Sorry seems to be the hardest word...

Ive been getting the same reactions all around when i tell people what's been happening at home.

Tears. Shock. A pitying look. A sorry demeanor.

"Oh you poor thing..." hangs in the air, afraid to be spoken aloud.

I am not A POOR THING. 

My bank account has seen better days but there is nothing POOR about me.

My daughter has been seemingly more needy and clingy than usual. Perhaps im being oversensitive but perhaps this is her way of coping with the changes in her young life and she knows not of any other way to express herself. 

I find myself reacting sometimes harshly to her demands for attention, especially when the situation in which she manifests this behaviour is highly inappropriate. ( Cue: im at work and she incessantly yells for my attention while im in a discussion)

In the past yes, i would feel guilty for snapping at her but it would be just that. A certain degree of guilt that could be erased by a simple family outing later.

Today i had this overwhelming urge to beg her to give me a break. A break from trying to hold it all together, from trying to be both dad and mum to her, from trying to find the elusive thin line between discipline and overcompensating. And no number of sorrys could erase the guilt i felt venting my frustrations on her.

I swore to myself that i would never let anyone know how miserable I am sometimes. I try to face each day with the same upbeat outlook that has accompanied me all my life. Only my closest friends know the abyss of misery i sink into from time to time, but generally i think im doing ok.

I swore i would not blame my children that because of them I cannot work. 

I structure work around my children and try to make the best of it. It's a nightmare and i admit sometimes i just wish they would disappear amd give me some peace to concentrate, but im working at it. 

I swore i would not stop enjoying life or having fun.

 I go for my workouts, i dance, i meet friends whom i havent seen in years and start rebuilding friendships, im picking up a new instrument, im playing badminton again...my life is fuller than ever before. 

And yet when my children hang on to me at the door and beg me not to leave, i have to quash the tidal wave of guilt that threatens to overwhelm me. I have to tell myself that i have been doing enough for them and that i need my time and my space too.

I swore ill make good of the dream i set out to achieve. I want to continue to set and achieve  my goals in the midst of problems and show my children that no setback can derail them from what they set out to acomplish.

I swear im going to give them more than enough love to get them through our circumstances. 

I swear im going to help them see possibilities instead of problems, opportunities instead of obstacles, all the while loving the people around them and living life to the fullest. 

Twenty years later when my children are all grown, it wouldnt matter if they dont drive the swankiest cars nor stay in the biggest houses. However if they know how to face life's challenges with optimism and tenacity, and have a host of people who love them, then i would have raised them the way i set out to.

Resilience. It 's always been THE value that i am willing to die trying, to instill in my children. 

And relationships. 

Love. Friendships. Isnt that what 's life all about?

I want them all.

And i do hope i never have to hear another person tell me they're sorry for my life. 

Because to me there's absolutely nothing to be sorry for.