Firstly, my breastfeeding woes revisited.
I never have luck with breastfeeding; having suffered almost every single problem in the book during Terelle's time - Difficulty latching. Check. Engorgement. Check. Sore nipples. Check. Cracked nipples. Check. MASTITIS (breast infection). Check check check.
In the end, i ended up expressing milk round the clock for Terelle and i actually managed to do this for an entire year. But it was a chore and i really found those pumping sessions a complete waste of time.
With Thane, i had no difficulty latching him on, (everyone says its a male instinct, haha) but i had all the rest of the problems again. He was such a proficient sucker that my nipples started to bleed even while i was still in the hospital. And then because they were bleeding, the nurse told me to feed from the other breast, which led to the affected breast getting engorged. What a vicious cycle! It is no wonder so many women refuse to suffer the pain of breastfeeding! It is indeed a torture.
As usual hubby couldnt stand the sight of me suffering so again he told me to give it up. No way! I did this before and im sure i can do this again. But i feel breastfeeding (or at least the early days) is really more torturous than labor itself.
And then things spiralled even further downhill.
During my confinement with Terelle, i fell sick with high fever and chills twice due to mastitis. Similarly, i was sick again during my confinement with Thane, with a racking cough that just wouldnt go away.
And worst of all, Terelle caught a nasty bug that landed her in hospital with a chest infection for 4 days. She literally could not stop coughing; it was so bad it interferred with her appetite and sleep. I had to express milk while in the hospital and rush home at night to deliver it to my confinement aunty who would help me feed the baby. Thank God she was still around to help!
To compound our problems, the baby caught the bug from his sister. It was heartbreaking to see a one month old baby coughing relentlessly and puking each time the phlegm got stuck in his throat. Luckily my little trooper could still chug down full feeds, so even if some milk came out with his phlegm, he did not miss much.
The nightmare really started when, less than a week after Terelle recovered, she was down again with a bad flu. This time she had a fever so high she suffered from febrile fits. I had never witnessed a fit in my life and when it is happening to your own child, it is simply horrifying. I have read about febrile fits before and know that they are not dangerous, but still to watch your child having one is just terrible.
Terelle was having a high fever that day but she was still able to eat some cheese and bread with hubby watching her so i went to express milk in the room where the baby was confined in (to prevent him from catching the germs again) Hubby suddenly rushed in saying that something was wrong with Terelle. I scrambled out to find her with her eyes rolled upwards and puking all over hubby's shoulder. Her face was ghastly pale and her limbs were jerking wildly. Frantic, we rushed her under the shower and i quickly inserted a suppository. Hubby was so afraid we were losing her that he was crying.
Everything was so surreal and i vaguely remembered giving our details to the paramedics in the ambulance and packing a bag for hubby to take along to the hospital. The image of Terelle having a fit was so traumatic for me that i had nightmares about it for quite a long while afterwards.
Thankfully she was alright and didnt have to be warded, but it was hell nursing her back to health. Both hubby and i caught her germs too and at the height of our illness, all 3 of us were just lying around wishing we were dead. It was terrible having to nurse a sick kid AND take care of a newborn while being sick yourself. We had to monitor her fever round the clock and feed her medicine at 4hour intervals. If her fever spiked again, we panicked cos we couldnt risk another fit and worried ourselves sick till it came down again. Every single racking cough sent us into a frenzy and her incessant whining and pleading with us to make her feel better just broke our hearts.
To make matters worse, it was during this time that i had mastitis on top of the flu. When you're having chills and your whole body is aching from a high fever, and you have an excruciating lump in your breast the entire day, you really wish you were dead.
Thanks to all my friends who kept encouraging me by plying me with anecdotes about their similar experiences. It was these messages that kept me sane through those 10 horrible days. They were the ones who told me that things will only get better and that i should have faith.
However till today, i still blame myself for not having managed her fever better initially. If i had brought her fever down quickly by sponging her more, perhaps she wouldnt have suffered the fit. Never again for the rest of my life, do i want to witness a repeat of that awful scene of watching any of my kids having a fit while i am helpless to do anything about it.
On hindsight, i thank god for small mercies like the baby remaining healthy despite all of us being so sick. Things could have been worse, if he caught the bug too and had to be admitted. Thank god for hubby too, who slept with Terelle the whole time and patiently took her temperature and administered her medication without a single complaint, while being very sick himself. Hubby was at home for such a long time and was such a great help to me that when he finally went back to the office, i felt bereft for some time and wondered how i would be able to cope alone.
Its been 2 months since and things have really gotten better. Terelle has been healthy so far, though her lungs have suffered from those 2 nasty infections. Her doctor tells me that she has to be on medication to help her suppress another flare up of that wheezing episode. The medication makes her drowsy and cranky sometimes but i can live with that, as long as she doesnt fall so sick again.
And as for Thane, just when i thought i would never have unbroken sleep for the rest of my life, he started sleeping through the night without me having to do anything about it. And yes, there is a price to pay; he hardly sleeps in the day and i have to constantly carry him or he'll scream himself hoarse, but he gives me peace from 8pm till 7am the next morning...and that is more than i can ask for.
And breastfeeding is a breeze right now. Apart from my little sumo sometimes insisting that i carry AND nurse him at the same time; feeding him is like second nature to me now, even though im suffering from a chronic back ache from his weight. And i am secretly proud that i am that 1% of mothers in Singapore who totally breastfeed beyond 6mths. Ive done it with Terelle and im sure i can do it again with Thane.
Terelle was acting up and kept demanding our attention in the early days immediately following Thane's birth but now she is taking to her role as the big sister marvelously. She absolutely adores her baby brother and is fiercely protective over him. She sings to him and pats him when he cant sleep, tells him stories and makes funny faces to make him laugh and showers him with incessant hugs and kisses. And when passers-by tease her saying that they want to take her baby home, she yells at them to back off and stands over him protectively.
Things could have been worse with her being jealous of her brother but she is not in the least perturbed when i have to deal with him the whole day. So despite her tantrums and demands and generally being a terrible 3 tot (that will deserve another post), every night i thank god for my tough girl and pray in my heart of hearts that my kids will grow up to be real close emotionally.
I am keeping my fingers crossed that things will continue on the uptrend. And to all mummies who find that you are struggling with whatever problems plauging your kids right now, take heart...things WILL only get better.
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