Seeing red

My posts have all along been of the happy schmapy, la-di-da kind.


Well, this post aint gonna be so.


Have you ever been so angry that a red mist literally clouds your vision?

Your hands are shaking, your skin is burning and you just feel like screaming, throwing something, beating the daylights out of somebody? (not necesssarily in that particular order but maybe simultaneously)


Maybe its the culmination of too many "I dont like you, Mummy!" s from Terelle.
She rejects my good intentions and frequently peppers her sentences with declarations of not loving me anymore.
She shoots dagger stares at me when i get her to do things she doesnt like and is frequently rude and defiant.


Or maybe it's Thane's constant screamy demands, incessant whining which can last the entire duration of a car ride from home to destination and ridiculous fights with his sister that's doing my head in.


Or perhaps its hubby losing his temper one too many times, or him making snide remarks on trival matters or... i just dont know.

But i simply feel as though im losing it.


My tolerance level is almost zero and i feel myself losing control.

I can no longer sit there deflecting anger from everyone with patience and humor.
I cannot find a single ounce of energy left to do so.


A good friend who is also a stay-at-home-mum recently told me she got so angry with her son, she beat him with a hanger till it broke. It left marks all over his body and she felt so guilty over it she cried herself to sleep.
He's fine now, with nary a memory of why he got beaten in the first place, but my friend is appalled at the seemingly monstrous mum that she has become.

I am not capable of such release of my frustrations, and maybe that's why im going crazy inside. Maybe i should simply scream at them all, throw something around and basically let fly vitriol. Perhaps that will scare them a little and make them shape up.

I revolve my entire schedule around them, trying to make their lives as enriching as possible, scheduling my work only when it doesnt incovenience them.
And this is the thanks i get.

Admittedly, I have long accepted this job to be thankless and i do not harbor any lofty desires to be thanked for it.
Oh its supposed to be a selfless job you say?
But why do i feel no personal gratification from it?

Maybe im taking it all too personally. Im supposed to be raising happy, well mannered and adorable kids and not surly, ungrateful brats. They are my responsibility and however bad they turn out is all my fault cos I AM the one at home supposedly GROOMING them.

And so tonight, i have stormed out of the house for some peace and solitude because i just cant stand the pouting, whining and finger pointing one second longer.

I need help, God.
Help me find my composure once again.