Taking a stand

Amidst all the exchanges of points of views regarding the repealing of section 377A, I feel compelled to pen a few thoughts of my own. Facebook posts run the gamut of emotions; from well meaning justifications to self righteous rants to even outright condemnation.  

In my opinion, religion should never be used to influence legislature. To force certain groups of people to unequivocally accept the beliefs of others is potentially dangerous. When religion is brought into the picture, the whole tone of this discussion takes on a tinge of indignation, fear and even incites hate. And when religious leaders use excessively strong words like "battle, army, destruction, war..." on a divisive community issue, it is not difficult to understand why these extreme emotions run high.

We pride ourselves on being multi racial and multi religious. So shouldn't everyone possess the conviction to agree to disagree and shouldn't everyone have the right to exist differently?

To put it simply,  no one should take away the conviction to stand by one's own beliefs from anyone else. 

Laws are written to make sure that certain behaviors are adhered to. The law in question criminalizes homosexuality in Singapore. Criminalizes. That's a pretty strong word. 

Suppose roles were reversed and homosexuality is the norm while heterosexuals were the minority, how would it feel to know that you are branded a criminal for behaving in the only way that you know of?

Just because we cannot envision a similar lifestyle for ourselves, does that mean that gives us the right to condemn it?

Nobody is forcing anyone to be gay. So why should we force others to be straight? And how is it even fair to eradicate homosexuality forcefully through legislation?

The reason for this post is because I have a son. And all the recent hoo-ha  has got me thinking. 

What if one day my son comes home and tells me that he is gay? 

Would I be able to accept him for who he is and continue to cheer him along his life journey as I have always been doing?

I believe no one consciously chooses this life. A life of controversy, discrimination and pain. 

Perhaps we should all take a piece of paper right now; crumple it up, stomp on it, draw on it and really mess it up. But do not rip it to shreds. Now let's unfold it and smooth it out and tell it we are sorry and that we will try to fix it up. But no matter how we try, the lines and marks will be left behind. And those scars will never go away.

And so, if one day my son tells me he's gay, I will celebrate his uniqueness. For if he can't even gain acceptance from his nearest and dearest, what chance will he have against his detractors in society? 

And I will give him the mettle to weather the crumpling, stomping and messing up of his life such that he will never feel he bears marks of shame but rather battle scars that he can be proud of. 

My cousin is a lesbian. She plays in a band and is a part time actress. Another uncle is gay. He is an accomplished hairstylist with international acclaim. I have friends who are gays and lesbians and they are smart, creative, funny and interesting people. 

If we could all just look beyond their lifestyles and see them simply for the individuals that they are, with the same hopes, dreams, needs and wants as we do; then we would really start taking the steps towards becoming a truly inclusive society.

Life, love and simple pleasures

I find much joy in simple things these days.

A long bus ride in the rain, listening to Daniel Powter and drinking my favourite Gong Cha...

2 hour mind and body numbing aerobic workouts...

Quickie lunches with my dearest girlfriends...

Curled up on the couch at midnight, nursing a cup of ginger tea, listening to oldies and planning my lessons...

Cradling my 2 month old niece...

3 hour non stop, tee shirt drenching badminton games with guys 10 years younger... (im no spring chicken but i can still play a mean game!)

Lone drives home at the end of the day singing along to my favourite songs at the top of my voice...

Watsapp chats with dear girlfriends who make me laugh out loud with silly comments....(you know who you are, i love you too, i will never forget our special group hugs haha)

The strength and vitality i feel after every yoga session...

A walk along the reservoir with my children, with the wind in our hairs, watching people fishing, jogging or just hanging around...

Playing my best friends' favourite tunes on the piano and hearing them singing along...

Snuggling down to a nap on a cold, rainy afternoon...

An unexpected concerned sms from an old friend whom i havent met in years...

Watching the eager and happy faces of the young children in school as they enjoy their lessons...

A steaming hot bowl of instant noodles with the half runny, half cooked egg done just right...


This morning i woke up to a message from a parent thanking me for a small favor that i did for her. "How did you manage to do that? You're always so lucky!" were her exact words.

I'd like to think that everything in my life has happened for a reason. 

And yes i am lucky, lucky to be surrounded by my family (albeit a little dysfunctional sometimes, but arent all families?) and friends who care so much. 
Im lucky to have my children, even when they test the limits of my tolerance all the time. 
Im lucky to have my health to enjoy all my sports and games.

And so, take a listen to this song from ages ago. 

It reminds me of a time when life was viewed through the rose tinted glasses of youth, when new experiences were approached with wide eyed innocence and anticipation, when love was less complicated.

"爱是一面镜妆

映照你的悲伤

多少背影在镜中不能遗忘

爱是一盏安祥唱着不变的原谅

让你最孤单时依然坚强"

Im sure one day ill find that peace which speaks of forgiveness, but till then ill find strength in my solitude.

Sorry seems to be the hardest word...

Ive been getting the same reactions all around when i tell people what's been happening at home.

Tears. Shock. A pitying look. A sorry demeanor.

"Oh you poor thing..." hangs in the air, afraid to be spoken aloud.

I am not A POOR THING. 

My bank account has seen better days but there is nothing POOR about me.

My daughter has been seemingly more needy and clingy than usual. Perhaps im being oversensitive but perhaps this is her way of coping with the changes in her young life and she knows not of any other way to express herself. 

I find myself reacting sometimes harshly to her demands for attention, especially when the situation in which she manifests this behaviour is highly inappropriate. ( Cue: im at work and she incessantly yells for my attention while im in a discussion)

In the past yes, i would feel guilty for snapping at her but it would be just that. A certain degree of guilt that could be erased by a simple family outing later.

Today i had this overwhelming urge to beg her to give me a break. A break from trying to hold it all together, from trying to be both dad and mum to her, from trying to find the elusive thin line between discipline and overcompensating. And no number of sorrys could erase the guilt i felt venting my frustrations on her.

I swore to myself that i would never let anyone know how miserable I am sometimes. I try to face each day with the same upbeat outlook that has accompanied me all my life. Only my closest friends know the abyss of misery i sink into from time to time, but generally i think im doing ok.

I swore i would not blame my children that because of them I cannot work. 

I structure work around my children and try to make the best of it. It's a nightmare and i admit sometimes i just wish they would disappear amd give me some peace to concentrate, but im working at it. 

I swore i would not stop enjoying life or having fun.

 I go for my workouts, i dance, i meet friends whom i havent seen in years and start rebuilding friendships, im picking up a new instrument, im playing badminton again...my life is fuller than ever before. 

And yet when my children hang on to me at the door and beg me not to leave, i have to quash the tidal wave of guilt that threatens to overwhelm me. I have to tell myself that i have been doing enough for them and that i need my time and my space too.

I swore ill make good of the dream i set out to achieve. I want to continue to set and achieve  my goals in the midst of problems and show my children that no setback can derail them from what they set out to acomplish.

I swear im going to give them more than enough love to get them through our circumstances. 

I swear im going to help them see possibilities instead of problems, opportunities instead of obstacles, all the while loving the people around them and living life to the fullest. 

Twenty years later when my children are all grown, it wouldnt matter if they dont drive the swankiest cars nor stay in the biggest houses. However if they know how to face life's challenges with optimism and tenacity, and have a host of people who love them, then i would have raised them the way i set out to.

Resilience. It 's always been THE value that i am willing to die trying, to instill in my children. 

And relationships. 

Love. Friendships. Isnt that what 's life all about?

I want them all.

And i do hope i never have to hear another person tell me they're sorry for my life. 

Because to me there's absolutely nothing to be sorry for.