I am crap

Lately ive been feeling extremely tired, both emotionally and physically, from taking care of the 2 kids. Im out of play ideas, i snap for no rhyme or reason, everything and everyone irks me to no end and when i wake up in the morning sometimes i wish they would just disappear.
In short, im simply at the end of my tether. I feel like a terrible, useless mum.

I have friends who breeze through being a stay at home mum to 2 kids, without any help whatsoever. And they are still cheerful and patient and can find loads to do with their kids. They can play with them the whole day, take them out to the malls (ALONE!!) and never scream like a deranged banshee.

Me? Most days terelle watches tv till her eyes glaze over while i sit on the couch with the baby stuck on my breast, repeatedly yelling at her to switch it off. And yet when she finally does switch it off, i have no energy left to think of yet another inane game to entertain her with. And i do have a helper to do all the household chores and cook for us.
I feel like a terrible, useless mum.

I used to have tons of patience to spare, i could counsel and advise even the most obstinate and rebellious student. Now i find myself getting irritated by petty and inconsequential things.

Terelle whines for more cereals. I grudgingly fetch the bowl for her and wish she would shut up.

She asks to be piggy backed to the toilet to brush her teeth and whines when i deny her cos my tired, aching body just cant take piggy backing her 14kg frame for that short trip to the loo. I forcefully haul her to the sink and brush her teeth whilst she is crying pitifully, saying that ive hurt her arm. And i start to regret...why couldnt i have just piggy backed her and saved myself from this emotional outburst?

The baby is cranky and refuses to sleep, and screams to be rocked and nursed at the same time. I stubbornly sit on the sofa, vehemently stuff my breast into his mouth and yell at him to cooperate, while he gags and chokes because he is fighting me off and crying at the same time.
And while i am fighting my epic battle with the baby, Terelle comes running to me and askes me to play with her cos my helper simply has no idea how to entertain her. I ask her to wait till the baby's asleep and she glues herself to the goggle box again. I think venomous thoughts along the lines of "why is my maid so darn inept that she cant entertain a 3year old for a couple of minutes?" and take my anger out on Terelle by continuing to yell at her to switch the damn tv off.

The baby is finally asleep but by now Terelle has watched a whole hour and a half of mindless cartoons and my wrist is aching badly. I force myself to inject some cheer in my voice as i ask her nicely if she would like to do some painting/coloring/puzzles/play with her playdoh/toys/read a book. She says no to all the above and screams non stop when i switch the tv off. I take my rising resentment and anger out on her by yelling at her yet again and ignoring her completely as she sulks on the sofa.

After awhile she comes over and asks me in a pathetically plaintive voice "Mummy make happy face, Mummy dont be angry" and my heart breaks. God, she must be thinking what a monster Mummy is! I must be doing some serious damage to her emotional health!

I remind myself for the umpteenth time that she is only a kid and that i really shouldnt shout at her for nothing. We do some activity for a whole of 20min before she loses interest in it and wants to go back to watching tv. I yell at her to switch the blasted thing off again and she goes and sulks again. The cycle continues.
Am i really such a failure at entertaining my own kid? Am i so boring compared to the damn tv??

I feel like a terrible, useless mum.

If she goes to school, at least i get some respite but its still not time for myself. The baby needs a bath, has to be fed and bounced to sleep again and i need some lunch and visit the toilet. If im lucky, the maid plays with him and he is happy while i can do my business in peace. On bad days, i have to rush through my business and cant do it properly cos i can hear him wailing himself hoarse outside. I am that pathetic.
And oh i forgot...i realise i didnt even have time to wash my face that morning.

If she doesnt go to school, i have an even harder time. After having barked at her non stop for the past hour to chew and swallow (Terelle hates eating, by the way), i am frustrated and sweltering (stupid muggy weather) and my patience is at its limit. And there she goes and sneezes, hurling chunks of food that she has been keeping in her mouth for the past 15min all over the dining table, floor and my face.
I literally lose it. Rage consumes me as i scream at her so malevolently i scare myself. She bawls and i send her to the room as i sit on the sofa and weep. I think to myself, how much more of this can i take?? After i compose myself i go to the room and find her a whimpering wreck and i start berating myself again as i try my best to soothe away the tears and raw feelings.

I feel like a terrible, useless mum.

If she doesnt go to school, i have to think of ways to entertain my gal, her with the attention span of a gnat. Somedays i take her out, but trying to manage 2 kids outside, albeit with a maid's help, leaves me exhausted and i wish i had stayed home instead.
Yet being exhausted outside still beats staying at home with a bored 3 year old who can take just that much of painting/coloring/puzzles/playdoh/toys/books. But hey, there are just that many places to go in Singapore and the blistering heat doesnt help one bit. Or am i just not creative enough?

When they are awake, im counting the hours till they take their nap. When they are napping, i pray fervently that they dont wake so soon. If there were a drug that would make my kids sleep the whole day without any bad side effects, ill rush out to buy it. Now what kind of mother am i to wish that her kids be asleep the whole day??
They have to sleep their requisite 2 hours so i can take the time to just cool myself down. If either of them wakes prematurely i find myself taking my frustration and despair out on them again. Its so unfair to them i know, but i cant help it.

I feel like a terrible, useless mum.

By 6pm im usually in such a state of misery that i start sms-ing hubby to ask what time he's coming home. Ive just checked the sent box on my handphone and realise that 4 out of 5 weekdays i ask him the same question. My messages sound especially anguished when Terelle is up from her nap earlier than usual and is in a foul mood.
Hubby has never complained about having to receive these messages day after day but i am depressed by the state i am now reduced to. I just live for the time he comes home and when he does im usually an exhausted, sweaty, crabby mess and I hate it.

Am i too idealistic in trying to raise my kids?

Perhaps a couple of hours of tv a day wouldnt do too much harm?
But i have friends who can keep their kids away from the idiot box and yet still keep them entertained by activity books, flashcards and books and here i am falling so far short of that benchmark.

Perhaps letting the baby cry it out for awhile wouldnt hurt him at all?
But ive read that happy, secure babies are the ones that have their needs met all the time and are stronger and healthier as a result; and I worry about letting him cry till he's out of breath while i am struggling with managing Terelle's emotions.

Perhaps letting Terelle play in the playground is a better idea than keeping her at home?
But what about the epidemic levels of hfmd now??

Perhaps letting Terelle go to a childcare for the whole day will do both her and me some good? But what about exposure to all those germy kids? What will that do to her fragile, allergy prone body??

Perhaps leaving them alone with the maid is alright while i go have some me time?
But i cant, i just cant bear the thought of leaving them alone with a complete stranger, someone whose entire background was only presented to me on a sheet of paper.

I look on enviously at friends whose parents help them to no end with their kids. And i start getting even more resentful because i know that i will never be able to have that luxury.

Perhaps im really being too hard on myself.
Perhaps i really should let go a little.
Perhaps i should just stop comparing myself with other supermums.
Perhaps i should go back to work so that when i come back ill miss them so much ill be a happier mum. (But that is out of the question cos i have no parental help and i cant bear to send them to a childcare)
Or perhaps im just not cut out for this job.
I feel like a terrible, useless mum.

Chemistry 101

T: Mummy, what is this?
Me: A bottle for you to blow bubbles from

T: What is inside the bottle?
Me: Soap water

T: What is inside the soap water?
Me: Soap

T: What is inside the soap?
Me: Errr...alkali

T: What is inside the al-ka-li?
Me: Errr...chemicals

T: What is inside the chemicals?
Me: Molecules

T: (pondering) Moll-lee-qs. What is inside the molecules?
Me: Errr...nuclei and electrons

T: (pondering for a longer time) What is that mummy?
Me: Tiny things inside the molecules

T: Tiny things? What to they do?
Me: Errrrr i dunno...how about we blow some bubbles?

T: *Happily* OK! (All talk of molecules and what nots forgotten completely)
Me: (thinking) What do they do? What do they do? *Panic* Dun test my chemistry knowledge so soon alright??

Oh my god, and im embarassed to say im a chemistry teacher!! But how do you explain what do nuclei and electrons do to a 3 year old??

Because of you (two)

Because of you, i have a chronic back ache.

Because of you, no amount of concealer can hide my eye bags.

Because of you, i have the rusty, cloying smell of breastmilk lingering around me all the time.

Because of you, i have become a neurotic hypochondriac, for fear of passersby spreading their germs to you. I deliberately make a huge detour if someone sneezes or coughs in our path, disregarding any dirty looks from the offender. To hell with social graces! I am not risking another episode of you being so sick.

And on the same note, because of you, every little sneeze or cough of yours sends me into a frenzy and i start keeping you under surveillence and worry incessantly that you might be falling sick.

Because of you, i find myself constantly counting the no of days it takes to incubate viruses after an encounter with a sick person, heaving a sigh of relief only after the theoretical requisite no of days has passed. Only to find myself starting on another cycle of waiting with bated breath as you come into contact with yet another sick person. I am crazy and paranoid, i know, but i simply cant help it.

Because of you, somedays when things get really crazy, i feel like giving up and throwing you both out the window. When you dont want to eat the nutritious food that i have painstakingly prepared for the umpteenth time, when you have been wailing non stop because you cant have your way, when you refuse to sleep and insist on me carrying your 8kg frame and bouncing up and down like a human "yao lan" WHILE your sister is screaming and kicking me in the shins because i refuse to give her sweets before bedtime; i wish i could turn back time and not have kids in the first place.

And yet because of you, every ache and every pain melts away when you lie beside me at night and tell me that you love me out of the blue.

Because of you, i am starting to see the world through your rose tinted eyes and marvel at how innocent and untainted a child can be.

Because of you, i am learning how to stretch my patience and have become more creative at parenting.

Because of you, im glad i made the choice to stay at home and witness every single one of your milestone. Every gummy smile, every new story that you tell me about your day in school is a priceless treasure to me.

Because of you, my heart is lifted whenever you are happy and i wish you could be happy all the time.

And because of you, i have come to see a different side of the man i married. The man helps me with you whenever he can and yes, although there are limits to his patience (he is a man after all...) but i am thankful for every bedtime story read, every bathtime sorted, every meal patiently fed when i am dead on my feet from exhaustion; when he could have been enjoying his sports channel after a hard day's work.
I am thankful for his thoughtfulness with little surprises like a spa treat when i feel like i cannot deal with you anymore and i am grateful for his willingness to labor on beside me in being a hands on parent.

And though because of you our bedroom has been usurped, our couple time has dwindled to almost zilch and our almost our entire day is being monopolised by a slew of relentless whinings, demands for attention, feeds, burps and diaper changes; it makes me miss our couple time and reminisce about the those lazy, hazy days when we had the whole weekend to ourselves and could jet off on a short holiday whenever we fancied.
But yes, because of you, i have grown to love your daddy more.

Having said all that, because of you, i am still glad i have kids.

Things will only get better

How many times have i heard that phrase being repeated to me the past 2 months. i have heard it so often that ive started using it as a lifeline to keep me sane when the going gets tough. And boy has the going been really tough in the weeks following Thane's arrival.

Firstly, my breastfeeding woes revisited.

I never have luck with breastfeeding; having suffered almost every single problem in the book during Terelle's time - Difficulty latching. Check. Engorgement. Check. Sore nipples. Check. Cracked nipples. Check. MASTITIS (breast infection). Check check check.

In the end, i ended up expressing milk round the clock for Terelle and i actually managed to do this for an entire year. But it was a chore and i really found those pumping sessions a complete waste of time.

With Thane, i had no difficulty latching him on, (everyone says its a male instinct, haha) but i had all the rest of the problems again. He was such a proficient sucker that my nipples started to bleed even while i was still in the hospital. And then because they were bleeding, the nurse told me to feed from the other breast, which led to the affected breast getting engorged. What a vicious cycle! It is no wonder so many women refuse to suffer the pain of breastfeeding! It is indeed a torture.

As usual hubby couldnt stand the sight of me suffering so again he told me to give it up. No way! I did this before and im sure i can do this again. But i feel breastfeeding (or at least the early days) is really more torturous than labor itself.

And then things spiralled even further downhill.

During my confinement with Terelle, i fell sick with high fever and chills twice due to mastitis. Similarly, i was sick again during my confinement with Thane, with a racking cough that just wouldnt go away.

And worst of all, Terelle caught a nasty bug that landed her in hospital with a chest infection for 4 days. She literally could not stop coughing; it was so bad it interferred with her appetite and sleep. I had to express milk while in the hospital and rush home at night to deliver it to my confinement aunty who would help me feed the baby. Thank God she was still around to help!

To compound our problems, the baby caught the bug from his sister. It was heartbreaking to see a one month old baby coughing relentlessly and puking each time the phlegm got stuck in his throat. Luckily my little trooper could still chug down full feeds, so even if some milk came out with his phlegm, he did not miss much.

The nightmare really started when, less than a week after Terelle recovered, she was down again with a bad flu. This time she had a fever so high she suffered from febrile fits. I had never witnessed a fit in my life and when it is happening to your own child, it is simply horrifying. I have read about febrile fits before and know that they are not dangerous, but still to watch your child having one is just terrible.

Terelle was having a high fever that day but she was still able to eat some cheese and bread with hubby watching her so i went to express milk in the room where the baby was confined in (to prevent him from catching the germs again) Hubby suddenly rushed in saying that something was wrong with Terelle. I scrambled out to find her with her eyes rolled upwards and puking all over hubby's shoulder. Her face was ghastly pale and her limbs were jerking wildly. Frantic, we rushed her under the shower and i quickly inserted a suppository. Hubby was so afraid we were losing her that he was crying.
Everything was so surreal and i vaguely remembered giving our details to the paramedics in the ambulance and packing a bag for hubby to take along to the hospital. The image of Terelle having a fit was so traumatic for me that i had nightmares about it for quite a long while afterwards.


Thankfully she was alright and didnt have to be warded, but it was hell nursing her back to health. Both hubby and i caught her germs too and at the height of our illness, all 3 of us were just lying around wishing we were dead. It was terrible having to nurse a sick kid AND take care of a newborn while being sick yourself. We had to monitor her fever round the clock and feed her medicine at 4hour intervals. If her fever spiked again, we panicked cos we couldnt risk another fit and worried ourselves sick till it came down again. Every single racking cough sent us into a frenzy and her incessant whining and pleading with us to make her feel better just broke our hearts.

To make matters worse, it was during this time that i had mastitis on top of the flu. When you're having chills and your whole body is aching from a high fever, and you have an excruciating lump in your breast the entire day, you really wish you were dead.

Thanks to all my friends who kept encouraging me by plying me with anecdotes about their similar experiences. It was these messages that kept me sane through those 10 horrible days. They were the ones who told me that things will only get better and that i should have faith.

However till today, i still blame myself for not having managed her fever better initially. If i had brought her fever down quickly by sponging her more, perhaps she wouldnt have suffered the fit. Never again for the rest of my life, do i want to witness a repeat of that awful scene of watching any of my kids having a fit while i am helpless to do anything about it.

On hindsight, i thank god for small mercies like the baby remaining healthy despite all of us being so sick. Things could have been worse, if he caught the bug too and had to be admitted. Thank god for hubby too, who slept with Terelle the whole time and patiently took her temperature and administered her medication without a single complaint, while being very sick himself. Hubby was at home for such a long time and was such a great help to me that when he finally went back to the office, i felt bereft for some time and wondered how i would be able to cope alone.

Its been 2 months since and things have really gotten better. Terelle has been healthy so far, though her lungs have suffered from those 2 nasty infections. Her doctor tells me that she has to be on medication to help her suppress another flare up of that wheezing episode. The medication makes her drowsy and cranky sometimes but i can live with that, as long as she doesnt fall so sick again.

And as for Thane, just when i thought i would never have unbroken sleep for the rest of my life, he started sleeping through the night without me having to do anything about it. And yes, there is a price to pay; he hardly sleeps in the day and i have to constantly carry him or he'll scream himself hoarse, but he gives me peace from 8pm till 7am the next morning...and that is more than i can ask for.

And breastfeeding is a breeze right now. Apart from my little sumo sometimes insisting that i carry AND nurse him at the same time; feeding him is like second nature to me now, even though im suffering from a chronic back ache from his weight. And i am secretly proud that i am that 1% of mothers in Singapore who totally breastfeed beyond 6mths. Ive done it with Terelle and im sure i can do it again with Thane.

Terelle was acting up and kept demanding our attention in the early days immediately following Thane's birth but now she is taking to her role as the big sister marvelously. She absolutely adores her baby brother and is fiercely protective over him. She sings to him and pats him when he cant sleep, tells him stories and makes funny faces to make him laugh and showers him with incessant hugs and kisses. And when passers-by tease her saying that they want to take her baby home, she yells at them to back off and stands over him protectively.

Things could have been worse with her being jealous of her brother but she is not in the least perturbed when i have to deal with him the whole day. So despite her tantrums and demands and generally being a terrible 3 tot (that will deserve another post), every night i thank god for my tough girl and pray in my heart of hearts that my kids will grow up to be real close emotionally.

I am keeping my fingers crossed that things will continue on the uptrend. And to all mummies who find that you are struggling with whatever problems plauging your kids right now, take heart...things WILL only get better.

Thane has landed

I have done it again, had an epidural-less labor not by choice (again), but because my doctor is pro all things natural. So how did it go this time?

7th december

Still 2 weeks to the expected delivery date. Was feeling tired and achey all over after yet another sleepless night, and wondering when he will actually pop.

12noon: Terelle went off to school with Yiling and Kirsten

1230pm: Had a meeting at home with my editor, promised him to do some work during my confinement month. On hindsight now, i was really thinking too highly of myself. I didnt even have time to sleep, let alone write!!

2pm: Drove to Woodlands to meet hubby for lunch and wait for Terelle to finish school

3pm: Tucking into my burger and msg laden shaker fries and joking with friends over sms that i hope today would be the day cos its a nice date - 071207! Coincidently Terelle was born on 050405

330pm: Picked Terelle up and headed over to gynae's clinic for a checkup

430pm: Gynae did an internal exam and commented in all seriousness that i was already 2 cm dilated and that he had just hastened my labor by bruising my cervix and hence triggering contractions; adding, in the same breath that he didnt mean to do so. Ahhhhhh!!! Its time!!!??

5pm: Strapped to the ctg machine to monitor contractions, continued sms-ing friends

530pm: Back in waiting room where a first time mum seated next to me commented on my apparent "cool" demeanor, when i was about to deliver anytime. Hell, i was freaking out inside! BUT to keep my pride intact, i continued to smile through her praises.

545pm: Doctor took one look at the ctg readings and proclaimed that i would be delivering by midnite tonight. Whoa...sweaty palms, clammy forehead...i feel faint already...

630pm: Headed home to do some last minute packing and take a shower, doctor told us to check into the hospital by 8pm

7pm: Hubby leisurely made a bowl of noodles to eat and kept offering me some. (Note: 2nd time round, not at all flustered)
I had absolutely no appetite, all i could think of was that a watermelon would be bursting out of me in less than 5 hours time.

730pm: Contractions started, as with Terelle, i labored with my back, feeling like i was being sliced into two each time the contractions hit

8pm: Had a CLASSIC BIRTH MOMENT in the car and as usual it had to do with hubby. I was groaning in pain in the backseat and urging him to drive faster to the hospital. "Im in pain!!" i yelled. The good man just had to choose that exact moment to ask "Errr what kind of pain ah?" DUH!!

Pain means pain!!! U mean there are different kinds??!!

2 years ago, hubby had an equally classic birth moment. While i was in the throes of pain at the height of my labor with Terelle, i requested that he massage my back to relieve some of the pain. After 5minutes of frantic rubbing, he plaintively bleated that his hand was painful. Hello? reality check? Who is the one in more pain???

But i digress...

830pm: Finally made it to the hospital without me killing him along the way. Handed Terelle over to my parents and sister and hobbled into the delivery wards

9pm: All prepped and waiting for the pain to intensify. At this moment the nurse came in, took my temperature and commented that i was running a fever. Shucks! Must be because of Terelle's flu bug! Had to have a plug inserted into my vein and antibiotics pumped into me to protect the baby. Ouch...i hate the plug! Whenever you forget and accidentally brush your hand against something, it yanks at your vein, causing pain in yet another part of my body which i really dont need right now.

Nurse did an internal exam: 4cm dilated

930pm: Nurse checked again, still 4cm. Made a call to the doctor who arrived in a couple of minutes. Doctor tried to distract me by talking to me while he did an internal check again. I didnt realise he was actually breaking my waterbag! To my surprise, there was a loud pop sound after which the clear fluid flowed steadily out. Ashen faced from the pain i turned to hubby for comfort. He was equally ashen faced and blabbering "He inserted a hook inside...a HOOK!!"

okay...no comfort from there...

945pm: Contractions fast and furious now. Sucked on the gas like there was no tomorrow, all the while trying to remember nors' advice at the back of my pain muddled brain. (Thanks dear!) I held on so tightly to the gas mask that at one point i actually yanked it off the wall, and was wondering why the gas wasnt working as well as it should. Why the hell wasnt i drifting off into that out-of-body trance?

10pm: Nurse came and did another check, just 5cm dilated. What??! Things dont seem to be moving along fast enough. She offered a pethidine jab to relieve more of the pain so that i would be more relaxed and hence make labor progress faster. Yes yes whatever! Just gimme something for the pain!!

1020pm: High on the gas, with each contraction i was mumbling "no more no more, this is the last one", to the amusement of the nurse assisting me. Coincidently, she was the same one who helped while i was laboring with Terelle!

As the urge to push intensified, i heard the nurse start to page for good ol doc. She kept telling me not to push and that, i felt was worse than the actual contractions. Imagine the feeling of trying to hold in a huge bowel?? one word - DISTRESSING!

Within minutes my savior was here, strapping on his boots and rubber suit with a flourish. He cheerfully declared, "ok you can push now!" what sweet words to my ears!

In the most unglamorous position yet again; feet propped up in stirrups, spread wide apart, i remember looking at my toenails and thinking irrelevantly: my pedicure looks nice! Good thing i had it done just a week ago!

But then the pain sweeps over me again, the gas mask is yanked from my lifeless hands and i am urged by 3 disembodied voices to PUSH!

i bear down hard, nothing happens.

Deep breath, bear down again. Was that a distinct snip i heard down south? i dun want to think about it.

Push! Hard. Why is it taking so long? This is even harder than Terelle's birth!!

By the 4th or 5th push i hazily remember screaming to the doctor to "just suck the baby out of me pleeeeeeeease!!"

Doctor obliges by setting up the vacuum and one push later, my son emerges in a wet rush.

I am exhausted and lay back against the pillows and refuse to move another muscle even as my squirming, piping hot baby is laid on my chest. Vagely i remember the doctor exclaiming," Whoa this little guy is big! Much bigger than what we scanned at the clinic!"

Of cos he is big, i bet it is a war zone down south.

Thankfully doc proclaimed that because he made a small snip, the wound was clean and i would heal marvelously.

Only after the effects of the gas had worn off was i able to admire my son. My son! My chubby little bub! Coolly messaging friends and relatives to inform them of his arrival, i was oblivious while doc stitched me up. While most would cringe at the thought of a needle pricking at your most sensitive regions, let me reassure you that absolutely no pain can compare to the pain of a drug free (well almost) labor.

And while doc was at his gory task, another classic birth moment happened. A moment which i will forever regale my frens with. Doc suddenly sneezed straight at me while he was doing his stitching. If that wasnt horrifyingly icky enough, he actually used his sleeve (bloody, mind you) to wipe his nose!

Gosh, can u ever be that blase about childbirth??!!

Me and my chubby bubby! Finally!

From only child to big sister...

My poor baby is trying to cope with the arrival of her new baby brother soon. She has been displaying bizzare behavior which sometimes leave us really frustrated and at our wits' end.

1) Attention seeking

And how does she do it? By being really naughty what else?

She spits out her milk while drinking halfway and laughs when we scold her.

She runs away and lies face down on the bed when it is time to brush her teeth.

She insists on calling the maid by name instead of "aunty" and smacks her when she tries to pick her up.

She refuses to go to bed, insisting on watching cartoon after cartoon.

She is simply defiant and refuses to obey our orders and will deliberately turn on the waterworks when she doesnt get her way.

And she used to be my sweet and obedient little girl....boohoo....

2) Nightmares

She woke up crying a couple of nights ago and saying "Mummy dont want me anymore!" That really broke my heart...and it is not as though i havent been trying to reassure her that i will still love her v v much even with the arrival of the new baby.

3) Behaviour in school

Her teachers tell me that she used to be very chatty and outspoken in class but recently she has become quiet and withdrawn. Sometimes she will be very affectionate with them too, as if she needs their reassurance that at least they will still be there for her.

She has been toilet trained since she was 2 yrs old, but lately she has been wetting and even soiling herself in school. Her teachers reassure me that this is normal and that she will get past this phase soon after she gets used to the baby. But her forlorn and guilty look as she clutches her soiled clothes yet again when i pick her up from school makes my heart go out to her and wish i could do something to help ease her through this trying period.

I get upset when i see her like this, perhaps the arrival of her sibling is really a huge emotional obstacle that she is finding hard to deal with right now. I want to see my little girl happy and bubbly and normal in school again...


4) Being clingy and needy

I havent been carrying her at all since around the 4th or 5th month of this pregnancy and recently i just carried her for a short while from the dining table to her bed. She clung on to me for dear life and said "Mummy dun let me go okie? I want Mummy to carry me like last time." To which i had to reply "Mummy cant carry you now because Mummy's tummy will be painful. Just be patient, in a short while Mummy's tummy will become flat then Mummy can carry u everyday just like before ok?" And my perceptive daughter could actually say "okie then Daddy will carry Baby Bone and Mummy carry me all right?"

Heartwrenching.....arrrrgh....let's hope things will soon go back to the way they were

My pregnant pauses

Not everyone loves being pregnant. Those who say they do are either sadists or liars.
I for one, am one of those who absolutely ABHOR being pregnant. Period.
I am almost at the finishing line with my 2nd (and last!!) pregnancy and i must say i am glad my ordeal is almost over. Here are some of the irritations, ranging from minor discomforts to excruciating pain, that i had to deal with for the whole 18 months of both pregnancies.

1) Morning sickness

Whoever coined the term "morning sickness" is a liar. He probably meant well, in a bid to encourage pregnant mothers that they would only have to bear with being green in the morning. I would have preferred if they gave me the hard facts and named it "whole day sickness". Thankfully for my 1st pregnancy i didnt suffer much, only retching occasionally at strong smells and it abated on the dot right after the 3rd month.
However, with my current pregnancy, every single thing made me feel sick as a dog; food, any smell, toothpaste, even plain water!! And it lasted all day right till the 5mth month! It is no wonder that i gained a whopping 18kg for my first and only 10kg for my 2nd.

2) Cravings

My daughter made me crave for sweet desserts and chocolates, so much so that i developed gestational diabetes towards the end of my 1st pregnancy and had to go on a low carbo salad diet for the last few weeks. My son made me crave hot and spicy foods that gave me terrible heartburn and a sore throat and flu that lasted for a month. And now towards the end, i feel like eating chocs again. But each time i satisfied my craving, i would feel like throwing up.

What an irony! I had to have these foods but yet my body rejects them. Oh these wretched pregnancy hormones!

3) Quickening or movement of the fetus

Quickening is supposed to be this magical moment when you actually feel your baby move for the 1st time. Its supposed to make u contemplate the meaning of life and appreciate the special gift that you have been blessed with.
Ok fair enough...we were ecstatic when we felt Terelle move for the 1st time, though at that time as 1st time parents, we weren't sure if it was actually her moving or just a bout of gas moving around in my intestines. With Thane, the first time i felt him move, i informed hubby and he did the perfunctory "hand-on-my-tummy" action all the while being glued to his Sports channel. Sorry little fella, for being so blase about it all...it's the been there done that mentality...

And as the babies grow bigger and stronger, each kick, twist and roll would either leave me wincing or running to the toilet to pee. Of course, I was reassured that my babies were healthy and moving around but it was disconcerting (and not to mention painful!!) sometimes when a little foot or elbow would pop out along my belly, making me feel as though I was an extra on the set of "Aliens".

My daughter did her fair share of jamming her heels up my ribs but as for my son, he seems to derive great pleasure from actually first jamming his heels against my ribs and THEN dragging his feet across them as if playing on a xylophone. It is especialy NOT FUNNY when it happens in the middle of the night, just as I am trying to chase my elusive sleep after going to the toilet yet again.

4) Insomnia

Read: Constant jabbing of ribs = Pain

Kicking of bladder = Pee

Punching of intestines = Discomfort

Rolling on spine = Sharp back pain

Bumping of stomach = Regurgitation of gastric juice or some of the contents from dinner

Need i say more?


5) Mobility...or rather Immobility

Towards the end of the pregnancies (especially this one), i find myself waddling around like a duck. And woe betide me when my son changes position as i move around and chooses to press his head or hand or whatever against my pelvic bone. Sharp, stinging pain radiates from my pelvic region in both directions; up my back and down my legs. Fortunately my daughter did not torture me with this particular womb acrobatic.

And at night, i have to practically roll myself out of bed to get to the toilet cos its just not possible to rely on my stomach muscles anymore, especially when there is a 3kg weight pressing down on them. Even changing sides while sleeping involves actually clutching my tummy and heaving it over to the other side.

I am a sporty person by nature and i used to exercise religiously pre baby. And it upsets me greatly when all i can manage now is to shuffle slowly from Point A to Point B wincing in pain with each step, while i watch dear hubby go for his regular gym workouts and runs. Arrrgh...just give me another half a year, ill be running circles around you like before!! *wink*

6) Labour

And finally the 9months of torment culminates in the most traumatic event of all - Labour. Many friends who go on to have their 2nd, 3rd or even 4th kid tell me that after awhile "mummy amnesia" sets in and they seem to forget the pain of childbirth. Its been 2 years and 8 months since Terelle was born and i still remember every single jolt of white hot pain that raced through my entire body during the contractions. I remember hanging on to the laughing gas mask for dear life and taking huge gasps when the pain hit so that i could become deliriously high and seemingly "watch" myself suffering from a distance. It was so bad that i vagely remember the nurse yelling to hubby to pry it out of my hands so that i would not be too woozy to push!

Well, the countdown has begun and Thane can decide to pop anytime from now on. On one hand i am so looking forward to sweet relief but on the other hand i am dreading having to go through the pain again. Someone once told me not to think of labour as an ordeal to be suffered but rather something only I can do for my baby. Yeah right...ill try to remember those wise words when the baby elephant is splitting my body apart.

Terelle is a blessing and im sure Thane will be a bundle of joy to us as well, but i am definitely not going to be 1st in line to experience the "joy" of pregnancy a third time. I know of friends who have had memorable and happy experiences throughout their pregnancies but I am definitely not one of them. In fact i more or less hate how i feel from the start right till the end of both pregnancies.

I am thankful for my children and i am also thankful that i wont have to go through this again. Now to convince hubby to choose a surgical form of birth control... =)

Kids say the darndest things!

Terelle was playing with puzzles alongside Hubby's dad when she suddenly decided to check out his massage chair nearby. Here is the conversation that left us in stitches!

T: YeYe i use your massage chair ok?
Hb's dad: Sure! Go ahead!
( Burrows deep into the recesses of the huge massage chair)
T: YeYe i do my massage 1st, you make the puzzles ok? All the best!!

All of us looked at her incredulously and burst out laughing at the same time!!

I really wonder where in the world did she pick up the phrase "all the best!" And to be able to use it in the right context too!!

"Why?"

The whys have started..in full force!! And how do i deal with them??

T: Why are the trees green Mummy?
Me: Cos they have something called chlorophyll in them
T: Why??
Me: so they can make food.
T: Make food? Why?
Me: Cos all green plants make food so they can provide other animals with food
T: why??
Me: So the other animals can survive
T: Why???
Me: Cos our world is made up of many different animals
T: Many animals! Oh yah i like animals!
(Tip 1: Deliberately miss the point, it throws her off course!!)

T: Why does Yi Yi's face have so many pimples?
Me: Cos YiYi is heaty
T: Heaty? why?
Me: Cos she didnt drink enough water
T: Why?
Me: Cos she was busy and forgot to drink
T: Why?
Me: Cos she's got alot of work to do
T: Why?
Me: Cos her boss gave her alot of work
T: Why?
Me: Cos he's a slave driver
T: Oh ok
( Tip 2: Use big words! Words that i am pretty sure she has never encountered. She will accept them all the same!)

T: Mummy where's Daddy?
Me: Daddy's outside watching football
T: Why?
Me: Cos Daddy likes football
T: Why?
Me: Cos football is exciting
T: Why?
Me: Cos i dunno
T: Why?
Me: Cos i dunno
T: Ok...i dunno too!
(Tip 3: Just say i dunno!! Muahahaha....doesnt always work though...)

And sometimes, her whys leave us simply stumped for any form of rebuttal!!

T: Where are u going Daddy?
Hubby: To the toilet
T: Why?
HB: Cos i need to go to the toilet
T: (Following Daddy to the toilet) Why?
HB: Cos i need to do something
(proceeds to cut nose hair with scissors)
T: Why?
HB: Cos i need to do something!
(Hubby's not very imaginative with his answers)
T: Why are u cutting ur nose Daddy??
HB: ......

Starting school!

Terelle is starting playgroup this week! We decided to start her in school earlier, cos we dont want her to think that we are sending her away when Thane arrives! And since he's not due for another 3 mths, it gives her ample time to settle in nicely! Another plus point is for me; as im not so bulky and uncomfortable now, i can help her ease into school life sooner too!

Here is an account of her 1st week:

Day 1
Her teachers let me accompany her to class this week so that she wouldnt feel too traumatised. It was heartwarming to see how her new little classmates reacted to her. One tried to help her with her bag and lunchbox, another held her hand up during roll call to indicate that she was present. They were a really pleasant bunch with good manners and fine behavior and i was glad i made the choice to send her to this school.

She let me sneak off downstairs to grab a bite for about an hour, but when i returned i found her in tears in her teacher's arms. She soon stopped when she saw me and i counted my lucky stars she didnt cry violently. She also refused to let her teacher take her to the toilet today so i had to bring her myself. No sweat! i expected all these on the very 1st day so all in all it went by quite ok.

Day 2

She started crying as soon as we reached school, insisted on going to the toilet even though she just went, cos it gave her an excuse to delay going into class. Today her teacher told me to try to leave the class if not she may get too comfortable with me around. Hard hearted me was more than willing to give it a go so i scuttled off outside. Soon i heard screams of "i want mummy!!!" emanating non stop from the class, and the teacher had no choice but to call me back in.

Once inside, she insisted that i sit with her in class and follow her everywhere for fear that i would disappear again. She participated in all the activities happily and there were brief moments when she forgot about my presence and totally focussed on enjoying herself. But as soon as she remembered about me, she would quickly scan the room to ascertain my presence and then scoot over and hang onto my pants tightly. When i encouraged her to join in, she would do so hesitantly and kept looking over her shoulder to see that i was watching her.

Her teacher got her to demonstrate threading to the rest of the class and complimented her on her fine motor skills as she could follow exactly everything she did. I was pretty chuffed as my gal was the youngest in class and yet she could do things some of the older kids couldnt! haha..but then again, im biased!

Terelle allowed her teacher to take her to the toilet at the end of the class, and even waved goodbye to me but commanding me to stay put and telling me that she will be back soon in the same breath.

Day 3
Tried her usual trick of wanting to go to the toilet to escape class again and started crying as soon as we approached the school. I was rather tired today so didnt have the energy to entertain her theatrics. Got a bit fed up when she clung on to me during the Kindermusik session and refused to participate in the songs and dances.

She insisted that i sit right beside her at all times in class today and by the end of the school day i was totally whacked. One good thing though, she has started to let her teacher take her to the toilet without me.

Day 4
1st lesson of the day was Positive Focus and i found the lesson really interesting! The teacher was engaging and lively as she got the kids to go through different yoga poses while emphasizing that they were healthy and strong. Terelle took to yoga pretty well, perhaps it was because i did baby yoga with her when she was a wee tot. She could even hold the downward dog pose without wavering as the teacher slid under her!

She let me go off again today and i went to grab some lunch. I returned close to the time when school was about to end to find her crying hysterically and all because my dad peeked in at her unannounced and she got reminded that she was alone. Arrrrgh! Its really tough when u know your parents mean well but yet they screw up your plans sometimes. Had to drag a screaming and crying kid home that day, who kept insisting she didnt want to go to school anymore....

Day 5
My dad turned up unannounced at my house again at 1145am, the time when im rushing to get Terelle ready while cramming the last morsels of her lunch into her mouth. She got really upset at this unexpected event of seeing her grandfather and was crying and looking for me when she ran smack into the wall and bumped her head hard. As a result, she cried even louder, vomitted all her lunch over herself and made a complete mess. By the time i changed her and got her ready again, we were running late. I was beside myself with fury as i speeded all the way to school with her. I hate disruptions just as much as her and my level of tolerance is way low, what with being pregnant and all.

To make matters worse, my dad slammed his hand in the car door as we were getting off and bled all over Terelle's school bag. I told him to stay put and let me have a good look at the wound after i settled her into class but he being the matyr, sneaked off while i was occupied. Arrrrgh! What a terrible day! I was furious at my dad for ruining the day and making Terelle upset, worried that she got a whopper of a bruise on her head through no fault of her own and yet i was guilty as hell for yelling at him and upset that he injured his hand for nothing. Why oh why did he have to make the long trip up to my place today and indirectly cause all these ructions?? And being pregnant just makes everything worse as im so ungainly and uncomfortable and every movement is a pain.

It was a relatively subdued little girl who greeted me when i collected her today. I wonder isit because she has finally accepted that she will be going to school everyday or because her head was still throbbing from the nasty bruise??