal? Most of my ex colleagues in school have gone on with their careers and have achieved success climbing up the education hierarchy. I could have been among their circles right now, but would it be something i enjoy doing?

A journalist? A business woman? A hot shot in some big company?


Well, all these are just wishful thinking on my part right now. I cannot turn back time nor can i ever hope to become any of these for the rest of my life.

And all because i chose this path - to become a sahm.


Yet I realise that im starting to take my children's lives too personally.

When they get injured under my watch, i beat myself up to no end cos i was responsible for their pain.

They cant read while their peers can; i berate myself for not having read to them more often.

They utter something hurting; i wonder why and get very upset cos i dont understand why they hate me so when ive tried so hard for them.

My children's every failure has made me bombard myself with countless thoughts of "I should have done that instead".

I care too much about everything and when things dont go as i have planned or envisioned them to be, i get frustrated and upset.

I would imagine this being akin to going for a performance review at work and having your boss tell you that you suck in many areas. It can sometimes be depressing and debilitating.



True, the rewards come in other forms.

My daughter proudly telling her friends that store bought snacks are no match to my home baked cookies.

Her eyes wide with joy when i present a pair of hand painted shoes of her favourite little mermaid (which i spent an entire night working on), to her.

A paper bracelet painstakingly strung together by little fingers, which now sits proudly on my nightstand.

A picture of me messily colored in by the both of them, but which i treasure greatly cos it was their 1st joint effort at drawing my portrait.

A tower of blocks carefully constructed and proudly declared to be "Mummy's castle", and that ill get a real one when she grows up and builds a real one for me.

Everyday occurences and snippets of conversation about everything and anything, all etched vividly in my mind.


But the children are starting to become my life's entire purpose.

After all ive poured out blood, sweat and tears just for them and they are supposed to be living proof that im not wasting my time at home.


My son's precociousness, his milestones...my daughter's excellent memory, powers of observation and speech. I take pride in them and it is through them that i find self validation.

And that scares me.



For in just a few years time, when they are all packed off to school, what's going to happen to me then? How will i find alternative forms of self validation?

Mine is a 24/7 job that pays no salary, makes no cpf contributions, let alone hand out performance bonuses. Ive left the job market for so long now, i dont think i can ever go back and accept starting right from the bottom again.


And so right now, i have to look for some pittance of an alternative income - its my way to self validate and to safeguard my mind for when the kids are grown.

Im not the kind to sit around and do nothing for the rest of my days. But when the time comes and ive all the time in the world again, will my few tuition and writing assigments be sufficient to keep me occupied, and most importantly keep my mind challenged?

Im seriously afraid.