Exhaustion

It is said that the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world, but why do i feel that rather, the weight of the world is crushing me?

Why am i made to feel guilty for having a part time job and having some form of financial independence?

And why do i have the niggling thought at the back of my mind that even though my job takes me away from my girl for a few hours at a time, I am expected to return recharged and ready to take over her relentless care again?

Worse, why, on the days that i decide to bring her out to expand her horizons and have some fun, i am chided on my return, for not resting at home and making myself more tired?

Is it really a sexist thing that a woman's place is at home? And that the major responsibility of raising kids falls on her shoulders? No doubt i am immensely grateful that hubby brings in the bulk of the bacon, but why should i be made to feel remorseful when i leave to go for work and expected to be indebted when i return? I always feel that looking after my girl is a chore which i am relieved of for a few hours and expected to assume immediately on my return.

Perhaps it is in our genetic makeup that we are simply unable to leave the baby unfed, or unwashed or unchanged, while we seek relaxation in the form of the goggle box or a run around the block. Perhaps in this sense, we are destined to be the primary care givers of our children.

How i long for the freedom to simply go for a jog or a swim as i please, and for the understanding that sometimes it is purely impossible at certain allocated times. Times when it coincides with her mealtime, or bath time or when im just too exhausted by the day's events to haul myself into exercise mode. Even when i actually do drag my aching body down to relax, my bliss is cut short by the same niggling thought that ill have to hurry back to assume my duty asap.

I know that hubby is similarly exhausted from a hard day's work but i really could do with just that wee bit of understanding. But i guess no one will truly understand how lethargy just seems to permeate every pore of your body at the end of the day. Because, by society's standards, you didnt seem to have done all that much. Cooking, cleaning, doing the laundry, feeding and putting your brat to sleep...sure all these are important tasks, important yet insignificant.

Its a vicious cycle...the more lethargic i am, the less i am inclined to excercise. And the less exercise i get, the further i spiral down the weary road of sluggishness.

I guess it takes a fellow stay at home mum to know that we absolutely do not have the luxury of time at our disposal, that bathing, eating and even going to the loo has to be done in double time, much less complete the hundred and one things we are expected to do. What more i do not consider myself a stay at home mum per se and because of that, i am paying a hefty price - my sanity. At the end of the day when the house is a mess, I simply do not need another incredulous look or derisive tone asking just what have i been doing the whole day.

Bringing up baby is supposed to be the noblest profession of all, but why do i feel that somehow, society doesnt really buy that? The truth is, people are "tsk-tsking" behind your back and wondering why in the world are soiled diapers and food stains more attractive than a glittering career and secretly thinking that you are pitiful.

Right now my one and only comfort is that my girl is growing up happy, contented and secure and i wouldnt want to trade that for anything in the world. Will having a maid solve all my problems? Ill leave that for another time.