So this is Christmas...

As a child, Christmas has always been that magical time of standing on tiptoe to put up colorful bits and bobs on the tree, staying up way past midnight in the hope of catching a glimpse of Santa, only to fall asleep under the gaily decorated tree, and jolting awake on Christmas morning to gleefully tear through the heap of beautifully wrapped presents (much to the chagrin of my dear Aunty Judy who puts in the most painstaking efforts in getting the wrapping perfect, right down to the last crease and fold)

For as long as I can remember, Christmas is a time of much feasting, the gathering of family and friends, lots of laughter and warmth. When everything takes on a shiny sheen, everything seems just a little more rose tinted and everyone's just that little less world weary and jaded.

Every fibre in my being anticipates the arrival of Christmas once the decorations in the malls come up round the end of November.

I love the lead up to Christmas itself; the Christmassy songs playing on loop blaring from every corner, the fun of hitting upon the perfect gift idea for friends and family and the frenetic shopping, wrapping and writing of cards that ensue.

I love planning gatherings and parties where friends and family come together to bond over good food and mindless games, where love and friendship lingers in the air long after the last morsel has been devoured. And most of all i especially love the warm fuzzy feeling of just being with the people who make me happy, the people who bring that special touch of magic to the festive season.

I embark on an entirely new chapter in my life this year and I found myself actually dreading my most favourite time of the year. No more crazy parties and the coming together of common friends. No more familiar family dinners, steamboats and gift exchanges. No more traipsing around the malls searching for perfect gifts together.
Everywhere i looked, blissfully happy families were basking in their own cocoon of happiness and it almost got too much to bear thinking that i would have to spend Christmas feeling sorry for myself.

But I forgot, as with new chapters come new traditions.

A never before Saturday movie and sumptous dinner treat by an old friend.

Heading back to work on Christmas Eve and feeling rather dejected and sorry for myself, only to be surprised with cake and soya bean curd by 2 lovely girlfriends.

My children hugging me to sleep.

Attending Chrismas Day service in church and getting reunited with a long lost friend.

Late night chats about life with dear friends living overseas.

Sussing out Christmas carollers with my children in tow, and being treated to all my favourite big band swing tunes as a bonus.
Meeting up with childhood friends and hearing their assurances that they will always be there for me if I need them.

I have had many liberating firsts. An evening of DVD watching with no one to fight over the tub of  Ben & Jerry's. Singing at the top of my lungs while doing chores. Playing my piano amidst pin drop silence in the house. Going for long runs, countless yoga sessions, commuting on the bus and train plugged into my favourite tunes. Re-reading mindless chick lit after the kids are asleep.

I have realised that it is ok to be alone. That it is ok to run the gamut of emotions - anger, resentment, pain, relief, fear, sorrow and then let it all go. That it is ok to cry your heart out just before you fall asleep but vow that the next day will be a better one.
I have realised that I can be by myself and still have that little bit of my madcap spirit of fun intact.

And I have realised that friends really are the family you choose for yourself.

Tonight, I have had one of the most endearing little Xmas parties with my nearest and dearest friends. Where we played inane games with the children and watched their little faces light up with anticipation and joy while receiving thoughtfully selected gifts of love. Where we stuffed our faces with food and cake and howled with laughter at the sporting adults' antics. Where we snapped countless of pictures and sniggered at good natured domestic bickering. Where we just reveled in the company of love, friendship and companionship that is the true essence of Christmas.

I am tired of forever chasing the wrong things in my life. From now on, I am going to sit back and give a chance for the right things to catch up with me.

And no matter who I have crossed paths with in my life,  I have learnt that my heart and my head decide who I want in my life and my actions decide on who stays on in my life.

I think I am ready to write some new chapters in my life story.