Finding middle ground

To my best friend...

Ive come to the conclusion that people want you more only when they think they dont have you.

And you're right. In a relationship, the person who cares less is the one who controls the dynamics of the liaison. And to the person who cares more, it will always seem as though they are chasing elusive affections and attention.

You know I am hopeless at not caring and equally clueless at trying to act like i do not care. But i am learning from you that to emerge from a trying relationship unscathed, you have to appear like you do not care. 

You know how to be the one who doesnt text back, who doesnt call, who leaves the guy coming back for more and who acts like you dont give two hoots whether he really does or does not. 

Im trying to be like you. To protect myself and not have expectations. To really recover from it all. To essentially be the person who cares less or acts like they care less. 

Im trying...but not giving a damn doesn’t make me stronger or wiser or even happier. And either way, caring too much or not caring at all comes with its fair share of pain.

Not caring just makes me feel less human. 

It makes me feel less and less.

And i dont want to forget.

When all is said and done, everybody needs a person. It is human to want to be loved, to want to be taken care of and to want to take care of someone else. To deny that, is simply to deny one’s humanity.

Being like you does not come naturally to me. So even if you tear your hair out trying to tell me that being the person on your flip side has too much potential damage, i cant see it.  

I dont want to see it because the irony is, i think that im the one who's doing it right. I belong to the category of hopeless people who let all their emotions out at once, who will tell you how much they care or love someone right from the outset, who essentially will show hand and pull out all the stops, until all signs point towards us barking up the wrong tree. 

And i (stubbornly) think we are the ones on the right track. 

I know exactly how excruciating it feels like to be on my side. 

Ive hurt people all because i wore my heart on my sleeve and then cruelly hid it. And no one knows better than me to have their heart broken because they cared too much. Its a bleak, dark place where i hope never to revisit.

I know the journey to returning to being ok is long and difficult.

 Yet this journey is supposed to have been worth facing for i am supposed to emerge stronger and wiser, and less likely to make the same mistakes again.

Ive made mistakes of telling people i love them too much, too often. Ive lost sight of my fairy tale ending, ended up being the person chasing seemingly elusive affections and even getting it all so horribly wrong.

And so you say im supposed to have learnt from my mistakes.  Much as i would like to will myself to do that and strengthen my resolve, i simply cant do it. And you know i will put myself on the line over and over just to try to find the perfected version of what i had lost.

So my dear, my point is if you act like you don’t care, people will eventually start to believe you. And i dont want that.

Therefore if you feel that i care too much or feel too much or love too much, i want to tell you that i think the alternative is worse. 

Im trying to find that elusive middle ground between our two extremes. But when it comes to love, I don’t think there is such a thing as loving too much or showing someone that you love too much. And if there is, I think it’s a state of mind thats applaudable and not something to be ashamed of. Because if you don’t tell people and show people that you do care, that you do have feelings for them, that you do love them, how the hell are they supposed to know?

Im trying to protect myself just as you have lectured me over and over again. But life is short and i dont want to go through it not letting anyone know how much i care, how much i can love. 

Ive been asked before how does one learn not to feel. I dont know because i dont want not to feel. For if i dont feel, ill forget how much i cared.

So if my heart breaks, let it break. Because i dont want to convince myself that im fine when im not. Just be there for me if it happens, ok?

Xoxoxox

Xoxoxo